04 November 2006

Another towering achievement of FSB - the shroud talks!

More than hundred years of experience (if you count FSB's predecessors such as Okhranka, Cheka, NKVD and KGB) are not to be trifled with. After all, who else mastered to such perfection the ancient art of persuasion that requires infinite patience and perseverance, when it is vitally important to squeeze a confession from a reticent and hardy customer?

And now the whole world is a witness to this exceptional ability of FSB coming to serve both science and spirituality. A rare moment of truth. Now it is the mysterious Turin shroud that decided to talk, after hundreds of years of fruitless attempts by lesser forces of science, religion and simple curiosity.

Experts from the Russian Federal Security Service, the FSB have studied the shroud of Turin and found proof of it being indeed an image of a crucified man with wounds that Jesus Christ could have. Criminologists of the Federal Security Service subjected the shroud, believed to be Christ's grave clothes, to a number of experiments. For the purity of experiment, the shroud with an imprint of a human body was studied as an ordinary corpus delicti, regardless of its historical value.
That's the only way: objectivity and impartiality. Cool heads and burning hearts, as it was bequeathed by the great Iron Felix of the CheKa (PBUH).

Besides refuting the findings by American investigators (which is also a sacred part of years of tradition), FSB experts has shown their in-depth knowledge (naturally coming from the relevant experience), easily identifying the whipping marks, the blows on the nose and face, the marks on the back left by schlepping the cross and, of course, the traces of the nail wounds. I, for one, will not argue with this people and wouldn't lightly recommend this way to behave to anyone (well, almost anyone).

There is more, much more, and we get only a hint from another related article:
The FSB experts also reproduced the process taking place in flax fabric fibers when coming in contact with human flesh. A volunteer from among the Institute's researchers, a man with long hair, a beard and moustaches, worked himself to sweat on trainers and was then covered with a flax fabric almost similar to that of the shroud and was held under it for several hours.
I am not sure this is a full report. I bet the volunteer (oh well...) went through a more evolved sequence of tests than the brief mention above allows. I only hope the nail wounds have healed by now.

It may be interesting to know what this volunteer youngster 'fessed up to while being kept under the shroud. Probably enough for a summary execution...

Cross-posted on Yourish.com