23 June 2006

Keening for Cindy - a bitter end of the marriage

The news struck like thunder: Cindy, the best and the biggest dolphin of the Eilat Reef, dies of an undiagnosed malady. He lived a long life and left many offspring. He will be remembered fondly by his friends and wives.

Ynet reported the news of Cindy's marriage to that British lady less than 6 months ago, and nothing indicated that a disaster is looming.

"I'm the happiest girl on earth," the bride said as she chocked back tears of emotion. "I made a dream come true, and I am not a pervert," she stressed.

Tendler said she and her newly wed husband will probably spend their wedding night bowling.

The only possible note of discord in the quote above was that reference to bowling. Unless the reporter misheard or misunderstood the last word (which is probably the case, after all the bride was talking about the wedding night): we know for a fact that Cindy stated explicitly many times that he hates bowling.

We have decided to send our own investigator to discover a possible cause of the tragic death. He interviewed Cindy's friends and relatives, and a startling new picture develops from the witness reports. Here are some of the most revealing statements:

Sophie - one of the Cindy's ex-wives:

"You must understand that after 10 years of marriage to Cindy it was hard to be treated by him like a total stranger. During our random encounters he looked sideways, like he did not see me. But I know that he felt my presence perfectly well, I could see the signs [the witness blushes]! This new-fangled monogamy of his, curse it!"

Butch - Cindy's close friend and confidant:

"I am Cindy's bestest buddy, ya all know this. And I can tell you - something was not kosher with that marriage. Nice Jewish girl, rich, clever - but with all that Cindy would have been much better off staying with his girls and with his buddies here. Cindy still told me everything, you know what I mean, after all he was my bestest buddy [the witness winks]. Take these pajamas - several times he complained to me that he hates it when she buys him both the top and the bottom part. Cindy always hated to sleep in the bottoms. Or these business trips and headaches of her - what self-respecting dolphin that was used to ten wives, will not be pissed off by that attitude, if you know what I mean? She plain dissed Cindy.

And this food? Come on - vegan diet for a man like Cindy? I can tell you Cindy was not used to crap like this. Not only was he swallowing like a ton of fish every day before getting married, he used to snack on any seagull stupid enough to get too close. And more, which I cannot go into now, you know what I mean?"

Skippy - another Cindy's friend:

"Feck it all - this meidaleh plain finished Cindy off. I tell you - she come again here, I shall personally tear her to pieces. Zol eich azoy leibn. All these artsy-fartsy schticks of hers, all these haughty airs she put on. Come on, I gave her a slap on her behind, friendly like, you should have seen the production she made out of it. Cindy almost choked on a spinach pie (yeah, this is the dreck she forced him to eat). Oy vey. Feck it."

Shmuel - rabbi of the dolphin community of the Eilat Reef:

"I have been flippergasted when Cindy swam to me and told me he intends to marry this human girl. Listen, bubele, I said, she is a nice Jewish girl, it is true. It is not like you slunk away to Saudi coast and brought us a shikse. But she is human, for whales sake! And white! What would your mother (PBUH) say if she knew? She would bite you father's flipper off! But no, he does not want to listen, this young putz. And I told Miriam (that's my wife, may she live to be sixty) - Miriam, I said, it will all end in tears, I feel it in my kishkes."

And it all ended in tears.