07 February 2007

Poetic license of the "blood libel"

Let's start with the dictionary definition of the title:

Noun: poetic license

License used by a writer or artist to heighten the effect of their work
In other words, a permission to add some bull to your text to make it a bit more exciting for your reader and/or listener. Like in "Thy lips, O my spouse, drop as the honeycomb: honey and milk are under thy tongue; and the smell of thy garments is like the smell of Lebanon."

I didn't look for a mention of Lebanon, so it must have been some subconscious impulse (or, maybe, that practical joker Alon from our mind control team, I shall have a word with him later). Anyway, the point is that this post is directly related to Lebanon and smells. Specifically, to a Lebanese Poet Marwan Chamoun, who claims to know all about our several millennia long tradition of partaking of the gentiles' blood (GB). He tells that "Jews Slaughtered Christian Priest in Damascus in 1840 and Used His Blood for Matzos".
How many of us Lebanese, or even Arabs, know anything about the Talmud? ... Or about Blood for the Matzah of Zion, [which deals with] the slaughter of the priest Tomaso de Camangiano, who was a Sicilian with French citizenship, in the days of Muhammad Ali Pasha, in 1840...

A priest was slaughtered in the presence of two rabbis in the heart of Damascus, in the home of a close friend of this priest, Daud Al-Harari, the head of the Jewish community of Damascus. After he was slaughtered, his blood was collected, and the two rabbis took it. Why? So they could worship their god, because by drinking human blood, they can get closer to God.
Here you can see the poetic license in all its beauty. We (the Elders) are not going to fiddle with historic records of such import and such height of poetic passion. However, to provide some supporting material for the future generations, we must set straight some facts that could be useful for the future historians.

First of all, it is important to understand that there are two different ways to use GB: a) drinking it and b) using it as one of the ingredients for matzah and matzah-based dishes and/or sweets. These two methods differ significantly, starting from the moment of extraction.

One does not "collect blood" in order to drink it. As an example of an incorrect public belief, see this picture:

No self-respecting Elder will debase himself drinking GB transferred into a receptacle of any kind. This, much older German picture is closer to the reality:

However, even this is an imprecise rendition of the method: there is no need whatsoever to undress the donor. A free access to a major GB vessel is sufficient, as it is shown in our hitherto secret field manual:

As you can clearly see, it is a very simple and effective method that requires minimal cooperation of the donor or some prior measure that will render the donor helpless. What is important, however, is that GB be transferred directly to the consumer. There is no need to terminate the donor. A small technical detail:

The incisors shown on this (obviously fake, all the details are wrong) picture are not seen in reality, being fully retractable and hollow - for the transfer of GB, of course.

Now that we are done with the first method of blood consumption, we can touch briefly on the use of GB for cooking. In this case, it is acceptable to use intermediate receptacles and the donor is totally emptied of GB, which fact usually causes the donor to pass away. To insure that the end result is kosher, it is recommended to use glass receptacles treated in a certain way before GB transfer. Also, it is vital that only certified non-dairy ingredients be used for cooking, as it could be seen in this Chocolate Toffee Matzo Recipe. One should understand that this is an Elders-coded text, and "chocolate" in this case means a mix of GB with some cocoa powder.

Doesn't it look yummy? Yes, because it is yummy!

And speaking about yummy, it is time to correct another wrong impression that may have been created by this passage from our Lebanese poet: "Why? So they could worship their god, because by drinking human blood, they can get closer to God." No, the reason why is precisely that: yummy. Yes, it is that simple! No need to involve or mention a deity of any kind.

The legends about the taste of that Sicilian priest with French citizenship are still very much alive in the Department. The Sicilian diet, rich in herbs, with an addition of selected French cheeses and escargot in white wine, created GB with an unbelievably delicate and rich medley of tastes: the background of plum with cinnamon, with hints of some berry and mango, the fullness of the body and the incredibly lingering aftertaste of burnt caramel and oranges! Very close to 96 in the widely accepted Rabinowitz - Smith blood guide.

The rumor is that about 200 cc of the GB from the priest is kept refrigerated for special occasions - like an especially daring operation or, as it happened 7 years ago, reaching total world domination. But I can neither confirm nor deny this rumor, leaving it open to aspiring operatives to aspire more...

The last, but not the least: our poet is asking:
Where are our diplomats and politicians? Why don't we profit from these historical matters, which are presented to us on a simple, eternal, golden platter?
Oh, but we think our poet is underestimating the level of use he and his brethren are making of these "historical matters". We submit that you profit quite handsomely, Marwan. And we'll move aside after correcting these few purely technical issues with your outstanding delivery.

Go ahead, keep up the good job. Allah be with you. Because no one else will be, when our trained reptilians come over to your place to discuss the profit and its sharing.

See ya.