31 January 2006


"Feh!" is an equivalent of "Yuck", "Duh!", "Argh" and other similar exclamations usually uttered by people who suddenly encounter something stomach-turning. Usually used by experts in Yiddish and has a thousand different shades.

In this case it is uttered in the general direction of the Guardian's own Stalinist and comment editor Seamus Milne, who generously allotted quite a space to Hamas' own Khalid Mish'al who is designated by Guardian/Milne as "head of the political bureau of Hamas" (our security people know that politics are just a hobby for that character who deals mainly with orchestrating new terrorist acts).

Anyhow, it is worth to read in its entirety the essay by Scott Burgess of The Daily Ablution who dissects in his usual cool and superb fashion the whole subject. The victim may not even feel Scott's scalpel... at the beginning.

An interesting detail - there is an e-mail address for Mr. Mish'al, so if you want to...
It is hoood88@hotmail.com (a telling choice, ain't it?).

About the dangers of drinking

It appears that the numerous diseases, driving accidents, violent behavior and other widely discussed consequences of excessive alcohol consumption are only a tip of an iceberg. A new risk factor was reported:

"Boozing hubbies face wives' slippers"

Men caught boozing by their wives in an Indian village now face being slapped across the face by their wives' slippers.

Any married man discovered drinking will be hauled up before village elders* and slapped five times with his wife's leather slipper in front of local residents.

I, personally, consider quitting for good - my old lady favors sabot.

(*) Should in no way be associated with the Elders. The Elders are not that cruel.

30 January 2006

Zahar: Israel must change its flag

This hilarious news item just made my day.

'The several conditions Zahar named included a demand that Israel change its flag. "Israel must remove the two blue stripes from its national flag," said Zahar. "The stripes on the flag are symbols of occupation. They signify Israel's borders stretching from the Euphrates River to the Nile River."'

First of all, dear Mr. Zahar, the Elders have already debunked that anti-Semitic myth about the blue stripes signifying some measly Euphrates and Nile. In reality it is Pacific and Atlantic oceans, so here.

And we like our flag as it is. If you need a reminder, here it comes:

And if you cannot take a hint, here is a stronger one:

I hope that it resolves any possible misunderstanding. Right?

Update: By request from a young, but talented Elder, a special version of the flag was urgently designed - especially for Mr.

This flag will become an official ensign of SimplyJews in honor of Mr. Zahar.

Kudos to Irina for the proposal and thanks to A.M. for the design.

29 January 2006

So what do we think about Hamas' victory?

Aha! - you thought. Now, after all these months, SimplyJews will start yakking about politics, peace and all that stuff and provide you their political platform.

No way!

While we are not averse to occasional yakking about all of the above, we try to do it on other's blogs - this way these others get all the pain in the neck, while we continue our trouble-free virtual, cynically-satirical existence.

However, a blog that does not relate to the Hamas, Fatah and all this shit these days, is considered to be, how to say it - politically retarded. To pay our dues and get out of this situation, I have found a blog-saving formula. Instead of kvetching myself on the subject, I am offering our faithful readers (all 12.5 of them - on average) a complete, irrevocable and eternal view on that thorny subject. All this courtesy of Akaky Bashmachkin of The Passing Parade, who thought he is just leaving a comment. In fact this comment appeared to be a complete guide to the whole shitty business. Here it comes, and thanks to Akaky.

So let me get this straight: people are annoyed that the party that wants to destroy Israel won the elections against the other party that wants to destroy Israel, but won't actually come out and say so at the moment. Since everyone knew that the governing party that wants to destroy Israel but wont come out and say so really does want to destroy Israel whether they say so or not, why is everyone so concerned that the party that wants to destroy Israel won the election, since by definition both of the parties involved want to destroy Israel, except that the second party that wants to destroy Israel finds it politic at the moment not to mention that they want to destroy Israel just as much as the other party that wants to destroy Israel but has no qualms about bringing up the fact that they want to destroy Israel, unlike the party that wants to destroy Israel but doesn't want to come out and say that they want to destroy Israel. There is a theme here, isn't there, or have I missed something along the way?

No, Akaky - you have not missed anything, and many thanks.

How racist you are?

Don't fake innocence here on this blog, please. You cannot be all that lilly white, you and I know that.

Regardless - go there and take a test, it will learn you not to be a hypocrite.

And if you survive, come back to tell all.

Hat tip to Sandmonkey.

Peace between Israel and Iran?

Believe it or not, this is not a feverish drug-induced dream. We can prove that some senior members of Iranian elite keep the communication channels with the Elders open.

Consider the following sequence of events:

Thursday, January 26: Iran's Interior Minister Mostafa Pourmohammadi blames the Zionists, US and UK in the recent crashes of two military planes in Iran.

Friday, January 27: SimplyJews publish their own, detailed to the smallest item, explanation of the real force behind the above mentioned crashes.

Sunday January 29: Prosecutor General Qorban-Ali Dorri Najafabadi dismissed here Saturday reports that the recent crash of a C-130 military plane in Iran was the result of electronic jamming by foreign states including the Zionist regime of Israel.

See what we mean? And we swear that there was no subliminal or any other manipulation of Mr.
Najafabadi's brain via our brain-control rays. The best proof is this picture: you can rest assured that this team does not work on Shabbes!

Of course,
Mr. Najafabadi added that 'perpetrating such "stupid" acts would benefit no countries, adding however that the Zionist regime of Israel can definitely not be called a "state."' But we don't mind, it is just a figure of speech that is supposed to endear him to this or that Ayatollah.

Bottom line: we, the Elders, proudly credit ourselves with another achievement in re-establishing rapport between Iran and Israel. (The account number xxxxxxxxxxxx of UN will be debited accordingly to the tune of $2,879,109.36. Charge item: Peace Activities - Miscellaneous. )

28 January 2006

The blame game

It seems that in their pre-election fever, some local politicos are going over the top with "I told you so" regarding Hamas' victory. Blame somebody, just somebody, but preferably, of course, not in my bailiwick - seems to be the name of the game. Both the right and left wings of Israeli politics suddenly got something to gripe about.

"This has to be a day of soul-searching because the writing was on the wall. The policy of giving land for free gave a prize to terror and a winning card to Hamas.", says Bibi Netanyahu, conveniently forgetting that he sat, comfortably glued to his government chair for the whole period, save the last two weeks, when disengagement from Gaza was being planned and executed.

National Union Chairman Zvi Hendel issued a statement saying that Hamas won because it showed the Palestinians that terror was the only way to "defeat and expel Israel."Hendel and Orlev said that they hoped that their parties would enjoy renewed interest among the Israeli public in light of Hamas's victory.

You bet, gentlemen - the voters are already queuing to express their "renewed interest".

"We have no intention of allowing negotiations to take place, or allowing a third party to force us to recognize an organization that openly seeks to destroy Israel," Peretz said.

Sure - the time come to show some concern with security, too.

Meretz leader Yossi Beilin argued that the unilateral withdrawal from Gaza strengthened Hamas by undermining the Palestinian Authority. Beilin, however, pushed for the Israeli government to push for a peace agreement while it could still negotiate with moderate Palestinian politicians.

Just imagine - Yossi agreeing with Bibi on more than the price of the Knesset cafeteria's coffee! Well, they have one other thing in common - both their parties are currently in some serious dreck.

Bibi's hypocrisy, of course, is unmatchable, but the angle displayed by the following just takes the cake:

"Red-faced IDF misread the 'street'" - screams Yaakov Katz from JP. It seems that he assigned IDF to be the main pollster of Palestinian street. How about yourself, Yaakov?

So the above prize goes to Yaakov Katz.

27 January 2006

Voting for SimplyJews - reminder

It is January 27th - another opportunity to vote and to show your loyalty.

Now, here it is - go and do your duty.

And mind what Israellycool said about that whole messy JIB business:

What I ask though, is that you encourage them to not just visit the site and vote for you, but to visit the site, look at the wide range of blogs in all categories, visit the ones that seem appealing - and then vote for you.

What you do is what he says - but in reverse order. OK?

A side remark

Why is it that each time a person says something like "I dialogue with Jews and Israelis ALL the time. My best friend is a former Israeli.", all my hackles rise automatically?

Cause I am invariably right, and that person starts quoting Gilad Atzmon, Paul Eisen and Robert Fisk at me before I have time to say Shma Israel...

Am I right, thecutter?

Update: 28.01.06

thecutter left a priceless remark down there in the remarks that I am sure is worth publishing here to demonstrate the unique thought process of this lady:

"I have nothing against Jews. Just most Israelis, because with their words and actions, they demonstrate that they have no problems justifying ethnic cleaning of another population. In fact, it's more than justifiable, it's a duty."

I know I went overboard a bit calling it a thought process, but one wants to be chivalrous...

Intelligence agents my foot!

TEHRAN - Iran said Thursday it had information that the United States, Britain and Israel had a role in two deadly military plane crashes in the last two months.

"The information we have says that the U.S, Britain and Israel's intelligence agents intended to create insecurity in Iran," Interior Minister Mostafa Pourmohammadi told reporters on the sidelines of a police seminar. "Even my evaluation says that the crash of our C-130 and Falcon planes was done by their design, or maybe electronic interference."

A good try, Mostafa, but no cigar. We, the Elders, do not need no United States, Britain or Israel to make a measly plane or two crash. Electronics - shmelectronics!
Take a look at that picture :

You can see our crack team of mind control experts concentrating on a target, such as these hapless
pilots on the other side of the world. Today all the equipment they need is a miniature amplifier they keep in these fur hats. Simple, reliable, made in Malaysia. A few years ago it required a huge structure. The place known to the goyim as Stonehenge is one of the examples of such an installation. We have decided to save ourselves the schlepping involved and just left it there to confuse the Russians.

So make sure that your pilot wears an Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie (AFDB) like the one in this picture:

Mind though, the beanie will not prevent our mind control team from crashing your plane, but at least you will be able to have some fun with the pilot.


Take a good look

Haaretz publishes today a closer look at some of the Hamas characters. Take a look at this Troika:

A few quotes from the CVs of each one:

Ismail Haniyeh. He had served as bureau chief for Sheikh Ahmed Yassin, Hamas' founder.

Doesn't Yassin have a need of a bureau chief where he is?

Dr. Mahmoud Zahar. He has been the target of two Israeli assassination attempts...

Maybe it is third time lucky, eh?

Mohammed Abu Tir. He was released from an Israeli jail six months ago after having served 22 years...

What kind of a number is 22? Why not come back for a round 50? After all, that Technicolor beard surely made him one of the most popular cellmates.

That unrewarding task...

Somebody named David has taken up that dirty and outright dangerous for one's mental health job of fighting the so called "anti-Zionist" Jews, such as Jews Without Brains (sorry, it is Frontieres), Tony Greenstein and others. There is a new blog called Banned by Elf, visit it, it is nice there!

We wish you good luck, David, and come to us for R&R when you get exhausted. We think you have got your work cut out for you.

The bird above is the best illustration of what I think about Elf and company. This bird - wood grouse - is known to Russians as "glukhar" (the deaf one). During the mating period the males of the species get so focused on their target that they do not hear approaching footsteps or anything else for that matter.

Stupid, you would say - but so is Elf.

26 January 2006

Israel in shock over Hamas victory

Says Aljazeera.net, adding:

Israel is in shock over the likely Palestinian electoral victory of the Islamist group Hamas, which has killed hundreds of Israelis and advocates the destruction of the Jewish state.

Er... How to put it gently: the answer is - you got it wrong, people. We ain't shocked.

But we still don't want to pay for watching the coming Mondial on the telly. Shocking idea.

Galloway evicted from TV show after surviving libel appeal

Says CNN, quoting the kitty-cat MP:

"If I have half-impressed half the people, that would be a very good gain."

Which calls for a weekend riddle: fill in the missing word in that sentence:

Galloway half-impressed half the people by his ....... wit.

Prizes galore!

25 January 2006

Hamas: to remove that shadow of a doubt

Hamas said it plans to retain its weapons and its commitment to the destruction of Israel after Wednesday's Palestinian Legislative Countil election, in which it slated to win seats for the first time.

"The Europeans and the Americans are telling Hamas to choose between arms and parliament. We say we will go for arms and parliament and there is no contradiction between the two of them," said Ismail Haniyah, a senior Hamas leader in Gaza.

Right - so there is no contradiction between our willingness to compromise and make peace and that tiny drone putting a puny missile in your arse, dear.

After casting his vote in the Gaza Strip on Wednesday morning, Hamas leader Mahmoud al-Zahar said the group "will not change a single word in its covenant" calling for the destruction of Israel.

Thanks for making it clear. Again.

Israel Needs A Ronald Reagan

Says the headline of January 22 post by Michael Freund in his "Fundamentally Freund" blog, published under the umbrella of Arutz 7.

I wasn't surprised by the headline, since in some e-mails to my friends I start a sentence in the Subject line and continue it in the body of the mail itself. For example:

Subject: Have you

seen the latest post by Michael Freund? My mind is boggled.

So I have fully expected that the continuation of that headline "Israel Needs A Ronald Reagan" would be something like one of the following:

1. like it needs a pain in the neck

2. like it needs a swift kick in the backside

3. like it needs a bout of cholyera (Yiddish here)

Enough, I think you get the general drift.

Unfortunately, it seems that Freund, probably being interrupted after writing the first part of the headline, forgot to continue it in the body of the message. Too bad.

24 January 2006

Voting for SimplyJews - new marching orders

It appears that the link posted in the previous message on the subject was wrong.
Thanks to the wily editors of the JP on-line edition.

Now, here it is - go and do your duty.

David Hirsh and Jon Pike in Haaretz

Two Engage founders put an article in Haaretz, worth reading in its entirety. To whet your appetite:

The term, Zionist, has become a term of abuse that denotes an evil and racist ideology. It is thrown venomously at anyone who thinks Israel has the right to exist. The collapsing of Israeli and Jewish opinion into Zionism holds Israelis and Jews collectively responsible for the worst excesses of Israeli nationalists. Some people reserve particular venom for the crimes of "the Zionists" that they do not use when talking about other crimes. The genocide in Darfur is currently intensifying and is an incomparably bigger event in terms of human rights abuses than the conflict in the West Bank, but the actions of the Janjaweed do not make the blood of the average British liberal boil in the way that the crimes of "the Zionists" do.

They are right on many other points, too. It is also worth to page through the remarks there, some of them are very enlightening.

Want a minister in your knickers?

According to Ananova, Uzbek government is showing an unseemly interest in the nether regions that were considered, up to now, part of people's private domain.

Fur-lined underwear has been banned in Uzbekistan after authorities deemed it too sexy.

Sales of the furry slips have rocketed in temperatures that have hit the region of below minus 20C.

But the government has now banned the lingerie saying they want to protect citizens from "unbridled fantasies" caused by wearing the soft fabric.

I wonder what kind of "unbridled fantasies" that specific underwear could cause? Any guesses?

P.S. There are no pictures on the Internet, unfortunately. Or fortunately...

Bribing the voters

As you have guessed, it is not about Palestinian, Israeli or any other elections but the one that starts today (probably according to some mysterious clock in the middle of Atlantic) in JIB Awards here. I have decided not to use my cats' pictures as a bribe, since it is an overused method. So it is a joke today, courtesy of that place.

"I had the strangest dream last night," a young man was telling his female Jewish psychologist. "I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing. In fact, I woke up immediately and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come. Then I got up, had a piece
of toast and a cup of coffee, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."

The psychologist was quiet for a full minute then said: "A piece of toast? You call that a breakfast?"

23 January 2006


This is a very catchy disease, I have to admit. Thanks, Jack. I went there indeed, typed my name and clicked as prescribed. I have decided to be more selective, and here are some results:

  • is hoping to avoid suspension
  • is sexy man
  • is off the hook
  • is buried
  • is 13 years old and lives in china lives in the community of shang ding hu
  • is usually a woman
  • is in denial cos he says he hates monkeys but is a monkey himself
  • is well known for his ability to treat difficult diseases including some terminal cases
  • is the perfect man
  • is a pawn in a residency system
  • is a charming and shiftless womanizer and mok man
  • is an adventurous boy
  • is about average height for a vargr
  • is able to quickly and easily write his sermons and books no matter where he is
  • is sexy man
  • is off the hook
If She Who Must Be Obeyed reads this, you are in for a big legal and financial trouble, Jack!

And what is "mok man"? Or vargr? Not to speak about shang ding hu...

Danish T-Shirts to Fund Terror

From Solomon's post on the subject:

A Danish fashion firm is to sell T-shirts inspired by rebel fighters, with proceeds to go to militant groups.

To prevent the mighty row from spreading, the Elders offer a compromise: for each Euro donated to the terrorists the fashion firm will donate a Euro to the respective governments to purchase bullets or other ammo to rub the terrorists in question out.

Voting tomorrow - reminder.

We know for sure that you do not want to experience firsthand the wrath of the Elders. Thus, starting tomorrow (unless there are places where tomorrow has already started), go to this site, choose SimplyJews and press the "Vote" button.

Remember, we are watching!

The voting will be enabled once each 3 days, meaning Jan 24, 27, 30 and Feb 2. Don't worry, we'll remind you !

Turkey drops case against Orhan Pamuk


And, dear Turks, you know that there was an Armenian Holocaust.

22 January 2006

Say it again, please?

IRNA came up with another gem today:

"Visiting Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said here Friday evening that Lebanese unity was the major reason for the failure of global arrogance to normalize the Zionist regime's position in the region and eventually led to their departure."

Moshe from the Eastern Languages dept came up with a brilliant idea - to translate the above into Farsi and then back. People from Signals insisted it must be some devilishly crafted code to the Iranian mole in Ankara. The discussion turned into a catfight, as a result Moshe requested an unpaid leave for health reasons. Denied.

We, in the Hasbara, think that the translator (at the back of the above picture) is a latent Zionist, trying to throw a wrench in the works.

Peace in the Middle East

Karim of One Arab World found a recipe for peace that, in our opinion, might really work after a short period of vigorous implementation.

We suspect that some of the religious elements in the area may be initially averse to the method, but we are sure that a hands-on training course could win them eventually.

Good job, Karim!

Hat tip to SandMonkey.

Is that what men have to go through?

One of the Observer articles the Elders have no problem to cheer! The opposite is true - it heralds the first (arguably) time a woman got to the murky depths of our psyche. And she reports it exactly the way it is.

"Far from finding life easier as a man, Vincent ended up concluding that men have it tough."

Oh boy, finally we see an acceptance of our woes!

"They battle aggression and stereotyping and are forced to suppress emotions."

Most of the Elders, tough, battle-scarred veterans were seen to run for their offices after reading this line, and the reported quantity of used tissue was real frightening.

"She quickly came up against the ugly side of male life. Her colleagues made sexist comments, discussed in graphic terms what they would like to do to women who walked by and went to strip clubs."

Like we want to. Surely you must understand that we are just playing up to that stereotype.

"She concludes that the bravado hides suppressed emotion."

See - she got it all in one short sentence.

"Strip clubs are places of sadness and loneliness and she feels 'a profound pity' for the men."

Aha! Finally I am vindicated. You just wait till I show the above to my spouse. Don't I keep telling her exactly the same? And do I get a pinch of understanding?

"She was also shocked by the women she dated. 'I listened to them talk literally for hours about the most minute, mind-numbing details of their personal lives. Listening to them was like undergoing a slow frontal lobotomy.'

Oh man... Obviously we cannot comment on that one, but our silence should speak volumes...

"It may be a man's world but Vincent is pleased to be a woman. 'I am staying right where I am: fortunate, proud, free and glad in every way to be a woman,' is the book's final sentence."

You bet!

Dear Ms. Vincent, our darling Norah,

We, the Elders, are putting all our considerable influence to support and protect you. In case you get mobbed by enraged feminists, be sure we will be nearby with our black helicopters, nerve gas and all that other stuff.

On the other hand, maybe I should talk it over with the spouse first. Oy vey...


A good one from The Big Pharaoh. Enjoy.

Bitten in the same place twice?

The Saved Sect ("This website is primarily aimed at the Muslim community living in the West, and seeks to refute misconceptions about Islam which have arisen due to the evil works of the non-practicing Muslims (also known as the "moderates") and the disbelievers, by only referring to the understanding of the Saved Sect (the Messenger Muhammad [SAW] and his Companions).") performed a mighty broadside in the general direction of George Galloway.

Recently, Allah (SWT) has disgraced these so-called Muslims and the one they have associated with Allah, George Galloway, by causing him to appear on a reality TV show "Celebrity Big Brother". Shows such as this contain all the corruption Allah (SWT) has forbidden, such as free-mixing, fornication, drinking, nudity, swearing and many other abominable acts. These kinds of programmes attract only the lowest of the low who desperately seek recognition and fame by any means possible. They are people who have no honour, respect or dignity and can only be described as animals. George Galloway will certainly have no trouble fitting in as he has all the criteria the show is looking for. Just recently, the media has shown George Galloway at his best – behaving like a cat (animal) purring at the hands of a woman. This is not surprising as one cannot expect anything more from a person of such low intellect and morality, a representative of those who voted for him.

It is not that we, the Elders, are especially pious, but there is more than just a grain of truth in the above, dontcha think?

Add the Saved people:

One would have thought, after so many years, these so-called Muslims would have taken heed from the hadeeth of the Messenger Muhammad (SAW) which states, "The believer is not bitten in the same place twice." After voting for Labour and Conservatives, believing in their false promises and lies, and being bitten in the same place every election year, these so-called Muslims have been bitten once again by voting for a new party, Respect, and its leader George Galloway.

We can only imagine the difficulties with simply sitting on a chair after these two bites...

No, really!


21 January 2006

Assad accuses Israel of assassinating Arafat

From Haaretz:

DAMASCUS - Syrian President Bashar Assad accused Israel on Saturday of assassinating former Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat, the cause of whose death 14 months ago remains a mystery. "Of the many assassinations that Israel carried out in a methodical and organized way, the most dangerous thing that Israel did was the assassination of President Yasser Arafat," Assad told a gathering of Arab lawyers.

I think it is time to confess. Now that the Elders are not hiding anymore under all kinds of guises, such as UN, ZOG, ISM, Peace Corps or Foreign Legion, we can talk openly about everything. Anyway, I am not in the field anymore, being just another scribe in the Hasbara.

I shall never forget that Caribbean night on Trinidad, full of exotic smells of the local flora, strange shrilly cries of the local fauna and the fiery embrace of Ulla (our local resident, her real name is Sarah).

The climb over a 3 meter wall was a piece of cake, as was the lock to the mansion. I vividly remember the two Rottweilers who silently appeared from the shadows, already salivating at an easy kill. Two poisoned darts put paid to their salivating.

The old man was deeply asleep, his snoring echoing in the corridor. There was really nothing to it, and his throat crunched under the relentless pressure of my bionic arm, developed by Mossad especially for this mission.

What did you say? Paris? In a coma? Suha near the bed?

Hmm... I have to look that date up in my diary, then...

"A Bombing in Tel Aviv Stuns a Distant Arab Family"

Boker Tov, Boulder reflects on a strange way New York Times - the beacon of free journalism and freedom of press - found to tell the story about the Toilet Bomber that blew himself up in the restroom of a shawarma place in Tel Aviv, wounding 30 people.

Such sympathy, indeed, from an American media outlet - when you read these lines, so full of feeling, you get an impression NYT lost a family member.

Sami's brother Samer came out, his eyes red, to tell journalists that the family would not speak of what had happened, and said, "This is an honor, not just to the family of Antar, but to the whole neighborhood."

In a related piece, Boker Tov discovers a new title AP found for Osama Bin Laden. It appears now that the new, politically correct way to call Osama is "dissident". Do you understand it? Like, for instance, Nelson Mandella, Lech Walesa, Andrei Sakharov and many others whose names, actually, it is quite inappropriate to mention in the same space as that of the mass murderer.

AP forgot to mention other titles of OBL - after all he got an MBA and a degree in civil engineering, so please add the necessary abbreviations next time, folks!

Allah told me so

Abu Hamza's defence hard at work:

“It is said he was preaching murder, but he was actually preaching from the Koran itself.”Mr Fitzgerald cited two verses of the book that Abu Hamza would rely on, among many others, as theological justification for the words that had led to him being charged. They were Chapter 2, verse 216 and Chapter 9, verse 111. He said that all the great monotheistic religions had scriptures that contained “the language of blood and retribution”.

Presumably this observation also has a theological justification (between lawyers and holy books what can't be justified?):

"Hitler was sent into the world'' because of their ``treachery, blasphemy and filth''...

He is not on trial, the lawyer - QC! Legal Aid! - reminds us, for describing England as a toilet. We all remember Paxman's interview with Hamza:

PAXMAN:If it's so detestable here, why don't you live somewhere else?
HAMZA:Well, I hope so, but I'm just as stuck as somebody who is stuck in a toilet and there is a mine field outside.

We all need good laugh every now and then: watch the interview - the video link is on the top right hand corner of the page:

20 January 2006

A third one!

It seems that there is some new virus in the air. The virus is not interfering with any function or organ in a human being but the brain. It causes some intensive hallucinations. It is not dissimilar with the effect a particularly strong weed or a small dose of LSD will have on one's behavior.

In short, we have barely had time to report on the Hebron Mayor mass killings theory and on that Saudi chap's nuclear killings discovery, and here is another one: according to the Iranian IRIB News, we are also trying to spread the bird flu in PA.

We, the Zionists, surely get around. Enjoy.

Hat tip - Engage.

A smashing scoop from Saudi Arabia

We have just had a dubious pleasure to quote the Hon. Mayor of Hebron announcing the mass killings of Arab population of Hebron by these 300 pesky settlers.

The Religious Policeman is bringing an even bigger news: it appears that these bloodthirsty Jooz are not satisfied with the simple mass killings - they use nuclear weaponry on the stone throwing children!

Since some Muslim press has already dubbed The Religious Policeman a Mossad agent and whatnot, we have decided to take a look by ourselves, and here it is, indeed:

When you think about the whole situation, USA wants to put itself in every single detail about the world, said Manee Al-Manee , a political analyst from Dammam. Israel is using nuclear weapons against children with stones. Why didn't they stop them from using it.

Well, we are starting to feel a bit jealous seeing these propaganda pearls. What between the Hebron mayor and the Saudis, our Hasbara department may become obsolete quite soon, and then what? We are too old, fat and lazy for real field assignments...

Anyway, there is nothing more to say but to quote the advice The Religious Policeman gives to the author of the scoop:

Rule 1: Don't smoke stuff. Rule 2: If you do smoke stuff, don't write anything, just stare into the distance with a silly smile and wait for it to wear off.

Nuno's mother ill

Nuno Guerrera, author of the magic blog Rua da Judiaria posted some bad news. His mother, Marianna Nunes, is in a hospital, and he asks us to pray for her speedy recovery. Follows his original post in Hebrew.

אמי חולה מאוד ונמצאת בבית החולים. אבקשכם להתפלל עמי עבור החלמתה המהירה.
שמה מריאנה נונש (בעברית, מרים בת יוסף ואלזירה).
אני מודה לכם ומקווה ומאמין שאלוהים ישמע לתפילותינו.

Nuno, please forward our best wishes, and quick recovery to your mother.

Hamas £100k image makeover

According to Guardian, Hamas has decided to put some real money in PR. No more "Kill the Jew!", no more burning buses - a new, politically correct Hamas instead!

Hamas is paying a spin doctor $180,000 (£100,000) to persuade Europeans and Americans that it is not a group of religious fanatics who relish suicide bombings and hate Jews.

"Hamas has an image problem. The Israelis were able to create a very bad image of the Palestinians in general and particularly Muslims and Hamas. My contract is to project the right image," said Mr Aqtash, who also teaches media at Birzeit University in Ramallah."

There is some truth in Mr Aqtash words. Our intense dislike of being blown up has something to do with the bad image Hams acquired in all these years of suicide bombing. Being Jews, we have a strong guilt feeling about it. To make up to Hamas for this long lasting enmity, here is a free advice.

The world is used to this image of a suicide bomber:

After consulting with some leading fashion and cosmetics companies, the Elders came up with a NuLookBomber image that should solve all this controversy and allow Hamas to be accepted in the fellowship of the free and enlightened:

You see how easy it is? And once it is done, you could dispense with all these ideas Mr. Aqtash is pushing:

· Saying you are not against Israelis as Jews - who knows the difference anyway?

· Don't talk about destroying Israel - you can continue now

· Do talk about Palestinian suffering - once you go back on the above, this is not needed

· Don't celebrate killing people - go ahead and dance in the streets

· Change beard colour (if red) - just the opposite - that orange beard is real PR

Just think how much PR money Elders saved you in a jiffy. You would be able to buy a thousand NuLook explosive belts now for all these new Barbies!

Hey, what took you so long?

The body in question is still warm. Even breathing. The doctors are still running around doing their stuff. However, the moonbats are already out with their sharp teeth and claws.

According to Haaretz, "The Ometz group of citizens for judicial and social justice called on Attorney General Menachem Mazuz on Thursday to establish an investigative committee to review the medical treatment given to Prime Minister Ariel Sharon. "

That, by itself, is not surprising, as a matter of fact I have expected this development for a while. The only question that remains: who will be blamed for the "murder": Mossad, Shin Bet, ultra-right or ultra-left?

19 January 2006

France's Chirac Warns of Nuclear Response

From ABC News:

President Jacques Chirac warned Thursday that France could respond with nuclear weapons against any state-sponsored terrorist attack, broadening the terms of French deterrence to adapt to new threats.

"Leaders of states who would use terrorist means against us, just like anyone who would envisage using, in one way or another, arms of mass destruction, must understand that they would expose themselves to a firm and fitting response from us," he said. "This response could be conventional. It could also be of another nature."

Now, dear readers, you have a riddle to get you occupied for the duration: what did Uncle Jacques mean?

Time for our universal sign of confusion:

Your answers down there where it says: "Comments", please.

Get well soon, Haleigh Poutre

Haleigh Poutre, the girl in the picture, is fighting for her life in a hospital bed.

Doctors say new tests are needed on a severely beaten 11-year-old girl, who officials said was responding to medical stimuli and breathing on her own a day after Massachusetts' highest court ruled the state had the authority to remove her from life support. The girl has been in a coma for four months and thought to be in an irreversible vegetative state.

It is not a unique story. Many people, both young and old, get severely beaten or just sick and lie comatose on their beds. Some of them die, some of them survive. In case of Haleigh, all but one person have surrendered and agreed that there is no sense to continue the waiting.

And here is the rub - the only person who fought for continuing treatment and life support for Haleigh is her stepfather - the same scumbag who beaten her to near death.

Haleigh's stepfather, Jason Strickland, is charged with beating the girl and could face a murder charge if she dies. He has fought to keep her on life support but lost his appeal Tuesday in the Supreme Judicial Court, Massachusetts' highest court.

Sometimes one wishes for some of that good old frontier justice.

Anyway, get better soon Haleigh, and let's hope that this vermin gets his justice in jail - this way or the other.

Palestinians accuse Israelis of carrying out mass killing

This is the headline of the insidious IRNA article.

Palestinian officials in the southern West Bank town of Hebron have accused messianic Jewish settlers of carrying out a systematic mass killing against "helpless Palestinian citizens" for the purpose of driving them away from the city's ancient quarter.

The charges came in the aftermath of several days of riots by settlers protesting an Israeli court order to evacuate them from an erstwhile wholesale vegetable market leased by Palestinians since the Jordanian era.

During the riots several Arab shops and property were set on fire.

According to Israeli army sources, the settlers also attacked Palestinian homes with stones and sharp objects.

Mass killings. With stones and sharp objects, indeed. Mass graves are being prepared as we speak...

"The declared goal of these thugs is to ethnically cleanse Hebron of non-Jews..." said Arif Ja'abari, the governor of Hebron.

He added that half a million Palestinians, the population of the Hebron district, were hostage to the whims of some 300 messianic settlers who believe that non-Jews living in a Jewish state must be expelled, enslaved or exterminated.

How exactly these 300 settlers are supposed to "ethnically cleanse" half a million Palestinians is not explained.

It is not enough that the IDF and police have to deal with these 300 mad buggers, another mad bugger adds fuel to the conflagration and yet another mad government media outlet cannot get enough of his drivel.

What a difference a word makes

A headline in today's online edition of Guardian had me confounded:

Victims of false paedophilia? It must be something revolutionary, I thought, afraid to death to open the article. Must be some smasher of a new perversion. Then I got hold of my shaking mouse, and clicked:

Victims of false paedophilia case tell French MPs of ruined lives

Oh boy...

Better late than never

While the details of the latest missile strike on the Pakistani village become clearer as the smokescreen of outrage disperses, it seems that the results of the strike were not bad at all.

BBC reports, a bit confusingly:

Three al-Qaeda members 'killed'

Three al-Qaeda members were among those killed by a US missile strike last week in Pakistan, security officials say.

Among them was Midhat Mursi, an explosives expert who had a $5m reward offered for his capture.

Reports from Pakistan intelligence sources say that the other two al-Qaeda members killed in the attack were Abdul Rehman al-Misri al-Maghribi, Zawahiri's son-in-law, and Abu Obaidah al-Misri, al-Qaeda's head of operations in Kunar province, just over the border in eastern Afghanistan.

Then, strangely, the BBC report continues:

A fourth al-Qaeda member reportedly killed by the strike has not yet been identified.

Most probably, the reporter on that specific gig has not consulted the science branch of BBC. I have counted twice and got 4 (four) Al Qaeda "folks" killed. Hmm...

Anyway, three or four - it is quite a few eggs on quite a few faces. Now please proceed with the outrage, do not let such minor details to bother you.

18 January 2006

Welcome to the madhouse, Sanity Inspector

Another newbie on the block! Give the guy a big hand, he looks good!

Hat tip to Andrew Ian Dodge.

Update: the Sanity Inspector is not exactly a newbie, it appears. Compared to this here Elders' mouthpiece, he is a veteran... Apologies offered where due.


Our friends from Discarded lies got wise to Abu Hamza "The Hook" having an issue with dancing. One can understand the famous cleric's point, after all what is the sole purpose of this activity?

Which reminds me that Judaism also doesn't look kindly on dancing. There is that old story about a couple (C) visiting their rabbi (R) the day before the chupa (wedding) and consulting with him on the technicalities of the wedding and lovemaking.

C - Dear Rabbi, don't you think that on that wedding day we could dance - after all, we will be already married? Practically a husband a wife, we mean.
R - No, my children: dancing of man and woman is strictly forbidden.
C - But maybe just once?
R - No way, it is a gravest sin!
C - OK, OK... Now regarding that night after: how exactly should we make love, Rebe? Is it fine for the man to be on top?
R - Sure, go ahead and be blessed.
C - And is it OK for the woman to get on top?
R - Sure, why not.
C - And how about, you know, doggy style?
R - Excellent, no problems whatsoever.
C - And what do you say if we do it standing?
R - Absolutely and totally forbidden. It may lead, G-d forbid, to dancing!

A tough choice?

To support some of my fellow cat lovers in their moments of low spirit:

For me it would have been an easy choice...

Just a few headers

A few headers from todays on-line edition of Times Online:

They're trying to break into jail as city heads for -40C

A vagrant tried being drunk and disorderly, even assaulting a friend to get inside a Moscow police cell as temperatures reach their lowest in 50 years

O'Henry revisited in Russian adaptation?

Weather delays first mission to Pluto

It took 17 years to plan, so it came as little surprise when lift-off of the first mission to Pluto was delayed by poor weather

Maybe it is not too late to get a ticket? Nah, it's colder there than even in Moscow.

Cartoonist makes a mug of hapless bicycle thief

WHEN a retired cartoonist disturbed a burglar on his property he knew that he would come off second best in a fight with the intruder. So, proving that the pen can be mightier than the sword, he sketched the would-be burglar. Within half an hour a police patrol in Melbourne, Australia, armed with the cartoon had arrested the suspect.

How many times people should be told about the importance of leaving no witnesses?

The hostage no one knew was missing

Phil Sands, of the Dubai-based newspaper Emirates Today, was rescued on New Year’s Eve after being held for five days on the outskirts of Baghdad. He had not been reported missing and his family was unaware of his plight.

Are there any live readers of Emirates Today anyway? No matter, the pay must be fabulous.

Marine caught after 36 years AWOL

A US Marine who went AWOL when he learnt of the My Lai massacre in Vietnam has been arrested as a deserter in Texas after 36 years on the run.

Some marathon!

Israeli leader speaks as dove and hawk

But while sending out moderate signals Mr Olmert also sounded a menacing note on Iran...

Could this be a sign of the avian flu onset?

Go and tell your story

That new beautiful icon on the right side of our blog is by Tova from Journey of a Gera.

Click on it - it will lead you to a place where you can tell your personal stories, and they better be good.

And the rose above is for Tova.

17 January 2006

Testing fashionable and sexy lingerie

Thanks to Meryl for the tips.

Long Live the Youth of Israel!

No, I do not have a problem with the title of this article by David Wilder, a spokesman for the Jewish community of Hevron. It is just that the article itself is so full of crap that TBIFOC could use it for a year of refills.

Many journalists asked: How can you put up with such 'violent hooligans,' in their words. The answer is very simple. These youth are neither hoodlums or hooligans. Rather, they are some of the most ideologically motivated people in Israel today.

Aha, now it is clear. Ideologists in ski masks. Throwing stones is probably the best way to make your ideology clear. In other words - violent hooligans, no matter how many other terms are applicable.

The road to hell is paved by ideologies and religions, dear Mr. Wilder. Your starry eyed ideologists are a mix of both, which makes them even more dangerous to our nation.

These kids are true lovers of their land, of Eretz Yisrael.

As opposite to the rest of us, that puny majority that considers that the Jews have nothing to do in Hebron, no matter how sacred the site is to all of us. So the hooligans are true lovers and we are... what? The haters, apparently, who provide these battalions to protect you around the clock, although most of us do not want you there.

These youngsters are still crying the pain of expulsion from Gush Katif and northern Samaria. Their hearts are still bleeding the wounds of our land being abandoned to our enemies. They hurt the hurt of thousands of homeless Jews, who committed no crime but to live in Gush Katif.

Let's cut the crap, Mr. Wilder. It was an over-televised, over-dramatised show, and it is over, so forget it. And let's call a hooligan a hooligan.

Compare and buy

Kavkaz center, the Chechen rebels' mouthpiece, proudly announces:

10 kafirs and munafiqs killed, wounded in Chechnya

According to France-Press source inside the pro-Moscow puppet administration over the 48-hour period of last Friday to Sunday 2 Russian kafirs were killed and 2 others were wounded in 10 attacks by Chechen Mujahideen on Russian positions.

One more Russian gangster has been eliminated during the mine explosion in Khankala base near to capital Jokhar. Other Russian kafir got wounded in that explosion.

Chechen Mujahideen have attacked Russian invaders who were going to Jokhar, have wounded three kafirs.

On the other hand, IRNA, Iran official news agency, grieves:

Palestinian resistance fighter murdered by Israeli army in West Bank

Israeli occupation troops on Tuesday murdered a Palestinian fighter affiliated with the Islamic resistance movement, Hamas, in the northern West Bank.

Palestinian sources said occupation soldiers surrounded a hide-out used by Thabit Ayyada, 24, in Tulkarm, killing him during a brief exchange of fire.

On one hand: kafirs, munafiqs, gangsters and invaders eliminated, on the other: a resistance fighter murdered.


What’s the meta-meaning?

Laurence "Lair" Simon of TBIFOC succeeded to confuse the crap out of Esther of Jewlicious.

What’s the meta-meaning? - she asks the public in general and Lair in particular.

Eh, well, meta-meaning of crap is, most probably, meta-crap. Crapola, obviously, will be the most fitting term.

All this does not mean that TBIFOC is not funny. Or that there is a lot of other, funnier, blogs in the Jewish Humor category of the JIB awards.

It is time to pull out our international symbol of confusion:

Do you grok it?

Paradise Now wins Golden Globe

Paradise Now, Palestinian director Hani Abu-Assad's film about suicide bombers, has been awarded the Golden Globe award for best foreign film.

The film tells the story of two teenagers who are enlisted for a suicide bombing mission in Israel. It beat out films from France, China and South Africa to win the award.

In Israel the film has not been purchased by any distributor and has only been shown at Cinemateques – with limited success.

(Are we too sated by the subject?)

16 January 2006

OK, I surrender

When somebody from a place like this comes to visit and, out of courtesy, I visit back, what can I say?

Oh, please, Mariano, I am way too old for that stuff...

Bibi - a U.S. senator from New Jersey?

Actually, the real header of the interesting (eh, well, so-so) article by Bradley Burston is "Israel the 51st state". Not a very original one, but presented in a way that is worth to check out. It paints, albeit roughly, the consequences of Israel joining the Union of States as number 51.

One sentence attracted me especially:

"We know that Benjamin Netanyahu was born to be a U.S. senator from New Jersey."

There is an addendum, though:

"Failing that, Israel could send him instead."

Now, there is no need to hurry. Let's take it step by step:

1. Israel joins US

2. Bibi goes to Senate as NJ representative.

3. Then we shall see.

Talk about two birds with one stone...

Iran Daily: "Martyrs Symphony Under Production"

From Judeopundit. With a priceless remark.

One wonders: would the members of the orchestra have to blow themselves up during the proceedings?

Top ten blogger lies


(Via SandMonkey)

More about science

An interesting scientific article came to the attention of our Eye courtesy of Mike Hartley.

"Sir, it has been proven scientifically that the trees and the stones have languages of their own."

The Elders' "ways and means" department was working real hard since the publication of this learned discourse. We are still getting mixed results from the stones, but we have succeeded to decipher the voice of the tree in the professor's garden.

Aside of the words "What a putz" repeated every 11.5 minutes, there are only complaints about lack of water and unkind remarks on professor's wives' appearance that we chose not to publish at this time.

Regarding the Jew-sheltering properties of that Gharqad tree: we seriously suspect that, as with the case of the 72 virgins, there must be a translation problem here. As you can see in the picture below, one of the arch-Zionists, Bibi, is trying to hide behind such a tree - quite unsuccessfully, it seems. (it is worth reading the whole page here, by the way).

We'll continue the research, of course, but more data is required meanwhile. Re the stones - we are considering a hand over of the research to Shin Bet - they will know all about making them talk.

15 January 2006


Iran is to sponsor a conference to "examine the scientific evidence supporting the Holocaust".. The iranloons are getting into full scientific stride. They plan to sit the Davids Duke and Irving in heavy water whilst hurling atoms at them and singing the the farsi version of the Horst Wessel song. Mel Brooks has been commissioned to choreograph the whole thing.

"Foreign Ministry spokesman Hamid Reza Asefi did not disclose where or when the Holocaust conference would be held, nor would he say who would attend or what had prompted Tehran to sponsor it". All the Elders will, of course, be attending.

Ahmadinejad as prophet or Find The Imam game

Independent tries to decipher the mystery of Iranian president's strange behavior. We can mention with not a small degree of satisfaction that they are a bit late with that greenish glow issue. After all, SimplyJews have already cracked this one.

However, Indy people have opened a new interesting venue - Mahmoud the indefatigable and the "hidden imam".

"More worrying for some is that Ahmadinejad is closely identified with the cult of the "hidden imam", the 12th and last of the line of imams revered by Shia Muslims. In a clear parallel with Jewish and Christian visions of Armageddon, Shias believe the imam zaman will return at a time of great turmoil to defeat the forces of evil; recently the president urged Iranians to work hard for this moment. As one commentator pointed out, this was like Tony Blair telling Britons to prepare for the Second Coming."

I have googled for more info on that hidden imam, and one of the sources gives out a picture:

So, ladies and gentlemen - we have decided to start a competition. Those of you who succeed to find the hidden imam in this picture will receive a prize. We prefer not to disclose for now its nature.

To read more about the hidden imam and related issues - see the article "President of Iran: Hallucinations of a psychopath".

14 January 2006

Islam according to the Hook

New revelations from the Abu Hamza "The Hook" philosophy.

In a tape aimed at young people he said: "When you meet Allah you will be asked who was killed at your hands?"

He said: "Killing the kafir for any reason is OK, killing the kafir for no reason is OK," and he specifically singled out those that granted licences for "wine shops".

Hamza added: "We like blood and are addicted to it. When they say they love Allah they must ask themselves how much kafir blood they have spilt for Allah."

It is remarkable that his supporters seem to be unsatisfied by the trial venue.

"Democracy go to hell!" is a clear indication that they would prefer the trial to be moved to another place. Which fact just begs for a reminder: Yemen requested the extradition of The Hook quite a long time ago.

Maybe his ardent supporters would like to join him there for the protests and stuff...

Joke of the week

It is on Benjamin (Bibi) Netanyahu and his relentless drive to become the head honcho and the laughingstock of the country (see here).

"A unique case of a stroke that happened to one person and caused a loss of memory to another one."

Thanks to the program "Splendid country".

13 January 2006

Green glowing pigs? Hmm...

Taiwanese scientists declared another smashing success: pigs that glow green in the dark.

If you remember, the first (supposedly) were the glowing fish. Ways to go! While I am not sure that I would like my pork chops glowing green, I am nevertheless happy for them scientists and hope they will be able to diversify into other colors (pink for pigs would be, probably, most desirable).

However, there is just that tiny sliver of suspicion that bothered me. I did feel that some bits and pieces of information were withheld from the public. So, using the special Elders' brainwaves that penetrate the whole Creation and connect the dots, I was able to put the picture together. It is so simple that I was unable to breath for a few minutes to start with. Then I was unable to get up from the floor I was rolling upon. Oh these Taiwanese scientists, oh these masters of practical joke!

The explanation is short and sweet. You all, probably, remember that story where the Iranian president, that Mahmud Ahmadinejad fellow, rapturously told the world about the green halo that emanated from him during his UN speech. And that picture:

I hope you are able to connect the remaining dots by yourself now?

Disclaimer: The accidental linking between the pigs above and Mr. Ahmadinejad should not be regarded as detrimental to pigs in any way.

Mission accomplished

Last night, while George Galloway was crawling on all floors pretending to be a kitty-cat, lapping milk from the hand of a superannuated actress who is the ex-wife of an actor no-one has seen much of for several years, unbenownst to him, during the the commercial break, the Elders purchased a slot advertising the beauties of our country under the name of our hasbarah department, the Israel Tourist Board. So when you have stopped laughing at the demise of this two-bit demagogue, do come scuba diving in Eilat, or bar-hopping in Tel Aviv.

I'd like to thank the Elders who run Endemol Productions and Channel Four, plus the lawyers who inserted the Ofcom regulations on policial balance into the Broadcasting Act, and the deep cover agents we insinuated into Galloway's office who talked him in to doing this stunt. Not to forget agent Rahel, who under the code name Jodie has done sterling work setting herself up as bait for the bully, and agent Arik, aka Pete, from the Duvduvan, who volunteered to impersonate a transvestite. (Oh, and thanks too, to Dana International, for coaching him.)

Good work all round. Next!

The best about Galloway

Most of our British blogging colleagues are somewhat obsessed with that clownish halfwit. There is no end of posts about his latest shenanigans.

Up to now, the best by far was done by Shuggy here. Enjoy.

A lesson for our enemies

In Haaretz today - an excellent piece by Bradley Burton. I would like to repeat some of it:

This is the lesson that Palestinians would be well advised to learn about the people on this side:

You have made a new kind of martyr hero in the Holy Land, the kind who keeps the shahid from making Jewish infants and Jewish mothers into martyrs against their will.

You have demolished your cause by restoring our faith in the concept that there are those who believe strongly in the elimination of the Jewish people by violent means.

You may believe that you invented steadfastness and stubbornness. Think again.

I am not sure that all Palestinians should be taught the above lesson. But for the self-exploding morons and their bosses from Hamas, Jihad Islami and all the other alphabet soup gangs it is definitely a must.
And to summarize the lesson in an easy way:

And for the color-blind variety of "martyrs":