22 August 2006

Scapegoating as a business

This post is divided into two main parts. Part 1 is addressing the Jews, Part 2 - the rest of the humanity. Both parts could (and should) be read by both parties, because this post will change what is humorously called "life" on this planet.

Part 1

Dear Jews - my brothers, sisters, parents, children, cousins, all the other assorted relatives I am not at all sure I want to know about and all the rest of my brethren!

For several millennia we have schlepped around the world, complaining about being chosen for some inexplicable reason, about the heat, the cold, the hunger, the overeating, the goyim and other Jews, in short - about everything under the Sun. We have tried a lot of professions, including even sports. This proved conclusively that Jews cannot jump and there is no future in jumping-related sports, however we could be lucky in the use of a slingshot, but there is no future in it too, since it is not in the list of the Olympic sports. We did much better in science, philosophy and literature, but these are not good for one's health, requiring long hours of sitting and reading, hence - piles and irregularity.

Commerce went better and has shown much promise, but that alleged and highly advertised deal, when one Jew sold another for only 30 shekels, created a perception of cheapness, clouding the business outlook and inevitably driving the stock down.

But now everything is going to change. Remember: this change is brought to you by your caring Elders, with a push in the right direction coming from one Akaky Bashmachkin, whose blog The Passing Parade you should read on the daily basis without my nagging, link to it at any opportunity and generally cherish. Specifically, the push I have mentioned was done by this post. And these words are going to serve as introduction to yet unwritten Book of Scapegoating, which will be used as a field manual by Jews all over the world:

Now, you maybe asking yourself, why the Jews? Why them and not, say, Eskimos or the Amish? Well, consider the years of experience they've had as scapegoats. We're talking about literally centuries of having to take it in the neck for someone else's complete lack of religious and economic understanding. This means that we are talking about a highly trained, completely professional group of scapegoats here, not some bunch of amateurs who saw your ad in the classified section of the Village Voice, stuck between the ads for unfurnished apartments for rent, transsexual dominatrixes, and all those Korean bordellos in the West 30's, and are willing to try anything at least once. Jews are on the job and ready for scapegoating when you need them, so you are not at the mercy of some fly by night scapegoat who's just in it for the cheap thrills and the money and who will disappear at the end of the week with all of your rubber bands and paper clips in order to set up himself up in the life insurance business. So remember, if your company needs a good scapegoat, don't settle for the second rate; get the best scapegoats money can buy. Remember, get Jews.

Unquestionably, Akaky is going to take the place of Angel of Scapegoating in the future Pantheon of Scapegoating, overshadowed by none (maybe accompanied by a few, no, make it one, Elder). The only reason I do not insist in declaring him a Deity of Scapegoating is that we kind of belong to monotheistic religions, both looking unfavorably at such attempts.

I believe you all understand by now the gist of the proposal: yes, we are going to become a nation of professional scapegoats. We'll reshape our own future together with the future of the rest of the world (not that we care, it is purely accidental). No more nervous breakdowns, no more histrionics, no more wars, no more ineffectual people in blue helmets trying to make themselves as small and as underground as possible while other people are trying to kill one another over their heads... Steady flow of income consisting of millions of micro-payments daily. No eligible Jewish adults remaining unoccupied. No preferred professions such as a lawyer or a doctor - everyone is a scapegoat! No more jealousy and envy, no more hating other's gefilte fish...

Now you are ready for

Part 2

Dear Goyim,

For several milennia you have done your not inconsiderable best to use us, the Jews, as scapegoats for various problems you have experienced during our common history. We are getting quite used by now to getting it in the neck for any imaginable (or unimaginable) reason and, as mentioned by the Angel of Scapegoating, one Akaky Bashmachkin (see Part 1), we got trained in this endeavor to the level hitherto unreached (there are some unconfirmed rumors about Assyrians, but there are no scientific proof, live witnesses or documents, so...).

Unfortunately, the art of scapegoating wasn't put on a really solid scientific/business foundation, leaving a lot of room for improvisation, self-expression and even abuse (see any book on the history of Jews). It was conclusively proved that group scapegoating as it was traditionally practised by the organized religion and politicians (anti-Jewish sermons, pogroms, etc.) does not bring the personal relief that is so sorely lacking. On the other hand, unregulated use and, especially, the lack of use of scapegoating, causes many uninformed people to be left without this vital channel for the relief of frequently unbearable urges. The end result - nervous breakdowns, mass psychosis, violence, wars, etc.

This new service is a final step on the way to total harmony, brotherly love and serenity for all. All of you - the oppressed, the exploited, the abused, the rich, the poor, the healthy, the terminally ill, the downtrodden and just momentarily pissed off - you have a solution now. And the name of the solution is - Personalized Scapegoating. No matter whether you have discovered that your spouse is cheating on you, or your bank account was cleaned out by your associate and best friend, or somebody just stepped on your toe in the bus - Jews will be available to blame.

All you have to do is to fill out a short claim form, available in every post office or a stationery shop nearby and designed in pleasing to the eye and relaxing colors, then put it in a mailbox (no postage required). You should clearly state your name and address, the nature of the offense you want a scapegoat for and your own monetary estimate of the offense level. Of course, a correct number of your valid credit card will greatly facilitate the response.

You will have to answer some questions regarding the contents of the customized scapegoating package to be delivered to you immediately after approval of your claim value and clearance of the payment. For example - do you want a picture of a big-nosed disgustingly looking Jew on the cover page, or, perhaps, you prefer one that depicts a meeting of Elders of Zion? What kind of a voiceover do you want on the movie clip provided in the package (DVD or VCR, possibility of download only in selected areas of the world): a professional artist reciting Mein Kampf, some selected scenes from The Passion of the Christ, Iranian animation for children, etc. If your scapegoating package has to include a simulacrum of a group of Jews for a specific scapegoating activity you have in mind, please specify the size of the group and its demography.

Our highly trained representative will deliver the package and help you with the first steps of its utilization. He or she will be available for some scapegoating activities, according to the attached contract and tariffs.

The world will never be the same again - this is a promise!

  • Approved by the WHO.
  • Yearly subscription available.
  • The scapegoating service is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
  • Local taxes not included in the quoted prices.
  • Checks are not accepted.
  • No COD.