12 November 2006

Sharon chooses coma

It's dark and raining. At the Tel Hashomer Hospital Shmil the orderly was on-call and about to spend the night attending the comatose Ariel Sharon. 'Everyone in the world but Mr. Sharon knows that he no longer is the Prime Minister' thought Shmil as he was pealing an Apple, while G' the Shabak security guard was sat in the corner of the room deep in sleep. Suddenly the silence is torn by apparatus coming alive, beeps are heard while flat lined monitors start indicating vitality; Mr Sharon is awakening.

"I haven't slept like that in a long time" cracks Sharon stirring in his bed. "Get me Adler, I have an idea for a new direction"

"Good Morning Sir" replies Shmil still munching on the apple, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm starving" replies the Ex Prime minister, "What this place, where am I?"

G' the Shabak security guard sleeps peacefully while Shmil outlines the Ex Prime Minister's medical condition.

"So, you're stuck with the Prime Minister tonight, eh?" chuckles Sharon

"I'm Sorry Sir, but you are no longer the Prime Minister…"

A few moments pass as Sharon internalizes the information "So who replaced me?"

"Olmert" replied Shmil.

"What! that Jerusalemite Putz, what does he know, what would happen if a war was to break out, would he know how to lead the IDF? Hell NO... Well, at least we can count on Minister of Defence Mofaz …"

"Erm Mr. Mofaz is Minister of Transport, Sir"

"So, who's got Defence then?" asks Sharon.

"Peretz" replies Shmil flatly.

"What, that old fart is still amongst the living?" bellows Sharon

"Eh, that's Peretz Sir, not Peres" recoils Shmil, now a little apprehensive.

"Damn, what's wrong with you all, has everyone gone mad, I take a small nap and you let a union leader take control of the Nations defenses? He wouldn't even know the difference between the factories in Dimona. Now listen man, go fetch Omri quickly, he'll sort this out no time".

"Sorry Sir, Omri is making his way to prison"

"Prison??? Prison! For that silly little thing? Then get me my lawyer, go and wake up Klagsblad"

"Ah yes, well Dori Klagsbald is already in the same vicinity as Omri, Sir".
"I knew I could count on Klagsbald" replies Sharon, visibly relived.

"Klagsbald is also in Prison Sir. See, he wasn't paying attention while driving and had this most unfortunate accident – a young woman and her child were killed"

"So get Yitzhaki then, Avigdor always knew how to "extricate" us out of situations like this…"

"Yitzhaki is also indisposed Sir, he 'extricated' a little too much with the taxes"

"I don't believe it, Yitzhaki? never. It must have been a stitch-up. Tell you what, go fetch the chief of Police"

"Well, he's a bit busy now with an investigation"

"Of course he is busy with an investigation, he's a Policeman"

"Sir, it's he who's being investigated".

Sharon takes a deep breath. "It can't be so, our legal system must have broken down. We have to extricate them from this mire. Call our Internal Security Minister, yes get Hanegbi…"

"Hanegbi has been indicted on a few counts of corruption and fraud, he's no longer the Internal Security Minister".

"So, get the Minister of Justice, whom did Olmert appoint to that position"?

"That would be Haim Ramon Sir".

"Well what are you waiting for? go get him"

"Can't Sir, he's been put up on a Lewd Assault charges"

"What! … OK ok… let's skip that. Just get Katzav, he's still the president, right"?

"Ah, well Sir, he's kind of limited in his ability to exercise his powers at present. He's up on five counts of rape and abuse of his office…"

"Damn that man, I knew something was fishy with that dirty old kaker; he used to get way too close when he talked… Listen, the situation is really bad, desperate measures are called for… Get me the Chief of Staff, march Bogie in here… sorry Halutz, he's ok, right?"

"Yes Sir, just this small thing with Stocks and Shares, nothing criminal, but that's the least of his problems; see there's this committee headed by a judge being set up to investigate the Lebanon War fiasco…"

"No, no, no. During the Lebanon Halutz was just starting out, barely getting to grips with a Piper cub"
"No Sir, that would be the Second Lebanon War, you were asleep, remember? … see Sir we are kind of… how shall I put it… Fucked Sir – we lost. But the Prime Minister says that we should all be patient, as we might yet be victorious after all…"

Sharon takes a deep breath and sighs, looking at the fluorescent lighting above. On his dresser a bunch of flowers is wilting, while G' the Shabaknik lightly snores. "Say, what's your name boychik?"

"Shmil Sir, my name is Shmil".

"So Shmil, what do you do here?"

"I'm the Orderly, Sir".

"Orderly you say. So Shmil do me a favor, don't tell anyone about this conversation".

"You can count on me Sir, not a word".

"I'm going back to sleep. Good luck…".

"Good luck to you too Sir".

"Oh… and my apologies"

"That's alright Sir, everyone's already forgotten".

Source: translated from an anonymous e-mail doing the rounds.