31 December 2005

Painted into a corner?

A minor incident in a small town in a minor US state. However, the details are mind boggling, and getting into the head of the perp may be dangerous for one's sanity.

"Feeling slighted because of a small raise at the Home Depot where he used to work and by U.S. plans to build a 700-mile fence along the border with Mexico, police said Ali R. Warrayat carefully planned his revenge."

"He wanted to make a statement, and hopefully burn down the Chandler store where he worked before transferring
to a Queen Creek Home Depot about six months ago, according to police reports and interviews. Early on Dec. 18, the 24-year-old Gilbert resident and Arizona State University student set his plan in motion." "Warrayat loaded his Quran and a Palestinian flag into the trunk of his car, put his cat and his uncle's pit bull in the front, and hit the gas, according to the reports and interviews. The car accelerated, slamming through the front doors of the store. He steered the car straight to the paint department, his old job station. Crashing into a counter and scattering flammable fuel everywhere, the car stopped and Warrayat climbed out. He clambered onto the roof, looked around, then jumped to the ground with his lighter. A flick was all it took. Flames climbed and explosions boomed as employees ran for safety. Warrayat calmly walked out of the store, leaving the dog to die inside the burning car. The cat has never been found."

"He talked about his religion with police interrogators, and told them he had a swastika tattooed on the sole of his foot, a mark of disrespect, because his mosque was once defaced with one."

And, of course, the usual spiel from the amazed co-workers and friends:

"Co-workers were amazed at his alleged actions. He had always been "gentleman-like and respectable with everyone," said co-worker and friend Joaquin Bustamante."

So what is it we have here?

1. Deeply religious

2. Unsatisfied with his job remuneration

3. Concerned with the plight of his Palestinian brothers and sisters

4. Bee in his bonnet about the "apartheid wall" between Mexico and US.

5. Some family issues with his uncle, or with uncle's pit bull

6. Troubled relationship with own cat

A swastika tattooed on the sole of his foot (how does he enjoy its look then?)

8. Burning his Quran and a Palestinian flag with the whole enchilada (why?)

I think these eight items are enough to start you all thinking in the new year.

Happy New Year and cheers to all.

Islamist extremist sought foothold in Japan

One of our all time favorites - Tehran Times posted an interesting article. While the question is how does such a politically incorrect text find its way to this specific media outlet, the contents are quite exciting.

"A member of an Islamist extremist group banned in Pakistan entered Japan two years ago to try to establish a foothold in the country, a Japanese newspaper said on Friday."

"Japanese police had warned this month that Islamist extremists may tempt Muslim communities in Japan to turn radical and attack Japan, whose government has been a staunch backer of the U.S.-led war on Iraq."

That's really interesting. An extremist Muslim like this one would be news indeed:

Although, come to think of it, some basic elements of the dress code are already in place:

And the equipment preparation and training are being mastered, as well:

So, dear Japanese folks - be prepared to sing to the new tunes soon!

30 December 2005

Euros have fled the building

"Our monitors are now in the Kerem Shalom military base. When the situation is clear, and these people leave, we will go back to our work," De La Guardia said. Kerem Shalom is an Israeli military base on the Israeli side of the border with Gaza.

Surely "these people" disrupting the tranquillity of Gaza must be Israelis, disguised as Palestinian policemen?

And what is this - the European monitors are being sheltered by the IDF - how can that be? Any fule kno that the IDF murders Europeans / Palestinians out of sheer boredom. Those Euro monitors will live (by dying) to regret it. Trust me, we will hear no more about them until their bleached bones are discovered by an intrepid Guardian journo.


Welcome, WolfieSmith!

The Elders decided that our Hasbara team needs a boost, and as a result, WolfieSmith, after a life full of excitement and danger, was plucked, so to say, from the flowerbed and installed in our team.

His life story is here. You shall see that this one is a dangerous character, so watch out!

29 December 2005

So what will you have?

NYT describes the current situation on Gazan border here.

And here is the punch line:

"The Palestinian leader, Mahmoud Abbas, who was in Gaza on Wednesday, condemned the Israeli move, saying, "Israel left the Gaza Strip and has no right to return under any pretext, such as the firing of rockets, which I also condemn."

It is just impossible to figure out. Is it a sign of idiocy? Hypocrisy? Impotence? All of the above?

The last few weeks are bringing to us with increasing intensity some new/old questions:

1. Is what happens on the Lebanon and Gazan borders to serve a model for the future peace?

2. Do the people who are behind these attacks understand the possible consequences?

3. Is Abbas playing the good ole Yasser's game?

Wouldn't it be nice to have the answers - before it is too late and IDF does what IDF does?

Jewish girl marries nice . . .

Look, I know there's a shortage of nice Jewish boys out there, but this is just going too far. We don't know anything about him. As far as we know he's not even circumcised, let alone bar mitzvahed.

Guardian's emissions

Scott Burgess performs here an elegant dissection of a stinky smelly emission from a Guardian "environment editor" John Vidal.

There is nothing much to add to that piece, aside of this aside: only people who do nothing avoid making mistakes. However, the interesting thing with GU is that all these mistakes tend to lean in one direction only. Why is that?

John Demjanjuk - going home at last?

This story, thanks to the breathtaking developments in the modern jurisprudence, takes an inordinate amount of time to come to a conclusion.

"CLEVELAND, Ohio (AP) -- An immigration judge Wednesday ordered John Demjanjuk, a retired auto worker accused of being a Nazi concentration camp guard, deported to his native Ukraine, bringing him a step closer to being removed from the U.S. after a 30-year legal battle." "Demjanjuk, 85, has been fighting to stay in this country since the 1970s. He was suspected for a time of being the notoriously brutal guard known as Ivan the Terrible and was nearly executed in Israel."

Sheesh. What do we have here? We know that there is enough proof that Johnny is a Nazi, that he happily served as a guard in a concentration camp, the only question is whether he was Ivan1 or Ivan2. Which question saved his sorry Nazi ass during his pro bono vacation in Israel.

So what the heck takes 30 years? Why not let him to become one with his own people again?

"His attorney had argued at a hearing last month that sending Demjanjuk back to Ukraine would be like throwing him "into a shark tank."

First of all this is very unkind, racist and in general non-PC to talk this way about a friendly democratic country. But if the learned attorney prefers another option, I believe we can offer Johnny some extended hospitality here. Courtesy of Israeli government, medical care included - up to the last second.

"Justice in this case is long delayed," said Rabbi Abraham Cooper, ... "No one should confuse anything happening to John Demjanjuk as anything but justice. It's not vengeance."

Dear Rabbi - I have some news for you. There is nothing wrong with a dollop of vengeance. And that "The vengeance is mine" clause was added by the Elders - to prevent competition. If you know what we mean.

28 December 2005

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

man is not very well known outside of Poland, Germany and Russia (strange partners, eh?). Part of my mission is to carry a torch for some of the undeservedly forgotten or plainly underestimated writers. So you better buy his books, read him and tell your friends to do likewise, you lazy SOBs and DOBs! Or else. To whet your appetites:

"If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he entitled to happiness?"

"Hay smells different to lovers and horses."

"No snowflake in the avalanche ever feels responsible."

"Those who are ahead of their time need to wait for it at the right places specified by the state."

"Illiterates have to dictate."

And find a better biography of his than that in Wiki, that one is worth shit.

ISM, Clare Short and shards of glass

Sometimes, just for laughs, I open the notorious little brother of Al Jazeera - AlJazeera.com, and almost every time something interesting crops up. Like today.

"Israeli authorities denied entry to Australian Shiri Lock, Italian Vittorio Arrigoni and South African Michael Horsell when they arrived five days ago at the Ben Gurion airport."

So far so good. ISM bleeding hearts, as usual, harassed and oppressed by the cruel, aggressive and inhospitable Zionists. Nothing new, so I almost clicked another article, but then:

"Police wanted to force the South African, Michael Horsell, to fly back without waiting for a court order," said lawyer Gaby Lasky.

"As he was peacefully opposing his deportation, Italian pacifist Vittorio Arrigoni was with him and was lightly injured by shards of glass during a confrontation with police," the lawyer added.

Now it becomes interesting. Fists, clubs, tear gas, rubber bullets, simply bullets, bulldozers: all these would be your usual, run of the mill tools of Zionism. But shards of glass? I have never heard about this, obviously new and so far secret, ammunition in the hands of Israeli police. One imagines a beer bottle broken off upon the nearest table and a police hoodlum using it to cut up a poor defenseless ISM guardian of peace.

But then, looking at a press release by the base hive here, I have not seen any mention of glass shards or any other glass-related subject. I am sure that Ms. Lasky would have mentioned that new police ordnance were it was used by police. On the other hand, I am a frequent visitor in Ben-Gurion airport and should be aware of overabundance of glass shards there, but I do not recollect any. So, after excluding everything impossible, we are left with the only improbable choice - the glass shards are handiwork of the guardians of peace.

The cell phone of Ms. Lasky - 054 441 8988 is, unfortunately, switched off at the time of writing this, so I cannot get a confirmation (not that I expect one in this case).

What does it all have to do with Clare Short? Nothing much, it is just that the lady (who considers our puny little country to be the source of all the evil in the world and makes us, Elders, proud) supports these
peaceful folks allergic to unbroken glass objects. Which support makes them suspect in my eyes. Besides their strange habit of breaking glass objects upon landing.


Yeah - putting a bottom line to 2005 - this is still my favorite of all times.

And if you have not read it - your loss entirely.

UN game targets your children

This is a title of a post on Dodgeblogium by (surprise!) Andrew Ian Dodge. Hilarious.

One thing to add: I strongly suspect that our naughty children will try to do the opposite of what the Unbelievable Nincompoops intended. The supply cases, boxes, etc. will land mostly on the eagerly expecting population, instead of near them.

Go figure...

27 December 2005

Syrian held over Beirut car bomb

CNN posted this today. Here is the gist:

"The formal arrest followed issuance of a warrant by Lebanese military prosecutor Rashid Mizher based on telephone calls al Kader made before and after the car bombing that killed Tueni and two of his bodyguards, a judicial official said on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the investigation."

We should expect the following text, based on the above, to appear in Syrian media (changes in the original highlighted by the Elders):

"The formal arrest by the Zionist Lebanese traitors followed issuance of a warrant by Lebanese military prosecutor, an overt Zionist Rashid Mizher, based on telephone calls al Kader (a closet Zionist playing the role of a Syrian citizen) made before and after the Zionist car bombing that killed the Zionist Tueni and two of his bodyguards - running lackey Zionist mercenary dogs, a judicial official (a covert Zionist) said on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the investigation."

Isn't the situation much clearer now?

Another gift for Chanukah.

From the enchanting blog by a very nice Portuguese Jew Nuno Guerreiro - Rua da Judiaria (whatever it means, but it sounds faintly Jewish) - another audio-visual gift with a nice picture and a song by Adam Sandler - as usual, slightly silly. But enjoyable nevertheless.

The blog itself is exquisite, and even if your Portuguese is, like mine, slightly rusty - there is a Google translation plug-in for the lazy.

26 December 2005

Ben Bernanke - still Jewish.

Dear guest: whatever your intentions regarding that search may be, please click here and answer a simple question. It will take only a few seconds of your valuable time, and the Elders are ready to compensate you for the effort.

Here is the compensation.

This after we have dealt comprehensively with the subject in this communique.

We are not challenging the public's right to know, but ladies, gentlemen and everyone else - there are some limits! Please read the above linked again and stop bothering Google.

We have rechecked Mr. Bernanke's position - he is still Jewish, our check was exhaustive.

The Night Before Chanukah

Whilst on the Subject of Hanukkah, this one has been doing the e-mail rounds (No, this has nothing to do with the fakakteh lyricists at JfJfP). We did our best to trace the origin of this, but the shlumpers at our research department came up with gurnisht mit kaduches.

'Twas the night before Chanukah, boichiks and maidels
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels
The menorah was set by the chimney alight
In the kitchen, the Bubbie was hopping a bite
Salami, Pastrami, a glaisele tay
And zoyere pickles mit bagels-- Oy vay!

Gezint and geschmock the kinderlach felt
While dreaming of taiglach and Chanukah gelt
The alarm clock was sitting, a kloppin' and tickin'
And Bubbie was carving a shtickele chicken
A tummel arose, like the wildest k'duchas
Santa had fallen right on his tuchas!

I put on my slippers, ains, tzvay, drei
While Bubbie was eating herring on rye
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gottkes
And Bubbie was just devouring the latkes
To the window I ran, and to my surprise
A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.

When he got to the door and saw the menorah
"Yiddishe kinder," he cried, "Kenahorah!"
I thought I was in a Goyishe hoise!
As long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys."
"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish
Mit a gupel, a leffel, and a shtickele fish.

"With smacks of delight he started his fressen
Chopped liver, knaidlach, and kreplach gegessen
Along with his meal he had a few schnapps
When it came to eating, this boy sure was tops
He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt
But they were so hot he yelled out "Gevalt!"

He loosened his hoysen and ran from the tish
"Your koshereh meals are simply delish!"
As he went through the door he said "See y'all later
I'll be back next Pesach in time for the seder!"
So, hutzmir and zeitzmir and "Bleibtz mir gezint"
he called out cheerily into the wind.

More rapid than eagles, his prancers they came
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name
"Come, Izzie, now Moishe, now Yossel and Sammy!
On Oyving, and Maxie, and Hymie and Manny!"
He gave a geshrai, as he drove out of sight"
A gut yontiff to all, and to all a good night!"

25 December 2005

JfJfP and the Holiday Spirit

In a concerted effort to increase the quality of Anti-Semitic material out there, the Elders have commissioned a little known Joo organization that prides itself on its ability to out do the worst Jew haters out there. As most of us know, the Elders have commissioned a number of talents in the past for such tasks, although most of these were asked to create a Holiday Sprit atmosphere by writing Christmas Carols, lulling the goyim into a good-will state of mind.

Here's a short list of our earlier commissions:
White Christmas – Irving Berlin
Let it Snow – Sammy Cahn and Jule Styne
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – Johnny Marks

Here's the tricky lyric JfJfP came up with:

Ariel Sharon walked out
On the Temple mountain;
Riots broke out round about -
Blood flowed like a fountain.
Seven were shot dead that day,
And the troops hit harder,
Escalating an affrayInto intifada.
"Hither voters, vote for me,

In the next election;
I will bring security,
Strength and self-protection".
So they voted in Sharon
As their lord and master,
And they let him carry on,
Though he brought disaster.

"Bring me flesh and bring me blood,
Bring me target killing!
Crush those Arabs into mud,
Make the message chilling.
Bomb the people from the sky,
Fighting terrorism;
If the world complains,
we'll cry'Antisemitism!'"

In their master's steps they trod,
The Israeli forces;
They profaned the name of God,
Choosing evil courses.
Therefore, IDF, be sure,
Tanks and planes deploying,
Ye who will oppress the poor,
Shall be self-destroying.

Well Ladies and Gentlemen of JfJfP, you've certainly raised the quality of Anti-Semitic rhetoric. You've out done the best of them.

More of these can be found Here

24 December 2005

7x7 wishes by Norm

Norm expressed here his 7x7 wishlist.

Since all this holiday spirit and stuff makes us more suspicious than ever, we can say that:

1. A person who likes Sturgeon is our kind of person all right.

2. Opera - when 55 year Romeo weighing around 120 sings to a mustachioed Julia of around 110 and approximately the same age - yeah, man, you got the general picture.

3. Re that joining in clause - this is what got us buffled. Who is joining whom? Kalamazookid is on an assignment, deep undercover one, so here...

To all our Christian friends

Merry Christmas!

(No cats of mine were used in testing and production of this picture.)

Greetings - part II

Speakin about gifts, here are two musical gifts:

The Lonely Jew song

A Chanukah choir (now you shall know why it is close to impossible to create a choir of more than one Jew). This one needs instructions: download, open with Internet Explorer or FireFox, use the middle candle (shamash) to start/stop the whole choir or click each individual candle in turn.

And here a dreidel for you to take home:

Happy Chanukah!


Akaky of the Passing Parade made a beautiful Christmas/Chanukah gift for all of us. Enjoy!

23 December 2005

Brotherhood chief: Holocaust a myth

The Iranian clown is not alone in his Holocaust denial ravings. If that's indeed the picture some people were trying to present - here comes his spiritual brother from Egyptian Muslim Brotherhood. It's interesting how his Holocaust denial is formulated: "We don't have confirmed things to enable us to prove this matter or refute it," he said.

Meaning, probably, that the learned Muslim Brotherhood's department of Holocaust studies has not yet amassed sufficient scientific material to make a decision on the whole issue.

The jokers usually say that denial is not a name of the river in Africa, but here it comes very close.

Just to think, that Noam the Master Mind said not a month ago regarding this bunch of loonies:

"I don'’t see any inherent reason why the Muslim Brotherhood couldn'’t be part of the majority part of the democratic culture."

Some culture, indeed...

Greetings - part 1

It is the time to start this tiresome holidays greeting business.
To make an easy start - Andrew Ian Dodge has started earlier, so here you are.

22 December 2005

Women are not for decoration


Prior to looking at the picture below, read this:

We, the Elders, are not and never have been male, female or anything in between, chauvinists!!! Moreover, we have never been suspected or even accused of any of the above mentioned kinds of chauvinism, so help us the Spirit of the Elders!

Now you can look all you want:

We can tell you straight away, that we absolutely share the sentiment expressed by the lady that holds it (the sentiment, that is). Besides, we are not at all sure that this picture is, or could be, or could be interpreted as in any way funny.

On the other hand, after mulling over that picture...

No, we do not think so...

Still, maybe, just maybe...


Anyway, Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, any other applicable holiday greeting to anyone for whom they are relevant.

Maradona arrested after comeback

Diego The Hand of God really underwent an amazing change. Losing 53 kilo of pure fat and being able to play 68 minutes (for free) is not a small feat for a person who barely survived his afflictions a short time ago.

I can and do respect this. However, CNN, being a corrupt imperialist borgeous mouthpiece, has not missed a chance to stick a knife in Diego's back.

"After the incidents at the airport police told Radio CBN that they intended to conduct an alcohol test on Argentina's 1986 World Cup hero."

"Maradona allegedly argued with airport workers and then with authorities in one of the airport's VIP room, upset that the flight wasn't held for him."

"The former Argentina star allegedly tried to force his way on board, prompting airport workers to call authorities. A door at the VIP room was broken in the incident, and Maradona allegedly said he was going to pay for the damage, Melo said."

Besides asking why the new democratic Brazil cannot overlook a small thing like this, making a big deal out of nothing, really - after all we are talking here about a friend of Fidel C. and Hugo (also C.) - I would like to inquire whether The Hand of God indeed went over from the sniffing kind to the drinking kind?

Your health, amigo!


This post in Jewlicious brings up some interesting info on the 16th Knesset that is going out (not with a bang, rather with a whimper).

According to house Speaker Reuven Rivlin:

The 16th Knesset was undoubtedly the most vilified Knesset in the history of the state.

Vilified... Hmm... Means that the poor angels were dragged through the mud by the media, probably with enthusiastic assistance from Joe the Public. Undeservedly.

Or is it just a translation problem?

Blood libel - old news and new info

Justify this! posts an excerpt from MEMRI that quotes another Iranian folk singer - Hasan Hanizadeh on the ritual killing that supposedly took place in Paris and London.

"In 1883, about 150 French children were murdered in a horrible way in the suburbs of Paris, before the Jewish Passover holiday. Later research showed that the Jews had killed them and taken their blood. This event caused riots in Paris back then, and the French government found itself under pressure."

That story is completely misinterpreted, dear Hasan. Surely we did take some blood - after all what kind of Pesach would it be without some fresh blood in the matza? As you may know (or not?) we did not have freezers in these days, so the blood must have been taken afresh each time. But we did not kill these poor lambs. Instead they were injected with a special serum (an ancient recipe dating from the Moses PBUH times) that automatically converts them into Judaism. For boys it also causes the end of their you know what to fall off painlessly without a need for a mohel.

Afterwards the children were dispersed all over the world under a hypnotically induced command to procreate like rabbits to increase our numbers. This was just a part of our world domination plan (already completed, as you may want to know). So you better check your genealogy carefully, Hasan. There is at least 78% of Jewish blood in you, according to our calculations.

Shalom, baby!

21 December 2005

On use of torture

Norm raises that eternal subject in his post. His conclusion is crystal clear:

"Some moral rules are absolute or all but absolute. The prohibition of torture is one of them."

He refers as a starting point to an article in Boston Globe.

To be fair, I do not have a settled opinion on the subject, trying not to be of a closed mind. Thus I can neither agree nor disagree with Norm on the subject. However, due to peculiarities of my own upbringing, I tend to be wary of absolutes - be they of moral, political or religious source. Being, on top of it, Jewish and thus questioning everything and anything, I would naturally like to ask a few questions.

1. Aren't moral rules just a set of tools used to govern our behaviour and adjusted to our specific culture (thus not absolute by definition)?

2. Is there an absolute that was not bent at this or another time by this or another society?

3. Seeing how "Thou shall not kill", which should by rights be considered one of the most important absolutes is treated by all and sundry - isn't "Thou shall not torture" a bit less important?

Here a quote from Boston Globe is needed.

Columbia's Waldron is asking: "If there were 100 people in custody and only one had the information needed, but you didn't know which one, would you torture all 100? Or would you torture a terrorist's innocent daughter if she happened to know where the bomb was but out of misguided loyalty remained silent?"

So, in the best Jewish tradition, I shall counter by a question:

4. When a general sacrifices hundreds or thousands of soldiers to save thousands or tens of thousands of other soldiers, which is considered a normal military practice - is it that different from the case Waldron raises above?

And, in preparation to the next question: let's assume that there is a law that a) permits the use of torture in the "ticking bomb" situation and b) stipulates that the person(s) using torture to save Manhattan or, say, Jerusalem, will be tried and punished for this. Let's add another assumption: the person that is going to use torture is aware of the consequences and is ready to bear them. Now I am ready for the last question:

5. What then?

P.S. Let's not use Krauthammer, OK?

New ruminations of a Master Mind

The word "rumination" was chosen on purpose here, since it has the following meanings:

1. A calm lengthy intent consideration

2. (of ruminants) chewing (the cud)

3. Regurgitation of small amounts of food; seen in some infants after feeding

Noam Chomsky, the Master Mind (MM) of the century, descended to the masses with another interview, this time given to Karim Elsahy, the owner of this blog.

Even a cursory examination of the contents produces enough gems. Here are few of them:

"I mean the level of religious fundamentalism in the United States is beyond any country I know."

Well, that doesn't point to an encyclopedic level of knowledge, but then – why wouldn’t MM talk about something he has not a foggiest idea about? This is not the first time it happens, after all. Nor is it the last, as it is seen from the following hilarious dialog with the interviewer:

(C) “In Egypt for example, is there a problem about teaching evolution in schools?”

(E) “I don’t believe it is actually taught in government schools.”

(C) “I am surprised to hear that.”

(To ensure we are all synchronized here, (C) means Chomsky.)

The next one is also quite good:

“Decade [1990] started with the murder of an archbishop, who was voice of the voiceless and ended with the murder of 6 leading Latin American intellectuals happened to be Jesuit priests, their house keeper, and daughter by an elite battalion armed and trained by the United States who had already slaughters tens of thousands of people. I mean if anything like that happened to Czechoslovakia everybody would know about it. Since it was done by US backed forces, nobody knows about it.”

Nobody, but nobody knows about it – aside of the MM. Sure, let’s proceed.

“What will happen in Egypt depends on the Egyptian phenomenon, and tendency. I don’t see any inherent reason why the Muslim Brotherhood couldn’t be part of the majority part of the democratic culture. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. But that for Egypt to work out.”

Indeed - Egyptian phenomenon - Muslim Brotherhood as part of the majority part of the democratic culture… Oh my.

There is a lot of other cud to chew in that endless and, frankly, rumbling monolog.

If we look back into the definition of the word “rumination”, there is definitely a dilemma.
While the interview is calm and lengthy indeed, to call it considerate would be a stretch. And the result is too close to a significant quantity of small and regurgitated amounts of food to match the definition 1.

P.S. The term Master Mind regarding Noam Chomsky is not derogatory - it was used by a dotting reporter from Haaretz who interviewed him.

And again from Guardian with love

Today's on-line edition of GU displays again the innate talent of its editors to link any event in the Middle East to the Jooz. Here is a picture of today's page:

So, some guys (a safe assumption, since we have not noticed many Palestinian ladies being armed, otherwise GU would use the politically correct term "gunperson") decided to press their rights for government employment, using an unorthodox method.

So far so good. The method in question may be not what a Western trade union would necessarily use, but it probably works better in our area. This is not the issue anyway.

The issue is - why in the whole sunny Middle East has the Gurdian chosen to place the (exciting, no questions about it) article on Arik's unhealthy eating habits and another one on Israel in such close proximity to the above story?

We mean, what the heck? Did Arik chomp down somebody's pita by mistake, that somebody being two dozen gunmen of Bethlehem?

P.S. That remark about Western trade unions - we take it back. It is not our business to spread new ideas of this sort around. Who knows what...

Now it is getting serious

It seems that the Iranian bloke was only warming up for the real action up to now, and only today the gloves came off.

Says Guardian: "Having outraged the international community by denying the holocaust and Israel's right to exist, Iran's combative president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has launched an offensive against new western targets - George Michael, Eric Clapton and the Bee Gees. In a decree that threatens to turn the clock back to 1979, when Iran was gripped by the Islamic revolution, Mr Ahmadinejad has ordered state broadcasters to stop playing "decadent" western music and to favour "fine Iranian music" instead."

It is not just Jooz now, seeing as Guardian put this in its on-line edition as a major scoop, we feel that Mahmoud succeeded finally to take a major piss out of the sleeping dragon.

Now Mahmoud is in deep doodoo...

For the folks of GU - three pictures of Mahmoud to print out and pin on their walls as dart targets:

As it was already mentioned before, the Elders prefer the reddish-pink one, but it is a matter of taste. Besides, we are known as bloodthirsty beings ...

20 December 2005

Bush to Sharon: Exercise, diet and work less hours

That according to this Haaretz report. What Haaretz missed and the radio (Reshet Bet, for example) has not was that Dubya also told the Fatso that he works too much and that he (Dubya) got tired just reading Arik's daily schedule. Why doesn't it come as a surprise?

Notice that this time, at least, he has the correct ear covered.

In related news from the same article:

"Shortly after his return to his Jerusalem residence, Sharon called Netanyahu to congratulate him on his victory in the Likud primaries. He also thanked his rival in the March elections for his get-well wishes."

Probably one of the sweetest moments for Arik (see here why).

He who dominates

This big guy here feels just a tiny little bit better now. He is still far from being out of it, so please consider a brief prayer to whatever entity suits you for his recovery.


19 December 2005

Ain't you a sore loser, Bibi?

The ex-PM, ex-Minister of Finance, ex-darling of NYC wives, Benjamin Natanyahu (Bibi) lost it again.

Interviewed today (December 19) near the Western Wall, where he piously presented himself on the day of the Likud primeries, Bibi was asked to respond to the news about Arik's stroke.

And here the ex-golden tongue slipped a little. Translated into English, his response was "Condolences with a quick recovery". Bibi promptly corrected himself to "My wishes for a quick recovery", but the damage was done.

You see, our prior warning about the old dog was timely. Arik bit Bibi without even getting up from his bed.

Ho Ho Ho!

When the right meets the terrorists

This is a piece we would gladly put our signatures under. That is, if it were ours, which it isn't, since Meryl of Yourish.com fame did it.

When the right meets the terrorists: Shame!


Unholy undies my foot!

Unholy undies adorn rabbi's tomb.

Under this provocative caption, the Aussies have chosen to tell the story:

"Hundreds of young Israeli women looking for husbands have been placing their underwear on the tomb of a venerated rabbi in the hopes that their marriage prayers will be answered."

"But Rabbi Israel Deri, who is in charge of protecting holy sites in the north, has told the newspaper the women's prayers will go unanswered."

"Having consulted with the chief rabbis, I can say with certainty that not only are these women guilty of a profanity but they will also never gain benediction," he said.

Now, girls, in the light of such uncharitable behavior of the rabbi, we, the Elders, have a perfect solution: come by our place, hand over the undies, and our able marriage counseling team will solve the problem - on the spot. The password for the guards: "lonesome no more".

And we promise to treat your undies with all due respect and veneration. Cross my... no, it is from another place.

Kudos to MEW for the tip.

A broadside from abroad

That insidious British motormouth Galloway gave another interview - this time to Iranian official news agency - IRNA.

Speaking to IRNA in an exclusive interview ..., he asked, "Why should Iran be denied the right to nuclear activities for peaceful purposes, if other countries are given such a right?"

Why indeed? We never thought about it that way.

"I do not know whether Iran is intent on developing nuclear weapons, but even if it does, other countries in the Middle East region already have such weapons. So why should not Iran have them? "What is forbidden, should be applicable to all. It is not possible to consider something improper for others and at the same time proper for ourselves," he added.

Why indeed? - we have asked ourselves, one another and a passerby or two (we had them killed afterwards, following the ancient Elders' custom).

"If the killing of several individuals in London, New York and Paris is taken as terrorism, taking the lives of thousands of innocent people in Palestine, Iraq, Afghanistan and Lebanon should also be declared as terrorist acts."

Why not, indeed?

After hearing it enough times, especially told in Queen's language of such superb quality, we are starting to hesitate. At least, wobble a bit. Let's say, vibrate sympathetically just a tad.

And then we look at the picture:

That open, straightforward, sincere face, these eyes so full of desire to convince the world of the righteousness of his way, these ears (difficult to see, but they must be somewhere) so open to the injustices of this imperfect life...

If there is anyone who has not experienced that same set under the guise of a secondhand car salesman, a door-to-door Bible peddler, a Kirby agent, a time share resort host/hostess - if you have never been there and seen that, throw at me your dollar, your shekel, your Euro...

And I will take it.

How could I have missed this?

"Stick a Nobel peace prize on this".

Under this caption Eric from the Drink Soaked Trotskyist Popinjays For War (DSTPFW) published a picture I have missed. For lazy readers - here it comes:

Ain't it a doozy?

On Sharon's stroke

There are some mixed feelings in the general public regarding the fatso's ailment. While saying "Gezundheit", some politicians experience a feeling not exactly alien to that of hopeful expectation. That picture:

will suit quite a few of these hopefuls, between them a certain Bibi, a specific Amir and some others. They would be quite happy to see Arik ensconced behind that traffic sign:

However, in the area of traffic signs there is another one they should be aware of:

So - take it easy, hopefuls!

P.S. Our maintenance people, who, as usual, can't find their collective ass without an operating manual, were so kind as to update me that the current malfunction is related to the latest upgrade. Routine maintenance after a short circuit put out the main processor unit due to the large amount of Likud cronies sheltering under his "Forward" superstructure.

So, how do you want to go about it?

One subject that has incessantly provided our team with regular laughs lately, has been the frequent discussions on whether Israel has a right to exist. This issue keeps getting regurgitated time at time again, as though if one of these discussions culminated with a clearly definable conclusion, the follow up would result in an action plan. We've read some academic opinions, activists constructed workable solutions and Anti-Zionist have come up with their 'against' stipulations. We just love the effort these guys can put into a redundant hypothesis, and revel in the satirical material we get out of it.

What gets us cracking most however is the fact that these people think these debates, discussions and lecture evening will culminate in something. Some of these twits actually think that what they have to say will have some impact. They believe that if they come up with a formula, a chain of logic proving that Israel doesn’t have the right to exist, a major force will come and sweep all the Jooz away.

Rather than stifle debate (which we clearly don't encourage on this Blog), we thought we should feed these talkers with a real world type discussion. Having noted and registered that some of them have already reached the conclusion that Israel doesn't have the right to exist, we'd like to up the ante - a practical issue for them to bend their minds around;

How do you propose to make Israel desist? Do you really believe that your opinions will make us all pack up and leave?

While you Anti–Zionist thinkers ponder these issues, the elders have finally decided to tackle that old Father Christmas myth, and set another matter straight for you. That dude with the long white beard was a fable constructed by the Elders Mind Control division (Goyeshe Kop Dreyers), who had acquired a major stake in Coca-Cola, seeing the opportunity to mix into the popular drink formula a thought controlling agent, that would send the drinkers into a highly suggestive mode. This was coupled with the Elders controlling stake in Hollywood and the Media in general, which provided the platform to deliver our subliminal messages.

Now think back ladies and Gentlemen of the Anti–Zionist persuasion, closely scrutinize your history books, and ask yourselves, how does Israel always get away with it? how can Israel always remain untouchable, Eh?

And one last thing, that Ho Ho Ho thing… Well that was the cheer our old accounting genius – Motle Ganev used to make while rubbing his palms together, each time he expanded the Elders Zionist World Domination fund with another fine investment.

17 December 2005

Hak Mao on Iraqi elections

Short post on Hak Mao blog - directly to the point.

Naughty boys and girls from WH Smith

That nice bloke from Justify This! brought to our attention some interesting activities of the venerable WH Smith Internet bookstore.

It appears that, in order to jack up their Christmas profits, WH Smith people are not against some hanky-panky with strictly non-kosher stuff, such as "International Jew" by the late Henry Ford, "Mein Kampf" and other exciting titles. Between them The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, which is what we'd like to discuss here. We have a copy of your site offering this historic opus here.

Not for the lawyers - we do not need no lawyers to take care of it.

As a matter of fact, we are not all that indignant about the book, we let other people enjoy whatever they like to. Besides, there is that freedom of speech and information that we could not care less about, now that the world domination question is no more.

No, what we want to say to WH Smith is: WHERE ARE THE FUCKING ROYALTIES?

Since the first copy of this opus has seen the light, not once has the publisher forgotten to pay up, and now this? Even the Russian Okhranka paid up! Ladies and gentlemen of WH Smith, we are not in dire need of simoleons, our accounting will not even feel the loss of a few measly pounds you forgot to transfer to the account number you know only too well. This is a matter of principle.

We do not know - maybe broken knees and elbows are not such an impediment for publishing and bookselling business. But as sure as Elders domination of the world, it makes hellishly uncomfortable the simple task of gathering your broken teeth from the floor.

So - you better cough up the money, and soon!

16 December 2005

Jean-Marie Le Pen unhappy

Haaretz brings to our attention that "French far-right leader Jean-Marie Le Pen, who has been convicted several times of making anti-Semitic remarks, said that he was shocked by Ahmadinejad's comments. "

"I find this shocking and I do not share at all the declarations of the Iranian president," Le Pen told French radio France-Inter.

Surely, sharing was never a trait of Le Pen. He is simply jealous that somebody stole all the glory.

15 December 2005

Oh, it's a matter of color now?

We have planned to commit ourselves to silence regarding that Iranian president, seeing as he stopped providing new content, repeating himself. But it appears that the old boy should not be automatically disregarded, he is still good for a few laughs here and there.

This time the comic content is provided by Mahmud via the good services of Asia Times

"A DVD is making a splash in Iran. No, it's not the new, pirated King Kong. It shows Iranian President Mahmud Ahmadinejad telling an ayatollah how he was miraculously enveloped by a green aura when he delivered his fiery speech at the recent United Nations General Assembly in New York. He added that for half an hour the array of world leaders, in awe, didn't even blink."

Since we have missed the TV translation of the speech, we have tried to simulate the situation:

To tell you the truth, we think that reddish pink is more becoming that special face he owns:

See what we mean? But we don't want to enforce our taste in this case; if he wants to be green, let him be green. As long as he keeps to pink underwear, that is. Since his master, "ultra-powerful, ultra-conservative Ayatollah Mesbah Yazdi", prefers him this way.

Anyhow, all of the above appears to be a funny coincidence. Our "ways and means" department just called me to tell that:

1. The greenish hue in the United Nations General Assembly auditorium is meant to keep the present luminaries, most of them our remote-controlled reptilians, in a suspended state during the interminable speeches.

2. Being of lizardoid persuasion, the above mentioned luminaries do not blink, unless during televised interviews when seen close up. That, of course, thanks to a remote-controlled timer.

So, Mahmud, since there is nothing supernatural in that green halo, how about listening to us and going to the reddish pink?

Spirit and Opportunity - One Martian Year Anniversary

Happy birthday, you two guys, and keep going - as long as possible.

You are the best expression of what is good and inspiring in that senseless irritating bunch of creatures that poison, deface and generally destroy the Earth and each other.

(The picture above is a view of a Martian sunset over the Gusev crater).

And all the best to NASA!

So what else is new?

The other day that Iranian clown:

let it rip again...

I don't know - should I? No - fuck him and his big mouth, it becomes too boring.

Our tomcat has become listless lately, lost his usual inhuman appetite, and the main question is to take him to the vets immediately or to wait a bit more.

More significant news to follow.

14 December 2005

Lunatics and their attraction to Holy Land (part II)

Seems as though everyone wants to have a musical written about themselves these days, some even make some pretty serious life changing shifts to qualify. This dork even went so far as to change his name to get in the limelight. Salamat, Andrew McDonald (aka Muncie). Away with ya lad. Here's Ynet's ticker tape tale of an ISMnik getting a boot up the Gaza Pass:

Pro-Palestinian activist to be deported
A British pro-Palestinian activist will be deported
from Israel for defying a ban prohibiting him from entering the country. Andrew McDonald was arrested two weeks ago for entering Israel under a different name and overstaying his visa. McDonald was arrested and deported four
years ago for barricading himself in the house of a suicide bomber. (Efrat Weiss)

Looks like scrappy little Andrew locked horns with the IDF once too many, and now the British tax payer gets to foot the bill for his repatriation.

As the Goon outlined in his post below, we get quite a few freaks, anoraks and an assortment of otherwise unclassified turds, that appear on our doorstep regularly - the Jerusalem Syndrome sufferers, the enlightened resurrected Jesuses that pound the old city's pavement desperately seeking their flock of disciples. Most of these freaks got sifted thoroughly and efficiently in the past, with minimum fuss, ending up on the next flight home.

In a concerted effort to filter out the remaining silt that perpetually drifts to our shores, a Personality Profile fitting most types was created for our first line of defense - the stern yet insurmountably sexy ladies of Israeli Immigration. With a few short questions they were able to separate the cookies from the crumbs. However, that left us with another small yet persistent challenge.

The ISM spends a lot of time and effort in training their emissary rookies, furnishing them with well scripted background stories, and methods to throw the ladies of immigration off the scent. While in the past the ISM were relatively successful in getting their activists through Israel's ports of entry, their scripting has had the effect of raising the bar a notch. A solution was devised; the technology funded by the Elder's R&D department, has since been piloted and Beta tested by the fine ladies behind the immigration counter and has been operational for some time.

We'd like to point out one consideration for those budding enthusiastic ISM rookies, on the way to our shores. If you do manage to get past our immigration staff, just be aware that you may not be as clever as you think you are. Andrew was in fact unwittingly an Israeli agent. He was a beacon in the night, a blip on our monitors, a pointer that brought down a house of cards.

Thanks Andrew, you've outlived your usefulness.

Urgent message to the maintenance department

Hi Uri,

My scrambler is on the fritz - as usual these days, so I am using an open channel. Fuck the scrambler, actually - this is not why I am calling. The reason is that "David Duke" unit you have put in the field about 55 years ago, if I am not mistaken. Took you about 20 years to get it to the operational status, and even then it was not without its faults.

Yeah, I know, for about 10 years its output was superb, and we are proud of your work. So pipe down, OK? I know that it gave these Americans such a turn-off of everything related to KKK and its affiliates that... Fine, fine, I said pipe down.

But look at what this "Duke" is producing
now. I hope you understand that it cannot continue this way anymore. It is not only that the unit has not produced any new material for the last 30 years or more and that its value is diminishing. It is just that it it cannot connect a few sentences together without fucking up. Look at this:

"I believe that this is part of the ongoing Zionist effort, in their control of American foreign policy, to dominate the entire Middle East, and I believe, dominate the world. I think America is occupied in many ways the way the Golan Heights is occupied, the way the West Bank of Palestine is occupied."

It believes? What the heck? This is all that our allegedly premium model that took tons of money to produce and I am not even going into the maintenance bills, is able to utter? In public? No, do not give me that faulty transistors shit. Is it so difficult to record a trivial message like "The Elders of Zions control everything!" instead of that watered down list of Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Pearl, Daniel Feith, Mr. Warmser, and Elliot Abrams?

Or look at this:

"Well, first off, I think we have to understand that there are certainly some Jews who oppose the Zionists"

What is that stinking mumbling? Cannot he tell the difference between a Jew and a Zionist? This after 55 years of field work? I mean, what are we here in the Elders' machine - some kind of a amateur production unit like these MPACUK
pishers who cannot take a leak without a manual?

"These radical, extremist Jewish elements such as Ariel Sharon, such as the neo-cons in Washington..."

The fuck is that? "Jewish" where it should be "Zionists"? Next thing you know he will put "Zionists" instead of "Jewish", where you and I will be in the outfit then? Oh, he already did... Good, you explain it to BB come next Sunday morning meeting.

Now a purely cosmetic issue: look at the unit's face panel.

I know that you have used a reptilian frame to build it, but for heaven's sake, can't you send somebody over to do something about that mug? It becomes more and more reptilian every year!

OK, Uri, I hope you got the message loud and clear, so take the finger out and start doing something about that putz of a field unit. Or else.

P.S. And stop ogling my new secretary. Yes, Rivka. Or you will be in a commando unit training Kurds in Iraq faster than you can say "Shma Israel" - I swear.

Kudos to Meryl for the tip.

13 December 2005

Court pardons smitten bra burglar

Nothing special on the news today. Sharon's party grows like a black hole, sucking up all the matter around that is not tied up carefully, Iranian pres' verbal incontinence does not abate (maybe a muzzle would help), etc. The weather in Israel is something the elders (not the Elders) do not remember since ...er ...whatever.

China, however, brings a refreshing breath of air. CNN tells a heartbreaking story.

A Chinese man who repeatedly broke into the home of a neighbor he secretly loved, at one point sneaking out with a bra and some photos, has been let off the hook by a Chinese court, Xinhua news agency said on Tuesday.

Police caught him red-handed in November walking out of the neighbor's apartment with a key to her door, a bra, two photographs and her MP3 player...

But the court in Harbin, capital of northeastern Heilongjiang province, dismissed harassment charges against the burglar. It heard that on the times he entered the woman's apartment while she was out, he had washed her dishes, done her laundry, left her snacks and even fixed her computer.

Some people have all the luck. But the beloved one is in need of an urgent consultation on the best way to behave toward that shlimazel. We talked with our Elders' marriage counselor (of course, she is aptly named Ruth), and here it comes:

Listen, dear: the price of a simple bra in China is not high, and what with the rates and the quality of nowadays house help, it makes a perfect economic sense to buy the bras by the bushel and continue the business as it is right now. Make sure he gets one for every housekeeping operation, and everything will be peachy.

The most important thing: in no eventuality marry this guy! The moment you do so, he will stop any housekeeping activities.

I know. I have stopped.

12 December 2005

Well, surely it is Jooz again...

Under a funny header "Syria denounces Beirut bombing" CNN reports on another "successful" car bombing in Beirut. Apparently another Lebanese guy fed up with Syria got into a wrong place at a wrong time.

And, of course, the explanation from the usual suspects came immediately:

"Dakhl-Allah dismissed such accusations and suggested that Syria's arch-foe Israel might have played a role."

Nu, well, of course it is Jooz. But doesn't it become boring after a while, dear Dakhl-Allah?
Couldn't you do the world a favor and 'fess up to something? Even something small will do. Like tell us that you have farted in the UNSC session or summat.

Mighty please!

commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Lunatics and their attraction to Holy Land.

(From a printed edition of Maariv, October 2005. No link found.)

From the beginning of 2005 248 tourists were refused an entry permit by the border police and the interior ministry and returned back on the next flight out, being identified as crazies.

Some anecdotal examples:

A German lady who explained that the sole reason for her visit is to get jailed in Israel. When told that to jail her she must commit a crime, she pissed in the airport lobby.

A man who, upon landing, entered the interior ministry rep. room, put a bundle with $30K on the table and said that he fell in love with Israel and decided to stay here for good.

An American who sat on the floor before the passport control and refused to proceed forward until a Mossad person talks to him. A Mossad person was indeed called and after a short discussion, the man got turned back.

Another American who didn't want to go through passport control, explaining that the only reason for his visit is to wish the best to the security guys in the airport.


The recommendation to the tourists in the article:

- Do not demand an immediate meeting with Mossad
- Do not tell that you are being pursued by international spy outfits
- Do not refuse to pick up your luggage from the conveyors
- Do not offer thousands of $$ to the airport employees
- Do not pass your waters in the passport control lobby

What bothers me now: what does this inexplicable attraction to this land tell about us locals?

Assad threatens the world as Mehlis submits his final report

Debkafile got this scoop today (not yet verified with other sources).

"In a special interview to the Russian TV station Rossiya, the Syrian president declared the Middle East and the whole world would suffer if Syria were subjected to UN sanctions."

I don't know... Is it some kind of indigestion plague making its rounds in the Middle East or, maybe, a light form of the bird flu?

I mean look at that sweet face, even the mustache is not up to the grown-ups standards.

Yet this boy is already so pissed off at life, universe and everything?

There must be some explanation to all these strange recent outbursts. As far as the Elders concerned, we have not done anything with him using our patented brain control rays. We swear - there was no need lately...

So who is messing up the boy's brain?

P.S. A confirmation from an Arab source:

"The Middle East is the heart of the world, and Syria is the heart of the Middle East," al-Assad said. "If the situation in Syria and Iraq isn't good, the whole region will become unstable, and the entire world will pay for that."

Oh boy...

11 December 2005

Iran's supreme ruler: Israel afraid

According to Ynet article, the Iranian chief rabbi (oops, sorry, chief Ayatollah, whatever this means), says that we are scared shitless. Obviously in expectation of that long arm of his pocket president we have already related to a day or two ago, that will reach us and do to us whatever it (the arm) intends to.

So, we, the Elders, have a few things to say about that:

Thing 1

Well, chief - when somebody says boo behind my back, I usually jump.
Upon the second boo, I am kinda less agitated
The third boo is already one boo too many.

And your Pres is booing non-stop, so the effect is already lost a looooong time ago.

Thing 2

We do, after all, believe in the all around relaxing qualities of MAD (no, we do not mean that magazine, besides you are not allowed to read it). So what now?

Thing 3

We have looked up your picture, Mr. Khamenei, here it is:

We are not very impressed by that beard and that finger. Take a good look at our Man here:

How is that for a beard and a finger? And believe me, he is in a good mood in this picture.

Pissed off, he will leave you standing where beard shaking and finger waving is concerned. A friendly advice - leave it alone. Or else.

(And we didn't even mention the glasses!)

Mofaz, promised Defense, joins Sharon's Kadima

That's the guy (from this article):

With the same straight-in-you-face no-nonsense expression of an old scarred battle-proven general, Mofaz explained about three weeks ago why Likud is the only place for him.

The same face was used about three days ago to explain that polls (polls - shmolls) are something not to be worried about and that the real winners will emerge after the Likud primaries.

And now - with the same firmness of belief in the chosen way he explains why it is his one and only correct decision... Oy vey...

On one hand - it makes sense when the rats leave a sinking ship. Rats are known for their high IQ, and when one can do nothing to save the ship, it is only reasonable to leave the captain alone to share the ship's fate. Especially this captain...

On the other hand - that new ship that the rats are choosing - how to make sure it will stay afloat under the collective weight of all the rats?

09 December 2005

The International Blogging Conspiracy

A poll of the best UK bloggers has to be won by Normblog or the Elders will be seriously pissed off. And when the Elders are pissed off we have to go and destabilise a few countries until we find our antacids.

So we require (note, not ask, require) you to vote for Norm Normblog.

Now just go there right now and do it. Or else our reputation as a shadowy cabal that controls world events is on the line.

And from now on read Norm's blog which is here at least once a day.
Remember, we are watching!


08 December 2005

The Jews, the Zionists and MPACUK

It seems that the education of the masses of MPAC followers could be improved, judging by the following message from one of their funs:

Written by altruism on 2005-12-07 11:38:22

"You say muslims are terrorists but you forget the fact that the Palestinian are terrorised in their own land by none other than the Jews or are they Zionists? Please clarify what they are so that i can label them correctly."

That would not do, dear friends! We think that you need to educate your people better, and to that end we have prepared some visual aids. Here is a typical Zionist with a Zionist flag:

Wait a minute - but he is obviously a Jew! See that scroll in his right hand?

OK, let's try another one, this must be a typical Jew:

This one is easer. But - what do you know - he is praying at the Zionist Wailing Wall, so he must be a Zionist!

It gets curiosier and curiosier. I really have a difficulty here.

Do you know what, dear MPACUKers? We can try badges. One will say: "Jew Zionist" and another will say "A good Jew". What do you all think?

On the other hand, if a person with a badge saying "A good Jew" moves to the Zionist Entity, somebody must take care of changing the badge. And vice versa. I foresee a potential for a lot of mix-ups here.

Oh, the heck with it! We do not need no stinking badges, all right? Just assume they are all bad Jew Zionists or potential fathers and mothers of bad Jew Zionists, OK?

Any questions?

Hands off MPACUK!

We, the Elders, watch with ever growing sympathy the painful processes that the (non-violent and peaceful) MPACUK is going through as the realisation of what is really going on is dawning in this team. If yesterday they have perceived the danger they are in as one single bullet:

today they see it in a more ominous way:

Oh, folks, if only the truth were that simple. Here is what the red-toothed Zionist killers had in mind for you:

But don't worry, our peaceful friends: we have already talked with some Zionists there in UK and explained to them the stark reality of the situation. We need you alive and well. After all, where would one find such a perfect breeding environment for purebred idiots as one that is called MPACUK?

Kofi steps into it again?

This article could not be verified by our agents at the moment, since this area of Manhattan is not of a special interest to us. However, if what it tells is true, it seems that Kofi's diplomatic abilities are not what one would expect from a person at this exalted level.

This is the prominent UN public display which was used to mark the commemoration of "International Day of Solidarity with the Palestinian People" on November 29, 2005. The Palestinian flag is on one side. The UN flag is on the other side. A map without the UN member state of Israel stands between them.

Somebody had a wet dream again? And you skipped the sheets check?

Duh, Kofi. Duh...

The kickdrum Directive

Our ever watchful Eye (do you like the new look and feel, BTW?) has been very busy lately, what with this and that. I mean, even being omnipresent and omnipotent, some details are slipping through the fingers, fall between the chairs and are generally left to subcontractors.

But the Elders' network is vast, and the most minuscule deviation or tremor is registered in it. Such a small tremor was registered and passed to me in my capacity as a junior Elder in charge of minuscule phenomena. In this case, it is related to a person or, rather, entity that calls itself kickdrum and as such is very active on a site named
PHXnews (sounds like a good brand name for an antacid remedy, but go figure) .

We have looked at the activities and the characteristics of that kickdrum entity. Nothing especially exciting came to light. kickdrum is concerned mainly with making sure that Jooz, Blacks, Spaniards, gays and others in that usual gentleman set of undesirables know their place in the food chain and otherwise. It (kickdrum) is purported to be of German origins by other posters, but this is neither here nor there.

Due to its apparent stupidity and generally revolting attitude and behavior, kickdrum is obviously one of our early "typical bigot mark 2.5" models that were discontinued quickly due to being too obvious and crude. Reportedly all the sets already in the field were recalled and recycled into vacuum cleaners, but in such a big outfit like ours some paperwork is always getting lost. We will not invest any effort and, especially, related travel expenses to destroy kickdrum, so we'll have to do some routine remote maintenance on this one.

In the framework of maintenance we have to deal with his 14 current complaints that should be read here in their entirety. We understand the problem and have contacted Dick and George via one of our Zioneocon stooges in the ZOG. And the results are quick, clear and satisfactory.

By a special Presidential Order, hereafter named "The kickdrum Directive" you, kickdrum, are allowed, as a special case, to:

1. Assert that the Jewish community controls government, the media, international business and the financial world".
2. Express strong anti-Israel sentiment.
3. Virulently criticise Israel's leaders, past or present, including use of swastika in cartoons or other works of art decrying the behavior of past or present Zionist leader. Use the term "Zionazi" as necessary or indicated.

4. Criticise the Jewish religion or its religious leaders or literature (especially the Talmud and Kabbalah).
5. Criticise U.S. government and Congress for being under undue influence by the Jewish-Zionist community (including AIPAC).
6. Criticise the Jewish-Zionist community for promoting globalism (the "New World Order").
7. Blame Jewish leaders and their followers for inciting the Roman crucifixion of Christ.
8. Diminish the "six million" figure of Holocaust victims.
9. Call Israel a "racist" state.

10. Assert that there exists a "Zionist Conspiracy". [A speciall Hehehe from the Elders on this one - you and we know why, don't we?]
11. Claim that Jews and their leaders created the Bolshevik Revolution in Russia.
12. Make derogatory statements about Jewish persons.
13. Deny spiritually disobedient Jews the biblical right to re-occupy Palestine.
14. Allege [indeed, claim] that Mossad was behind the 9/11 attack.

I hope that this will provide you a better and more natural cover as a stupid, bigoted, anti-Semitic retard (with or without some German ancestry).

If you ever feel a need to a) add some additional items to the above list or b) receive another special dispensation that will allow you to say things about African-Americans, Spaniards, gays or any other minorities, do the following:

1. Let your head slip (gently) out of David Duke's asshole

2. Say loudly "Ich Bin Farshtunkener" three times

3. Stick your head in the nearest toilet bowl

4. Clarify the nature of your need by producing appropriate bubbles

Your faithful creators,

The Elders Unlimited.

P.S. Re the complaint #6: we know you have been out of touch with the Elders, so be advised that the New World Order is up and running for the last 5 years, as initially planned. No need to promote or to fight against it any more.

Hattip: Meryl.

07 December 2005

Spiderman? WTF?

The folks from UK branch of MPAC, that nice anti-Zionist outfit that is, of course, halal and absolutely non-violent, have got a shocker of their lives. Better to let them speak for themselves, though:

MPACUK’s events co-ordinator had received a message from the University of Westminster saying they were cancelling the booking for the venue!

It seems like the Zionists who have been harassing MPACUK with death threats aiming to intimidate us into cancelling the event, are not satisfied with our adamant refusal to give in to their violent threats. The Zionist thugs had now turned on Westminster University – the venue for the debate – and made chilling threats, demanding they withdraw the booked venue for the event. To our astonishment, Westminster University have succumbed to these Zionist bullies.

Never before had the British Muslim public witnessed such an astonishing demonstration of the power of the Zionist lobby – live on TV!

Calm down, folks. It is year 2005, or, in the new calendar using year 2000 as the beginning of the new world order as we know it and you are getting to know (albeit slowly) - year 5.

So get used to the fact that nothing goes on unless we say it goes on. And never ask why, there is a (slight) possibility that we may decide to explain to you why - up close and personal.

Now to the issue of Spiderman. We never use the sticky louse - he is strictly NGO. Besides, the rates he quotes are too cheeky even for us, the Elders.

Both we and ZOG use the good services of 6ft lizards who do it almost for free and a few drops of blood - which we, as you know, have in abundance. Here is a pic of a lizard:

Hattip to Harry's place.
And thanks to the lizard for the pic.