30 November 2005

Hariri murder suspect rushed to hospital with heart problem

(From Ynet ticker tape):

A former security chief detained in the investigation into Rafik Hariri's assassination was rushed to hospital with a heart problem on Wednesday, Lebanese security officials said.
Major-General Raymond Azar, the former chief of Lebanon's military intelligence, was taken from Roumieh prison to Hotel Dieu hospital in Beirut. (AP)

Seems to be a regular plague among the chief suspects lately. Any conclusions?

Nah, too early. Two out of what? Seven, ten? Let's wait...

France Upholds Law That Smooths History

Here is a low quality picture of a confused person.

To tell you the truth, the Elders Hasbara department is also confused by all that stink raised in the media about a perfectly sensible step taken by the French Ministry of Finance.

Now you, little anti-French shits seem to be confused. Why Ministry of Finance? Very simple.

French people are very sensitive where counting their sous (sorry, EuroCents) is concerned.

Regarding the history of their behavior in Algeria, they know perfectly well that the 6 million strong team of native historians they already have in place will never let them forget any details. So it makes a perfect economic sense to cut down on the volume of the history schoolbooks.

Also - the less paper, the less trees cut down, so the tree huggers will be happy as well.

See now? So pipe down.

(That one is a bit better, we think)

29 November 2005

A fable for the children of Gaza.

Dear children!

This is the story originally told by Uncle Conan. He is generally an infidel and works for an infidel paper named Guardian from an infidel country named United Kingdom.

We (the Elders) have decided to tell the story again, this time with pictures - to make it interesting to you. Since the story is directly related to you, children...

In a zoo that was opened not a long time ago in Gaza City, there were two lions: a boy lion (cub) Sakher and his girl sister Sabrina. Sakher and Sabrina naturally love each other and spend their days playing:

Discussing all kind of stuff:

And generally making children happy - see happy children:

It so happened that there are some not so good people in Gaza City (Uncle Conan calls them "armed men") . These armed men are, probably, not as big and scary as this one:

But neither are they as small and nice as these ones:

Probably, the armed men look like this:

Anyway, these not so good armed men "took Sabrina and two Arabic-speaking parrots". Why didn't they take any other parrots, we'll probably never know, but maybe it was done to confuse the good brave policemen who are looking for them all over the place.

Uncle Conan adds also: "They also tried to abduct Sakher but, despite being little bigger than a labrador, he managed to scare them off".

What does that tell us? That the little Sakher has a bid brave heart. Right? It also tells us that, maybe, the armed men were not so brave, after all, and maybe not Arab at all...

In any case, poor little Sakher is in grief. He is lying "listless and disinterested".

Listless means that Sakher is not doing anything, only thinking about his little sister Sabrina:

Children! The picture above appears in the fable by mistake, it came from another book about another Sabrina. Please disregard it!

Here is how deep is Sakher's grief:

Moreover, he is neither eating nor drinking, and if Sabrina is not returned to him quickly, he will become small and withered like this:

He may die if his little sis is not back soon! So, children, the good uncle Saud Sawar, the director of the zoo, has offered a reward of £550 for information leading to the return of the animals!

£550 is a lot of candies, boys and girls, so start lookin for Sabrina and the parrots.

Now, regarding the parrots, Uncle Conan says:

According to Uncle Saud, the "armed men" must have had inside knowledge as they picked the zoo's only speaking parrots.

Which, maybe, is not clear enough for Uncle Conan (him being an infidel and all this), but it is clear to us now - these parrots are the ones who sold Sabrina down the river. Right, children?

In any case, children, you must do everything to find Sabrina real quick. Look what Uncle Conan says:

"As yet, however, the Israeli army has not become involved in the lionhunt."

Well, between you and we, children, this is an infidel's way to say: better find Sabrina soon, or these big bad Jews with their tanks and flying machines will come and bomb the shit out of Gaza City. And we don't want this to happen, do we?

And the last advice from your Elders: do not take any candies from any stranger, even if he says that he is Uncle Saud and came to pay you for finding Sabrina. Take the money only. And run!

Gigi apologizes.

That stray brother of Shimeon Peres apologized today via the same radio channel (Reshet Bet) that translated his eruptions of racist shit yesterday.

Since we did not hear the above mentioned apologies, but know about the IQ of the family, it most probably sounded like this:

"Yesterday I have said that they [Peretz' people] were the Falangists who came from southern Spain, who came to infiltrate as a fifth column into Madrid, and destroyed the magnificent republic".

"My mistake and mea culpa. I meant northern Spain, of course".

Gigi - the yesterday's order re fucking yourself and avoiding interviews was not rescinded. Back to your lair, please, and do not show your face in public places.

That was the face - again. Please avoid at any costs, it may be contagious.

28 November 2005

The ideas interview: Jacqueline Rose

There is never a dull moment with Guardian Unlimited. Now they have unearthed that valiant Jewish fighter against Zionism - Prof. Jacqueline Rose. Under a very intriguing header, too - "The ideas interview".

After looking at the body of work of the excellent prof, the Elders decided the heck with the body and went to look at that handy manual to the Anti-Zionists.

It does not take long to classify Ms. Rose as a typical SSJ (Self Serving Jew). Just another one of the pathetic cases for whom the mere existence of the State of Israel is a single disturbing speck on the pure blue and pink glass cover of their protected lives. SSJs just cannot abide that speck. Are they anal? No, she is the expert here, so she should answer this one.

In any case, we are very intrigued by the possibility of being analysed. I have that uncontrollable twitch in my left eyebrow when the word "effluvium" is used near me. GideonSwort goes berserk when somebody tries to wash his feet unasked. TheMaiden gets her whole body covered by violet blotches seeing babies under 9 months old. KalamozooKid has that unbearable urge to spit from any place higher than 7.5 m.

Well, we hope that the sessions will commence as soon as possible and see the bright speckless future that awaits us.

One more thing. In that interview, the esteemed prof says:

'The decisive moment was in 1980, when I visited Israel for the first time and met Dima Habash on the plane on the way there."

"We went to visit Dima in Ramallah where her mother was running a United Nations relief operation for young Arabs. A whole crowd of girls rushed up to us, all in blue overalls, all incredibly excited that we foreigners were there. They were overjoyed to see us. Then they smiled and their teeth were rotten. There was no dentistry in the refugee camps. That was like a political education in a split second and it's never left me. It still gives me shivers when I talk about it."

Ah, well. To fly all that distance and to take all these risks to see the lack of dentistry that is quite obvious in your native country? Come on.

Peres' brother rips Peretz as 'foreign body in Labor'

Wow. We mean, like, "WOW"!

It is not enough that the old loser is spreading rumors about joining that new Arik's party (possibly more than just rumors).

It is not enough that he is projecting the notion of being unjustly insulted by the thankless comrades in the Labor (so what, when did he win any election?).

Now he is sending out his brother Gigi to say things that for him would be very un-PC to utter.

"Peretz and his people are a foreign body in the Labor Party, like General Franco in Spain," Gigi Peretz told Army radio in an interview.

Referring to Peretz' former Knesset faction, Gigi Peres said "This game is entirely clear - the One Nation people came from North Africa, took over, and shot them in the back."

Here is a friendly advice from the Elders, Gigi: go fuck yourself. Vigorously. No stopping till we say so.

And do not take breaks for any additional interviews, please.

The mug of the fossil follows - just for the fun of it:

27 November 2005

Cloning Einstein and Jesus?

BBC is not a very quick network, but solid.

Why have we decided to mention this? Who the heck knows? It is Sunday, after all, and for us here it is an equivalent of Monday that you, no good lazy...er, no, we have already made that one clear. Anyway, it is Sunday. OK?

So BBC decided to come out with a scoop. Two years ago or so.

"A thousand people were asked who, out of Einstein, Jesus, Elvis Presley and Mozart, they would clone for the good of mankind. And 22% of them voted for the crazy-haired scientist, compared to 12% for Christ. Some people chose more than one person."

We are glad to see that of the four candidates two are clearly Jewish, the third thought not, but was outed lately and even the fourth has had some suspicious dealings with obvious Zionists.

So there are two things Elders would like to make crystal clear, now that we control the world and the need for discretion is no more.

  1. The mere list of the candidates should make it clear who is calling the shots, who is the head honcho, the top dog, the big cheese, the Big Boss (may his name be whispered only).
  2. Now, if you in your childish mental virginity still think that there is no other way to deal with procreation than using that good old one here:

think again. Especially when somebody coughs or sneezes near your old lady

Then look at this and THINK!

P.S. Notice these two Bs in BBC?

Is Comical Ali back?

All of you (OK, some of you) probably remember the man and his valiant fight with the occupants. Almost single-handedly he succeeded to defeat the Big Satan. Well, the problem was that Big Satan wasn't aware of it at the time and continued to press forward with said occupation.

It appears that the man has found a new employer now - the Iranian MEHRNEWS. Now his repertory switched from the past Nibelungian heroics to purely comical. And he is so good at what he does that we have decided to put aside his stuff till the weekend - to be consumed during the time when we could really concentrate on the most funny places - in the solitude, serenity and silence of our own restrooms.

Comical Ali calls himself now Hassan Hanizadeh and concentrates on internal affairs of the "Zionist regime". Like in this article:

“Colored” earthquake rocks Israel

(Sounds like an eruption of a particularly big and troublesome boil, innit?)

"Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s decision to quit the right-wing Likud Party and the victory of Amir Peretz in the internal election of the Labor Party, coupled with the dissolving of the Israeli parliament, the Knesset, are all signs that a political earthquake has struck the Zionist regime."

We have tried to use our fingers to figure this out: Sharon's decision and Peretz's victory coupled with dissolving... Who is coupling with whom, for krissake?

"Sharon, who has been in power for five years, has shown that he has been defeated in the internal, external, and military arenas and must soon leave office forever."

That would be a new one. The one thing the old boy was showing consistently (besides being a fatso) was outfoxing everybody and their sister.

"The second failure that caused an intensification of the Israeli government’s political crisis was the victory of Amir Peretz in the election for Labor Party leader."

Was it a failure or a victory? Please clarify. We are holding our collective breath here!

"Amir Peretz is a young and less-known politician with an Eastern background. This is the first time that a non-military figure has become the leader of the party."

Sure. Peres is still using that old tank Ben-Gurion gave him as a parting present, when Peres was taking over from him as chief of staff.

"Israeli President Moshe Katsav’s order to dissolve the parliament created another crisis for the Zionist regime."

But we thought it is Sharon who asked... Nah, never mind.

"Since the Labor Party, led by Peretz, is expected to win that election, the world will observe a new political approach to the Arab-Israeli conflict."

Nice to know that, my ten bucks say Peretz is the one! Thanks for the tip, buddy. Mind if I put another ten on Sharon, just to be on the safe side?

"Sharon’s failure and his gradual departure from the political arena is a prelude to a change in the occupied territories, which is occurring as a result of the relentless armed struggle of Palestinian resistance groups and because the international community, and especially the West, no longer wants to pay the price of keeping the Israeli reactionaries in power."

That was a mouthful! No one in the department understood this one, and our lawyer, after reading it, says it will be definitely actionable - as soon as he figures it out.

I have also quoted parts of the article to my dog, the old boy pissed himself laughing.

And I don't even have a dog!

25 November 2005

Sheikh Nasralla speaking - lost in translation again?

The Hon. Sheikh Nasralla gave a speech today during the funeral of the authentic Hizb Allah heroes returned by IDF. He is quite sure that kidnapping our soldiers is a moral imperative for his brave troops.

According to this Hebrew article, he added an interesting sentence. Regarding the three stiffs returned by IDF, he said:

"These Shahids (martyrs) were killed, but many others are waiting for their turn".

Well, we don't know how to understand this one. If there are so many of the folks pining for martyrdom, they could be accommodated.

One humble request, though: is it possible to line them up on the other side of the border? All this shlepping of the coffins is quite tiresome for our guys here.

P.S. We sincerely hope that Hon. Sheikh's parents do not know what Nasralla means in Russian. They may never recover from this blow.

Churchill to Journalist: Consider Yourself Warned

This is an amazing report on an exchange of letters between Ward Churchill and Grant Crowell.

Ward Churchil, he of the "little Eichmanns" dubious fame, of dubious Indian ethnicity, of dubious scientific merit, is threatening Grant Crowell, a journalist, re his future publishing of Churchill's speeches. Amazing by itself.

What amazed me more, that even in his insults Churchil is stealing ideas. That Walking Eagle (an eagle that cannot fly cause it is too full of shit) moniker was applied to Churchil himself some time ago. The man is so pathetic that a tapeworm looks like an Indian warrior in comparison.

He is being sued by several parties for plagiarism, rejected by Indian tribes as a fake, uses freedom of speech for notoriety to sell his scandalous fame to students. What next?

We cannot resist the temptation to quote from that article by Matt Labash again:

I ask him what he thinks of Churchill's Indian name, which is "Keezjunnahbeh," meaning "kind-hearted man."
Neconie shrugs. He hadn't heard of it. "But Bay Area Indians, we have our own name for him. We just call him Walking Eagle."
"Why?" I ask.
"Because," says Neconie, gathering up his placards, "a Walking Eagle is so full of s--that it can no longer fly."

Hat tip to LGF for the link to the article.

Don't Bomb Us?

This here is a new blog opened by Al-Jazeera staffers.

"Did you know we have a Code of Ethics?", they ask.

It really cracked us up here is the Elders' department of propaganda. No, really, do they threaten that B and B pair by that Code of Ethics? What kind of answer is that?

Anyway, boys and girls, dear colleagues - do not worry and do not get your knickers all bunched.

First of all, for Dubya it was only a fleeting thought, and he forgot about it already - not that Tony worked all that hard to prevent the bombing.

In any case, Dubya doesn't have a slightest idea where the heck you are hiding, so rest assured that it wouldn't happen anytime soon. Even if someone gets bombed it could as well happen in another part of the world, so your risk is negligent.

And re that question: "Should I go to work today?" - what kinda question this is? We are not saying you, Mr. Yousef Al-Shouly, are definitely not going be stricken by a bus or by a runaway camel or by bird flu on your way to the office. But otherwise, your chances to be bombed by USAF today are nill. Take it to your bank - just don't try to get a loan out of it.

Remember, we control all the money! And everything else too, by the way.

Apes and pigs

24 November 2005

Don't be silly.

This is an umpteenth time that our Eye sees that stupid question appearing in the muddy waters of the Internet: "are the jews controlling the money?"

Cannot you people get something straight the first time. OK, we'll go slowly:

  1. Jews are doing what their Elders want them to do
  2. The Elders control everything
  3. Everything includes the money as well
  4. Ergo - Jews control the money
I hope we wouldn't have to explain it in colored pictures?

Now listen carefully: take your notebook and write down 28 times:

"Jews are controlling the money"

Do not try to cheat - we know where New Brunswick is in Canada.

Lebanon demands Israel return bodies of three Hezbollah men killed this week

Says Haaretz today.

"What is required is the handover of the bodies of the resistance fighters who fell as martyrs during the latest confrontations in order to defuse the tension on Lebanon's international border," Prime Minister Fuad Saniora told reporters during a visit to Qatar on Wednesday.

Translated into a plain French, it means - you better return the stiffs, or else.

And we thought it is finders - keepers!

Can't we keep at least the ears, Mr. Saniora?

A day in the life of a turkey.

Actually, the article is titled "Turkey of a Day for Jackson".

And why does the media create all this noise? I mean, it only goes to confirm that Mickey is right thinking that he is "the most popular person in the world". Who would argue. Granted, most of the today's teenagers are not so sure what "Michael Jackson" stand for, but let's not be small-minded here.

Now to the gist of his complaints.

"They suck--they're like leeches. I'm so tired of it," Jackson purportedly says in a phone message to Wiesner...

"They start out the most popular person in the world, make a lot of money, big house, cars, and everything, end up with, penniless. It is a conspiracy. The Jews do it on purpose."

No, Mickey, it is not a conspiracy. We are ready and willing to admit that we did suck your blood when you were a youngster, and the blood was fresh and tasty. A simple trivial gefilte fish became a treat for kings with a few drops of the stuff.

True, we made a few bucks out of you too in our bignosed insinuating way.

But now, look at you:

You will be the first to admit that anyone who succeeds to make money out of this could make even more money of selling snow to Inuits. As for the taste of your blood nowadays, not to speak about the contents - come on...

In short - it was nothing personal, just business. But don't despair, we have a new idea about your next look and feel. It will make us all lots and lots of moolah. Gib a kook:

We are lining up a few plastic surgeons we found useful in the past. Such as the guy who done Jimmy Hoffa into Marilyn M. and the one who stitched that beard on the guy you know as Fidel C. and his shtetl in the old country still remembers as "that poor nebich".

You will be as good as new, and it will not cost you a penny, they owe us a favor or two. Be cool.

Oh, and as for your blood, just forget it. No need anymore.

UN issues first-ever...

UN issues first-ever censure...

UN issues first-ever censure of Hezbollah

No, it is not happening. In fact, it is happening, but we did not intend it to happen so fast, mere two or three days after we told them off.

OK, we understand all this, after all uncle ZOG put a bit of pressure, some sensitive toes were stepped on and everyone knows where the butter on that falling sandwich comes from.

Anyway, a message will be send to Kofi (via the usual channels) that it should not be so obvious in the future.

What we intended was... Nah, doesn't matter...

23 November 2005

This Isn't the United States? No shit?

One of our favorite sources of (dis)information - Arutz Sheva - publishes from time to time in its OPINION (yeah, capitals, so no mistake) these fire and brimstone articles of Batya Medad.

Batya describes herself as "a wife, mother, grandmother, writer, photographer and English teacher". Lotsa titles for one person. Unfortunately, she frequently ventures into areas where her knowledge is a bit wobbly. Like in that unfortunate article "This Isn't the United States". The title by itself is a gem. Oy vey, thought we the junior Elders, how did a person come up with this discovery by herself?

The object of all this fire and other elements was our poor High Court of Justice, especially its current head Aharon Barak.

After a bit of a lyrical preamble about the harmony of that three-branched check and balance system of US government, Batya comes to a description of our (Israeli) local depraved system, and this is where the circus starts.

"In Israel, the judges are approved by a committee made up of other judges. It's a real closed club. And that's only the technical part of the business."

Yes, dear Batya, it is a technicality, but you have started from a wrong foot already. You see, that committee is defined quite strictly:

"The Committee shall consist of nine members, namely, the President of the Supreme Court, two other judges of the Supreme Court elected by the body of judges thereof, the Minister of Justice and another Minister designated by the Government, two members of the Knesset elected by the Knesset and two representatives of the Chamber of Advocates elected by the National Council of the Chamber."


"In Israel, the Supreme Court is dominated by Supreme Court President Aharon Barak who sees his role as the Supreme Guide to Justice and Proper Ideology and Values for Israel."

Wow - how could that happen? Instead of, say, a chief economist of the Ministry of Finance, the Supreme Court is dominated by... The Chief Justice!!! Gevald!!!

So no dice here. Let's move to the next pearl:

"So, the bottom line is that the true dictator of Israel is not Ariel Sharon; he is Aharon Barak."

I have checked our (The Elders') roster, and you, Batya, are not one of us so far. So why do you try to mislead them? The truth is that we, The Elders, are the only rulers of the Universe, so here. If Arik or Aharon tell you different, do not try to be objectionable, let them have some lemonade and cool off in the shadow of that nice porch of yours.


"Barak with the help of his court, even has the power to veto government laws."

Yes, Batya, in a country where some super-corrupted MKs have the super-chutzpa to pass a law that allows uncontrolled distribution of jobs to their political buddies, we must have a safety valve. In the country where the laws get so freely interpreted by all kinds of "experts", somebody must stand fast to prevent the insanity from taking over. Too bad that some of the beliefs you hold dear are sometimes overriden by the laws of the State of Israel.

"He also controls the committee that approves judges; so, basically, he controls this country."

Already disposed off - both the committee and who really controls what.

"The root of this problem is how and who constructed the principles of the Israeli government after the country was established in 1948."

Yes, the people who set up this shebang did not come with a messianic message from Bronx. True. Too bad, but this is what we have here.

"Honestly, I don't fully understand what tools we have to correct it."

Good. Let it stay this way. Who knows what happens if and when you finally grok it.

"Israel is far from being a Hebrew-speaking United States."

Baruch Ha Shem. We have to do it differently in out shtetl, you must agree with that...

"Not that I personally would want a duplicate, but I definitely don't want to live in a dictatorship, which this is."

Don't wait then. It is a yes or no situation. Or, as they say in Odessa, it is either yes or the other one of the two...

"And remember that Ariel Sharon only succeeded in forcing through Disengagement because the Israeli Supreme Court approved of it."

Now, Batya, this is the real reason for that fire, not to speak about the brimstone. Right? We do understand where the dog is buried, ain't we?

Be well, Batya, and do not play politics. Se geit shtark shlecht.

The Elders (juniors).

Punished for virtual adultery?

Ananova tells that "a Romanian woman demanded a divorce for virtual adultery after she caught her husband surfing the internet for porn."

It is unclear why a virtual divorce is not enough punishment for that "virtual adultery". And why bother a real flesh and bones judge with a virtual case?

After a detailed review of the article, another issue came up:

"Ion said he found himself tempted by the XXX images after he bought his younger son a new computer and accessed the internet."

("Ion" above does not mean a positively charged particle, it is a name of that negatively thinking Romanian husband)

So, Ion, next time before getting engrossed in smut, think positively. Buy a computer first for your spouse and teach her how to get the most out of it. Then buy one for your son and one for yourself.

And if you don't have money for three PCs, go to the library, you turkey. It is free there. And your old lady will not bother you.

22 November 2005

Zarqawi / not Zarqawi / Zarqawi / not Zarqawi...

It says here:

"Iraq is checking reports that the Jordanian militant Abu Musab al-Zarqawi may have been killed during fighting in northern Iraq, the foreign minister, Hoshiyar Zebari, said yesterday. "

The suspected corpse DNA were forwarded to several major laboratories, and the result was amazing, stunning actually. Nothing could have prepared the shocked scientists, not to speak about not so very much grieving relatives to the discovery that the DNA points to the infamous Sam.

Go figure...


These folks in the Grudge Report have their knickers twisted over a simple story.

"At 11:04:45 AM ET Monday CNN was airing Vice President Dick Cheney's speech live from the American Enterprise Institute in Washington -- when a large black 'X' repeatedly flashed over the vice president's face!"

"Is someone in Atlanta trying to tell us something?"

No, you dummkopfs you! Atlanta has absolutely nothing to do with this one. The mere thought that Atlanta... nah, ridiculous.

In fact, it was a field test of our new remote control technique. The flashing X means that for all purposes the person marked is kaput. Done for. Makhn ashen porach. Traif. No more.

Which gives all our field operatives a sign to disregard the person so marked.

Two other signs that we plan to use:

Magen David (Star of David):

This one means: the person marked is to be regarded as VIP, special care required.

Now the third and the most important one:

That one means: "Terminate with extreme prejudice". It will not be visible to non-members, and only specially programmed operatives will respond to it.

Sharon Upgraded

The aging and dilapidated leader was recently taken in for a partial overhaul, in a last ditch attempt to get the SharonDrone ready for the reopening of the Knesset, and the upcoming elections. Major cosmetic as well as hardware and Software updates were performed:

The Dove\Hawk routine was given a wider ambiguity scope, consequently affecting his eyes, which can now operate independently in axis, resulting in a broader wide screen intake. Although his squint to the left has been readjusted, the extreme right field of view has suffered irreversible damage. One manifestation that has baffled the experts, is his total inability to see the colour Orange - it just doesn't register.

Discerning readers will note the independent axis of the eyes, with a noticeable shift to the left

The fuselage was given some reinforcement, as more-of-the-same equipment was loaded on. We've planned for greater loading capacity as he'll need to carry within his new look superstructure an assortment of Likudite reject gremlins that our scientists forecast will grow in stature as they go about the daily business of accumulating corruption and intrigue.

His neck mechanism was also given increased forward movement, with a telescopic feature, and look down/shoot down facility enabling him to see past his cargo hold. This came about as a result of the Knesset's toilet cleaners complaint that he constantly overshoots the target.

The Good, the Bad and the UN

From the Haaretz article:

The essence of the story

At least four Hezbollah gunmen were killed on Monday trying to kidnap soldiers from IDF outposts on the Lebanese border, and seven soldiers and four civilians were wounded in the series of clashes.

The development

Hezbollah gunmen launched simultaneous attacks on several areas along the northern border, beginning at about 2:45 p.m. At first, apparently as a diversion, artillery fire hit IDF bases at Har Dov. There were no injuries. In addition, a farmer was shot at in a field near Metula

Near the central Har Dov post Gladiola, under the cover of the shelling, two Hezbollah gunmen infiltrated very close to the base.

A number of Hezbollah cells, traveling to the village on dirt bikes and all-terrain vehicles, infiltrated the village of Ghajar, part of which is inside Israeli territory.

Sounds simple? Nope.

The commentary

... Hezbollah blamed Israel Monday for the escalation. A senior member of the organization, Hassan Az a-Din, told Lebanese television that Lebanon faces a "planned Israeli attack," which Sharon initiated in order to extract himself from his internal political difficulties.

The UN Security Council, meanwhile, failed on Monday to agree on how to condemn the violence, mainly because of disputes between the United States and Algeria, diplomats said.

After several hours of negotiations, Security Council members gave up trying to amend a statement, drafted by France, that would have condemned "military exchanges initiated by Hezbollah" as well as "Israeli violations of Lebanese airspace."

The United States wanted the reference to Israel deleted and Algeria, the only Arab member of the council, objected to putting the blame on Hezbollah, according to participants at the consultations.

So - what else is new?

The Unbelievable Nincompoops strike (out) again.

21 November 2005

Hands off our mammary glands!

Science as a whole is not without some positive effects on that globe. We, the Elders, see some side effects of science as very useful. Take, for instance, the air and water pollution, the food additives, the uncounted ways to reduce the flora and fauna to hanky-sized lawns and few types of cockroaches, the disappearance of fishes we were used to see on our plates.

Not to speak about cosmetics and plastic surgery that prolong the careers of many most irritating TV and movie stars...

In short, we like everything that makes people irritated, continuously pissed off at life, at universe and generally at everything. This makes our (the Elders) mission easer.

However, we are watching. One can never be vigilant enough. And our Eye detects for a number of years some disturbing evidence. We are talking about some of the so-called "scientists". Yes - a small percentage of the generally complacent army of the eggheads.

We mean the do-gooders, the raving loonies who do not seem to get the message and are hell-bent to swim against the current. First - the tobacco. Then came fatty foods, they even raised their hand on chips! I mean French fries - for some of you turkeys. Then came the air pollution and that stupid global warming. Etc.

OK, we can cope with all this shit, no worries. Ve have our vays.

Now some of these dickless wonders - this time from Harvard - have in their sights no more and nor less than the highly esteemed D-Cup sized mammary glands. We wonder why - I mean, what the heck would these limp-wristed eggheads have to do with D-Cup sized people? Aside of hurt self-esteem on the basis of total rejection, of course.

It looks like these dorky characters do not even start to understand the magnitude of the issue here. Not to speak about the simple fact that the whole world economy is standing strong and proud only because of the bra, which is the almost single foundation of the modern civilization, that D-cup is a vital mean for the Elders to keep the masses distracted (and how distracted!).

This is a warning to you all - cease and desist. Or else.

At least not all of them eggheads are that stupid and reckless. Take for example that prof - Michel Coleman is the name. Good guy, no questions about it. Here comes his picture:

(Put here to prevent a mishap when TheMaiden does some preliminary interviews with some of them dumbass eggheads).

20 November 2005


There is that comedian - Kurt Nimmo's the name, who got a serious glandular problem, we think.

He posted in one of our favourite media outlets - Indymedia (UK branch) the following scoop:

The Radisson SAS is a Scandinavian chain and owned by Palestinian-Jordanians.The Radisson SAS was bombed by Mossad because it was considered a Palestinian target—and because blame could be pinned on the mythical al-Zarqawi.

Oh, man here you got it all wrong. Why should we (the Elders) try to blow up a few insignificant revellers, when we could have easily raze the whole shebang? After all, you yourself ascribe to us 9/11, Bali, etc.?

And why would we leave that underexploded gal (sorry, widow) alive to blubber all over the TV networks? Just not out style, you know it.

I mean, come on, be serious. Give the Elders their due. We cannot be responsible for that little Jordanian putz Zarqawi who cannot teach his dumbo operatives to get an address right.

And of course, take it as a given - unlike Zarqawi we would not apologize after a mistake. No way, Hoze.

Hattip to spiritof1976 of http://www.livejournal.com/users/spiritof1976/
and to Drink Soaked Popinjays For War of http://drinksoakedtrotsforwar.blogspot.com/

Strait Gate Ministries and Jew Bernanke

More on the same subject: it appears that this issue agitates a small but dedicated team of 6 and some volunteers that calls itself "Strait Gate Ministries" and is located, of all places, in Scottsdale Arizona.

The name is maybe confusing a bit. Do not take it phonetically, since it is not "straight" but "strait", like in "A narrow channel of the sea joining two larger bodies of water", or "A bad or difficult situation or state of affairs", or "Strict and severe" - whichever one you prefer.

Anyway, straight they are not, apparently. We (the Elders) have already made it perfectly clear that we do not mind, we are very tolerant.

Obviously this group got wise to some of our ways. They say re Jew Bernanke:

"Controlling our money, Ben Shalom Bernanke"

"Ben Shalom Bernanke is only the new hood ornament on a huge black limo with opaque windows."

Well, first of all - the whole amount of US$$ in Scottsdale Arizona is of interest, maybe, to an ice cream cart owner. Then re the limo: it only appears to be a limo. In reality it is a first-class personnel carrier for the 6 ft lizards who are our partners and blood relatives. So here. But the general trend is there, no buts about it.

Re our power of prediction - they got something right too:

Israelis forcast higher interest rates for USA:
Quoting Haaretz Oct 26, 2005

"How do they know?"

Referring to:

" The expected rise in U.S. interest rates..."

Well, they got it only partly right. We know, since we tell them what the interest rates will be, stupid.

In short - good job. We realize your mental limitations and moral qualms, but you are going in the right directions, Fathers. Keep going, and maybe we'll have to send you a special greeting. Via TheMaiden.

P.S. A query to Elders' archiver:

Wasn't Scottsdale AZ in the direct line of the H-bomb test fallout in 53 or 54? The natives are uncharacteristically frisky there.

Yes? OK, that explains a lot.

The goal of Moshe Feiglin

It came to our attention that a certain character that goes under name of Moshe Feiglin is engaging in activities that were not authorized by any of Elders' departments.

Namely, said Moshe Feiglin (MF for brevity from now on) has some plans for the "Jewish homeland" that were neither approved nor put forward for such approval by our outfit. Follows the list of his goals with some comments (marked by [E]):

1. Our country must focus on our shared Jewish identity. All of its systems must reflect our Jewish values:

[E] All of its systems are and will be reflecting what we, the Elders, decide. Do not become too uppity, young man.

2. Firm faith that the Land of Israel belongs to the Jewish People reflected in both internal policy and foreign affairs

[E] See above. Faith is good, but leave it for moderate use with the Sabbath candles. Stick the candles in afterward, please.

3. Authentic Jewish education for every child in the country

[E] We already have a perfect minister of education, thank you. Anything more stupid, and we'll start breeding Nobel winners like rabbits here, and we do not need this PITA (Pain In The Ass for you) at the moment - too much attention.

4. A judicial system based on Jewish values

[E] Being already considered. We think about getting you stoned (in the Biblical sense of the word), an only the choice of a right place is delaying us.

5. Jewish labor for an effective, creative and moral economy

[E] Aha. This is why one cannot get a good plumber for love or for money these days. Putz.

6. Restoration of moral strength and deterrent power to Israel's army

[E] Yep - none of your business, comrade. You stay with providing more hot air - as long as we allow, that is.

7. Media that reflect Jewish values and morals

[E] We have already done this in a few places. The good ole late USSR comes to mind. Look where it got us.

8. A massive Aliyah program designed so that every Jew in the world can come home and feel at home!

[E] Well, that means first of all getting rid of a lowlife like you and yours and settle that business with our cousins. We'll get to it in time, do not bother your little head.

Well, dear MF. Just a second here: does that MF setup mean what we think it means? Like in "Look here, I am a bad, bad MF, do not mess wid me!"? If so - you are not authorized to use these initials either, so get rid of them. We approve CS for you, and as a punishment you must figure out by yourself what it means.

Well, dear CS - we have some other plans for you, other than your masturbatory dreams about that "Jewish homeland" of yours. Our applied biology (simply put - eugenics) department decided that by cross-breeding you with that other turkey - Israel Shamir, we have a good chance to get something useful after all. Here are the details:

1. CS picture:

2. IS picture:

3. One of the (possible) positive results:

4. We forgot to mention: as soon as the cross-breeding activity is successfully completed, the remaining body parts of the input material will be disposed off.

19 November 2005

"it runs through the maternal line" - Ken Livingstone

Here Ken, what's all this about then?

"There’s no evidence of where my maternal grandmother came from, she was called Zona".

Listen Ken, I know you're going to find this one a real shocker, but there's a certain likelihood that there's a damn good reason why your Granny's past in unclear. We may also assume that her early career choice was not recorded in your family annals. See Ken, a lot of Jewish names were taken from professions or trades that ran in the family. Since biblical times to Modern Hebrew, the name of one of the oldest professions hasn't changed, it's held steady and constant thorough the ages. As a certain generous woman was described in the Torah, to the street strollers, pacing the modern southern reaches of Hayarkon Street in Tel Aviv, Hebrew has remained unaltered for thousands of years. "Ben Zona" is a run-of-the-mill blessing that most Israelis will use without a second thought; Ben meaning Son, while in this context it implies - Son of. Although technically, narratively speaking, it could be a choice label for your lineage, the correct Hebrew sentence would mean grandson of. Bringing it all together, you would be Nekhed Shel Zona; translated, grandson of [a] Zona [Whore].

"And I remember a couple of times when I was a kid, she would say to me, 'Don’t let anyone ever tell you you’re Jewish.'”

Now we don't want to get ahead of ourselves on this one Ken, but we can hazard a guess, as to the reasoning behind her cautioning advice.

"Which made me think we must be, otherwise why would she raise this"?

Well yes, and there you go; Zona's your Grandma.

"And I remember chatting to Greville Janner about this, saying it sounds like a middle European name. So I might be Jewish".

Greville is certainly a polite man; you may have noticed a slight smirk as he was listening to your confession.

"Not that I want anyone to feel mortified about this at the Board of Deputies".

Hey ken, mortified is not really the right term here, titillated would be more to the point man.

"I mean, because it runs through the maternal line if it turned out to be true I could go and stand for the Knesset, couldn’t I? In Israel I could be elected, no problem".

Listen Ken, we've got enough Ben Zona's in the Knesset as it is, one more would not really make a difference.

Hi EL it's most certainly me...

Q & A

It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, " Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up:

"Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?" Again, no response, except from Chandrashekhar.

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrashekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Indians," "Who said that?" she demanded.

Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared around and asked "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked!" and Chandrashekhar said quietly,

"George Bush on Iraq, 2005."

Courtesy of MEW (mew@mideastweb.org)

Bernanke Jew? Jew Bernanke?

Dear guest: whatever your intentions regarding that search may be, please click here and answer a simple question. It will take only a few seconds of your valuable time, and the Elders are ready to compensate you for the effort.

Here is the compensation.

Our watchful eye discerned a lot of excitement and movement in the virtual life area called Internet. It appears that a lot of you out there cannot digest the mundane event that happened in the Elders second* seat of power - that grimy place called Washington DC.

We mean the replacement of one Jew - Alan Greenspan by another Jew - Ben Bernanke**.

Many of you lowlife anti-Semitic bigots cannot get over it, judging by the endless searches for "Jew Bernanke" or "Bernanke Jew" that inundate Google lately. This, in spite of what we have already told you on these pages - yes, he is Jewish and yes, the appointment was carefully weighed by the Elders DOGA - department of goyim affairs.

What? Are you out of your tiny muddled minds? Council of the Elders? To settle such a minor issue? Nah, do not overestimate the value of that job - there are more debts than cash at the moment, and re Fort Knox - nah, forget it...

So rest assured - there is nothing new under the sun, not if we, the Elders***, do not decide differently. In case we decide differently, a short notice to this effect will be issued in the main newspapers in the "Classified" under "Help wanted" category.

Meanwhile, keep calm and make sure the daily intake of hallucinogenic drugs is not exceeded, we do not look kindly at excesses in this area.


(*) What do you think - you will get from us a precise location of our main place? Go climb a tree.

(**) Have anyone of you suckers noticed the initials of that guy? Yes - BB. Now swallow this.

(***) The truth is I am not exactly authorized to issue this message under the Elders' name, but for this case I got a special permission.

17 November 2005

The writing on the wall.

From today's Haaretz ticker tape: Knesset chairman Rubi Rivlin submitted a formal complaint to the police, after a rude graffiti attacking Arik Sharon was discovered in the Knesset restroom.

The Elders agent who penetrated the said restroom using our special shit-eating techniques, snapped a picture of the wall in question, here it is:

Why not?

MK Omri Sharon will not have to resign from the Knesset in the wake of his conviction even if the Tel Aviv Magistrate's Court rules that the offenses to which he pleaded guilty constitute crimes of moral turpitude.

That's fine with us. There is already another one or two on the way to the nick as well.

Cannot wait to see that special Knesset TV channel to start direct feeds from the jail parliament sessions with all 120 of them.

We have prepared enough room on the wall for 120 pictures like this one:

Indonesia video warning on terror

That article is a treasure trove of information. On the other hand, it gets you dizzy when trying to figure out some of its heroes. Such as that bloke Noordin Mohamad Top.

'"You will be the target of our next attack," he said, pointing his finger at the camera. '

It is known to be bad PR to threaten the media people. Who will want to film you then?

"Our enemy is America, Australia, England and Italy," the man said...

I dig the first three. WASPs and all that. But Italy? Come on, man, I don't like pasta too and the prices in Rome or Venice are pure murder, but Italy? Maybe he means Canada?

Now to his partner, the one who blew himself up - Azahari bin Husin.

" When police approached the house on Wednesday November 9, a shootout ensued before authorities heard a series of explosions from inside."

If one decided to become a martyr, why not wait a little and blow up a few imperilaist/Zionist lackey dogs as well? This is what we call premature discharge...

"About 30 bombs were found in the home..."

Why not blow them all up? Bigger bang - bigger fame. Ah, well... These inconsistencies could be explained, I think, if one looks at this guy's CV:

"Azahari studied mechanical engineering at Adelaide University in Australia before getting a doctorate in property valuation from Reading University in England in 1990. He was a university professor before reportedly joining Jemaah Islamiyah."

That's one mixed-up puppy. All this WASP education got to his head obviously. Osama must take a closer look at his HR department, they are slipping.

P.S. A memo to the props department, Elders regional HQ:

Chaim, you must do better on the ski masks. One can easily see that wart over Moshe's right eye here:

16 November 2005

Little David's dad.

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor. etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."

The teacher, shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some math problems, and took Little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "he works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Hat tip to "MEW" and http://lgrossman.com/

15 November 2005

Anti-Zionist Durex

In a recent survey, the average Israeli was dealt a striking, below-the-belt blow by the worlds leading latex prophylactic producer. We take it upon ourselves to note that while western society has adopted the manufacturers name as a generic term for Petz Gumalach worldwide, Israelis tend to go for other, less constricting variety of products by manufacturers more in tune with the Jewish organ.

One thing that has to be pointed out, before delving headlong into statistics, is the average Israelis inability to comply with any given survey by means of reasonable sincerity. The phenomenon is better known as the "Loser Complex", coined for the inability of leading Israeli statisticians to predict the results of any given election that Shimaleh participated in. It was scientifically demonstrated that Israelis will always answer a survey with the complete opposite of their true intention. Obviously, Durex has not calculated for this stipulation. Leading researchers have found that this ubiquitous phenomenon is directly connected with the Elder's first discipline of 'always wrong footing the enemy'.

Another huge hole in this survey can be directly related to the fact that most Israeli men are away from their sexual partners for periods in excess of 30 days, in activities relating to keeping our excitable cousins at bay. Factoring most of all, while away in Reserves duty, the IDF spices the drinking water with Bicarbonate of Soda, a development taken from the British Forces widespread use of Quinine as an erection suppressant. While Quinine has long term permanent damaging indications, Bicarbonate of Soda blows out of the system within 45 days, with only minor side effects; notably nighttime IDF issued blanket flapping. Taken in context, we therefore invite Durex to note this major error in their calculations, and respectfully recalculate the statistics to reflect that the average Israeli has only 320 potential days per annum for shtumping. This alone would bring us to the top of the bang-per-annum listing, were it not for the following.

Davinen, or praying is a known form of copulation circumnavigation. All religious men can be found at shul (synagogue) all year round, exhausted by all of that tooing and froing, swinging back and forth tribal ritual they do for hours on end. By the time they get home they barely have the energy to strip a sweat drenched tzitze, let alone attend to Havale's danglers. It's a well established fact that most curly worlies and other god sniffers rarely shtump, what with all of those menstrual restriction, ritual bathing and dietary restrictions. Food of sorts is a known aphrodisiac, but grey Gefilte Fish is hardly an oyster. Again we have easily demonstrated that this survey does not take into account the gamut of Israeli sexuality. When recalculating the numbers, and allowing for the statistical loophole that the religious Israelis present us with, the true numbers would suggest that an average Israeli Knaker performs the ritual twice frequently as the average virile Greek.

Another factor which this so called survey fails to take into account is the known fact that Israelis are the global prize mind screwers, a category for which no apparent statistical data was even collected. We therefore conclude that ulterior motives were behind this tendentious survey. Durex can expect to receive the bluff end of the Elders Serpent.

Hands off Borat!

It looks like some people in Kazakhstan have placed our dear field agent Sacha Baron Cohen aka Borat on their shit lists. Look at that stream of complaints:

"Roman Vassilenko, the press secretary for the Embassy of Kazakhstan, wants to clear up a few misconceptions about his country. Women are not kept in cages. The national sport is not shooting a dog and then having a party. You cannot earn a living being a Gypsy catcher. Wine is not made from fermented horse urine. It is not customary for a man to grab another man’s khrum. “Khrum” is not the word for testicles."

And this is just a smal part of that unending wail. So what - you think that your wine does not contain horse urine? How do you know that this is indeed so? And if no one grabbed you by the khrum yet, it does not prove that it would not happen to you in the near future (hint).

And now comes the confession:

"Travel guides mention a Kazakh sport called kokpar, a precursor of polo. When Vassilenko was asked about it, he hesitated, then explained, “That’s the one where a goat, a dead goat ”a headless dead goat“ is, um, being held as a sort of a prize. And then one rider has it, and he has to run away with it from others who seek to catch it and snatch it from him.” And then they have a party."

So doing things to dead goats is OK now? Come on, be a man. And leave Sacha alone, or we swear we'll make Tony nuke you. That is, as soon as we find out where in the effing world this country of yours is located. So far the only thing we have on you is this:

As soon as we match the above picture with a place on the globe, you are dead ducks!

14 November 2005

Lost in translation.

Usually we do not keep track of WND, they are a bit... overexcited, to say it mildly. But this interview is exceptional. Them folks in the Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigades are warm and welcoming hosts and tell it all as it is. Without going into too many details, we'd like to let them know about one slight problem related to the following:

Humphries: So do you believe honestly that somebody that dies in a martyr operation will get 72 virgins?
Sanakreh: Of course we believe that. It's mentioned in the Koran.

I really do not know how to break these news gently. So I would go straight to the heart of the matter.

There were uncounted discussions of that 72 virgins question. Some so called "experts" even mentioned raisins in this regard. Raisins, I ask you! How ridiculous could one get?

The truth, however, is much simpler, if extremely shocking for some people. A ground breaking research by USMC says that the words "will get 72 virgins" should be read as:


Oy vey! Tough luck, boyos. My heart really bleeds for you. Nah...

Hat tip to Joseph Seavy - take care of yourself over there.

13 November 2005

We stirred this pot of shit

Now here's something that gets up my hooked nose. Everybody and their pious shvesters are getting credit for our work, now they are all lining to get in on the act.
I mean, we toil, plan, scrutinize, invest time effort and technology. We rally up the masses, our agents slip in and out of Mosques all over the fuckin land of snotty arrogant snail slurpers, and our drone in the White house gets all the bleeding credit.

We need to set something straight here. We spent months in the field with the sons of Ishmael and Kush, revving up those cheese cloth clad clerics, firing up the zeal. Went into the really small details, provided those Muezzin screamers with brand new top-of-the fuckin range Hip-Hop amplifiers and speakers. Even wrote the sermons for the squeaky moaners. We circulated proof that Dominique de Villepin has a Jew mother and papers that Nicolas Sarkozy was really Nachman Zalman Sarkowski of Krakow, son of an Elder shyster. We trucked in shit loads of empty bottles, taught the Shabab to mix in the fuel some liquid propellant, even had to ship in the wick cloth. However, nothing could prepare our men in the field for the incompetence these hot heads showed on the streets, their aiming prowess and lack of organization bewildered us. The Maiden, who's an extremely creative and resourceful agent provocateur, came up with a remarkable solution; within hours she had the best the Intifada could offer on the Parisian streets. Yes, the El Aqsa brigade trainers, masters of the over arm technique were flown in. In the pipelines, a Qassam rocket disguised to look for all intents and purposes like a Baguette.

Now I don't want to sound judgmental, but these Shabab riff-raff are a real bunch of fuckin dimwits. Our instructions were fairly simple; when you see a Citroen, toast the car next to it (Needless to say, our French steel recycling plants have been doing very well recently). The instructions would have been understood even by the fart fueled simpleton Chirac. Andre Citroen (formerly Limon) was the first Elder that bought the power of great marketing as a tool for global domination to our council. The man could sell the ugliest most inadequately quirky bastard cars to the uncouth masses. His passion was used strategically as a direct retaliation for that Dreyfus affair. It took the baguette munchers decades to get the fucking joke; they were building their "National Motoring" pride, based on that Deux Chevaux washing board Andre sold them.

We want to make this perfectly clear, we stirred this pot of shit. The mark of the Elders will be recognized and acknowledged.

Elders say NO!

Our ancient search engine that predates the appearance of the first Hollerit machine and, as a matter of fact, the very thought about any kind of machine, came up today with a startling discovery: we may have competitors!

Granted, not very significant ones, but definitely trying to muscle in on our act.

"Serving lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender elders age 60 and over, New Leaf Outreach to Elders (formerly Gay and Lesbian Outreach to Elders or GLOE) provides a range of senior social services promoting independent living and improving quality of life."

Now this is quite a bit of chutzpah, we say! We are a tightly knit family and do not bother our heads with a bit of mono-, bi-, tri- etc. shmoozing here and there. We do not need some late-comer sorority to take care of our sex life.

As a matter of fact, our Boss of Bosses (we call him Bibi affectionately) is himself, how to say it, what a bigot would call "not exactly straight". Simply put, a feigale.

So, shayne buchers and meidalech and all the in between - take your Outreach and stick it, thanks but no thanks. And be careful with this "Elders" word, remember - we are watching, and our arm is long and merciless.

12 November 2005

Another strike for the Elders

Sources: Saudi Arabia agrees to end economic boycotts of Israel

Saudi Arabia has agreed to end all economic boycotts of Israel, allowing the World Trade Organization (WTO) Friday to admit the kingdom as its 149th member, diplomats said.

I have always thought that this guy ( Abdullah bin Abdulaziz al-Saud for you, for us it is "call me Abe and pass that beer") has a nice Yiddishe punem. What do you think?

'Now your uncle on the other side . . .'

It is always difficult when the new machatonim meet for the first time at the simchah, but the marriage of Catherine Himmler into an Israeli family is going to involve some explaining:

Himmler relative marries Israeli

Catharine Himmler, second niece of Hitler's right hand S.S. commander Heinrich Himmler, is married to an Israeli; she is terrified of the day she will have to explain to her son that one side of the family attempted to murder the other side

11 November 2005

Beckham Smells Success

David Beckham fans can now get a whiff of his success (here).

On Monday, he is launching a new perfume - called David Beckham Instinct.

Normally, the football player's instinct is in his feet. I hope that this perfume... Oh, well...

Something KalamazooKid may have missed.

Another mind-boggling piece from the same article:

"I mean, there are all kinds of peaces now; it's such a wonderful thing. I mean, Russia was maintaining peace in Eastern Europe after World War II. It should be applauded. It was quite a peaceful time - on occasion there was an outbreak [of unrest], but mostly it was peaceful. Other countries were run by their security forces and their own governments. You know, there were Russian troops in the background, but it was very peaceful."

It looks that Noam the Master Mind is a bit... how to say it politely? Barking? A few tacos short of an enchilada?

Or just taking a piss, being a mastermind he is purported to be?

All kind of peaces, indeed...

Another soundbite from Tehran

Speaking about that Faurisson character: he is quite a pesky type. The Tehran media purely loves him and cannot get enough of his prophetical drivel.

We would not copy here much from the article, but one thing is significant: the learned professor got wise to one thing that escapes many other poor schlubs, including these simple souls in Tehran:

"It is also normal that the Jews and the Zionists should have got the UN to submit to their will to power..."

Truly he is a wise man, who under his own steam got to figure out the awful truth:


His only personal problem is that he is not wise enough to shut his gob and to apply for a job in one of our countless departments - on the quiet, surely.

Anyways, that Tehran Times article made our day here in the Hasbara department. Poor GideonSwart cackled (in a professional manner) so much he almost choked on his cholent.

More about the leading intellectual

I know, this is old ashes, but still there is something in the Faurisson's affair that keeps open the question: who the fuck is choosing a person like Chomsky to be the super intellect of the ... what was it, really?

Anyhow, the Faurisson's affair starts with a knee-jerk reaction of Chomsky to protest a seeming attempt to limit someone's freedom of speech. A laudable action, followed by an unauthorised use of Chomsky's article as an intro to Faurisson's hateful book. Perfectly excusable so far.

But what follows later, is a slapstick comedy, where the mega-intellect really shows his true colours.

Chomsky on Faurisson:

Putting this central issue aside, is it true that Faurisson is an anti-Semite or a neo-Nazi? As noted earlier, I do not know his work very well. But from what I have read -- largely as a result of the nature of the attacks on him -- I find no evidence to support either conclusion. Nor do I find credible evidence in the material that I have read concerning him, either in the public record or in private correspondence. As far as I can determine, he is a relatively apolitical liberal of some sort.

Try to trace the logic of that famous scientist, that ruler of minds, that ultra-intellectual:

Leap of logic #1:

  1. I do not know his work very well.
  2. I find no evidence to support either conclusion.
How do you like #1? Translated into plain language: I know fuck all about the guy, but anyway I found no evidence... Sure thing.

Leap of logic #2:

  1. ... is it true that Faurisson is an anti-Semite or a neo-Nazi?
  2. As far as I can determine, he is a relatively apolitical liberal of some sort.
Aha... So, since he is an "apolitical liberal", he cannot be an anti-Semite. Fine, cool.

Would a sentence like "I cannot hate cats - I own a hardware store" make sense too, then?
Or "No, officer, I did not piss in the parking lot - I am a brain surgeon, you see...".

This from a professor of linguistics? A leading intellectual of whatever it was? A shining example of something or other?

Fucking A...

Me and Arik, we're like that

I see the South African ambassador to Israel is a big fan of our prime minister

My worry is that if Sharon is not here tomorrow - I'm sorry to say - I don't see peace in the region," Gqiba continued. With six million Jews and 20 million opinions, you need a benign dictator. He's a guy who, if he's made up his mind, he pushes. If you take a gentleman, you'll get nowhere. You need somebody here who's going to say how it's going to be whether you like it or not. It's like in the military. That's how you accomplish the mission. You can't have another type of character here."


SimplyJews welcomes new olim

So it looks like the world's leading intellectual might make aliyah - welcome home Noam.

Would you like to live anywhere else other than the United States?

"I came pretty close to living in Israel. I did live there for a while, in fact. If I went somewhere else, which I don't expect to do, it's possible [it could be Israel]."

You had an experience on a kibbutz, didn't you?

"Briefly. We were intending to go back, my wife went back for a longer period - Kibbutz Hazorea, back in the `50s. It's quite different now from what it was then. Back then it was quite a different place."

But it was a disappointment, wasn't it?

"No, I loved it. I mean I couldn't stand the ideological atmosphere, but for different reasons than today. I mean at that time, it was super Stalinized. I was there right at the time of the trials, the last of Stalin's trials, which were a whole anti-Semitic thing. They were all defending him. I mean, there's a kibbutz shaliach [envoy] here - he was one of the leading figures in the trial, and you know the kibbutz movement is sort of a family, they all knew each other and they all knew the charges were completely fabricated. But they were defending the trial! Anyway, it's a very different place now."

10 November 2005

Foie gras - another bad hair day

It looks like more and more countries surrender to that green plague. Now it is US that is going down where the poor oppressed geese are concerned.

I am not a very violent person, but I have my own red lines, and some people are overstepping. Here in Israel it has already happened - no more force feeding:

Now it is Chicago.

Tomorrow - the world.

Well, not exactly the world. At least the French know how to stand for what they love.

"France has stood firm. About 80 percent of the world's foie gras comes from France. French lawmakers last month unanimously passed an amendment pronouncing foie gras part of France's cultural heritage."

No pasaran here or whatever they say in cases like this one. I doff my hat.

Another quaint detail is what these tree-huggers do to people who dare to disagree with them:

"A River North restaurant was vandalized hours after its owner testified at a Chicago City Council committee hearing Tuesday against a proposed ban on the sale of foie gras, a delicacy made from the livers of geese and ducks."

At least there are still a few sane people in this mad world:

"Meanwhile, Mayor Richard Daley, who has scoffed at the idea of banning foie gras, was even more critical of the proposal Wednesday, a day after the Health Committee approved the ban in a preliminary vote."So the City Council is going to start (making) lists of things you should not buy?" he asked. "What is the next issue? Chicken? Beef? Fish? Everyone has questions about that."

What next, indeed? It is on a day like this one when I want to don my chinchilla overcoat, crocodile skin boots and mink hat, gorge myself on hormon-filled deep-fried chicken steaks, light a cigar and:


Meanwhile, people, look at this and eat your own livers.

Paris, I am coming!

The Ramadan Hotel Corporation Inc

Rumor reaches me that the Ramada Inn Hotel chain is in merger talks with the Israeli-owned Dan Hotel chain to create a new brand called the Ramadan Inns. The plan is to open these throughout the Arab world. Registered in the Cayman Islands to avoid connection with the Zionist Entity, all Ramadans will be fitted with unique shower heads which emit specially charged water, piped in from an underground laboratory in the Weizmann Institute in Rehovot. Interacting with any proprietary brand of shampoo, the resulting foam creates the instant growth of peyas on the face of the hotel guest, thus increasing by several million-fold, the numbers of Hassidim. This process does not distinguish between male and female guests. Females with peyas will at long last bring about the feminist revolution in the Orthodox world started by Ms Streisand in Yentl.

Abu Safam is Da Man!!!

Well, the eternal #2 has done it again. Why the hell bother people to vote at all? Even competing with himself, he will get to the second place. Time for a graceful retirement, laddy.

Anyway, the Labor party in Israel has a new boss, and let's wait and see.
Yes, we know he is a bit of a demagogue and yes, he does not have a ministerial experience and yes, he is a populist and that could be dangerous and yes, he is not experienced in international politics and blah blah blah blah...

Yes, and do you know what - I say it is time to shake up that nest of lazy worms who are too old and too corrupted to do anything unorthodox. Let Peretz rule!

Well, at least for a while.

Besides, what could be nicer than the loser that doesn't know when to quit accepting condolences from a loser that doesn't even understand that he is a loser?

* Abu Safam - in a mix of Arabic and Hebrew - the Mustached One

09 November 2005

Rubbish, all of it? WTF?

"Rubbish, all of it", says some character named "
What the fuck? Who dares? What is this thingy that calls itself Mark Elf?

My first impulsive response was to call upon the good services of TheMaiden (see here). She is somewhat moody lately, and some fresh blood mixed with excrement and tears will do her lots of good. At least, she will disappear for a few days and stop clocking our performance for the duration.

However, after a glass of mint tea with latkes, I have decided to look at that varmint and his stinking e-place, named for some unfathomable reason "Jews sans Frontieres". What in the whole bunch of chicken entrails does it mean (after all I do not dig Froggish)? So I have started googling, looking for anything that calls itself "... sans frontieres". OK, so far I have:

  • Medecines sans Frontieres (means doctors without borders)
  • Reporters sans Frontieres (means reporters without borders) - aha, I am catching the drift now
  • Animaux sans Frontieres (somefink to do with livestock) - cool
  • Pharmaciens sans Frontieres (that's pillpushers for you) - well, no beef with these as well
Veyz mir - quite a list, and there are more and more! But what the heck does it all have to do with Jews? Is it that this foxy Mark Elf boy is keeping his busy little finger in all of these pies, helping out the needy and the suffering all over that little globe? Wow! Elders should know about the competition then.

Nah, false alarm. It seems that the little dreck is one of them Anti-Zionist busybodies. It is all that simple, I have just looked at that handy manual GideonSwart put together, and everything became clear. This is your typical SSJ (Self-Serving Jew) with all the trimmings. A bit more stinky than the usual garden variety, but definitely one of the more evolved models the Elders' Q6 department is putting out lately. So, a colleague after all. False alarm.

There are a few bugs in his makeup, though, that I would have to discuss with Q6 designers. Namely:

  • What kinda name is Mark Elf? Is he some kind of a shy Jew who made himself over into Mak Elf from Moishe Lefkowitz? Not good for propaganda and confuses the Russians.
  • And why is Moishe Lefkowitz posting under a moniker Levixxx? Is he aspiring to a more active role in the Elders' hierarchy, that paskudnyak? Doesn't he know that Levi... is strictly reserved for the field operatives and not for some make-believe entry level ZioBots?
  • What is that huge boner he developed for our dear (non-Jewish) volunteer Nick Cohen? He is at least five or six levels lower in the Elders' hierarchy than Nick, and should know his place by now, that little fart.
  • And that Baruch Spinoza bullshit - he seems to be too paranoid for his current assignment. It is not his business to outguess what his elder Elders are doing and what for.

Anyway, this model seems to work quite well, but should be fine tuned (a field technicians team is indicated) to function better. It could be that all that British dampness got to his wiring...

P.S. Being of a hot temper myself, I have used some terms (paskudnyak, varmint, dreck, etc.) that are applicable only to our serious enemies and to some members of substance in the Elders' outfit. In this case, methinks, only the "little fart" should be applicable. Let him prove yet that he merits "dreck", not to mention "paskudnyak", which is reserved for some special people.

P.P.S. Hattip to Hulkagaard for letting us know that Moishe Lefkowitz is farting in our general direction. Good move, Hulky! We promise to kill you quickly.

08 November 2005

And we love you too

A pair of shayner Yids, here. (the other Elders, particularly the younger Elder may think different, but what do they know, the putzes?)

Two decades of travel across Israel-Palestine, and years of intense reporting and debate on the conflict, have not shaken my belief in the view set out by Oz in that chapter. He declares that the Jews are a nation; that theirs is a living culture not a museum piece; that they have, therefore, the right to self-determination; that the Palestinians have the same right and therefore the only just solution is to share the land, creating two states side by side. Since then I have read a thousand contrary opinions, from both sides - but none has ever succeeded in refuting Oz's fundamental logic