19 August 2006

Nasrallah you never knew

After being forcibly pulled out of the closet by Will here, sheikh Hassan Nasrallah decided on a new policy: full openness.

Of course, the decision was made that much easier by the photo above, published without Hassan's explicit approval. But the first move was made by Nasrallah himself in this interview to the Turkish Labor Party daily, Evrensel, where he disclosed his latent socialist tendencies.

Being on very friendly terms with Counterpunch, we have asked the comrades to do a follow-up to that interview. Follows a transcript of a recording.

Q: Hassan, we are quite surprised, to put it mildly, to learn that in addition to your socialist aspirations, you have chosen the alternative lifestyle. Can you tell us more?

Hasan Nasrallah: Well, I was a sickly child, and one of my many health problems was severe constipation. The enemas were administered by a male nurse, due to the Sharia rules, and it was probably this fact that made an impression on my young and tender mind at the time. Then I was studying Islam in the Al Najah school - all boys, you know what I mean, and one thing led to another...

Q: But isn't your...er... lifestyle strictly forbidden by Islam?

Hasan Nasrallah: I am as strict follower of Islamic teaching as anyone. But, being an avowed socialist, I am also a strong supporter of a new brand of it, that will be an amalgam of the best in socialist ideology and in prophet Mohammed's (PBUH) teachings. I am writing a book now that will literally change the life of the young generation.

Q: Doesn't that ring in your right nipple carry what looks like David's star? And isn't that an Israely keyholder with a hamsa on your belt? Where do you purchase your stuff anyway?

Hasan Nasrallah: Oh, that's simple. You see, I have many socialist links with the Tel-Aviv Mossad colleagues, and what with my frequent visits to the HQ there, I have a lot of free time to mingle with the crowd, you know. As a matter of fact, my Mossad handler, Chaim, is a "feigaleh" himself, so... [blushes]

As a matter of fact, I have participated once or twice in the gay parade in Tel-Aviv, of course, incognito. Here [produces a photograph] you can see me on the right side of that picture:

I turned to conceal my face, and the bra covers my rings to avoid easy recognition. As for the beard, you may know now that it's a stick-on one from a London shop. High quality stuff, I can tell you, and totally halal.

Anyway, I made a lot of friends in Tel Aviv, and they call me Hezy now. That's a compromise between Hezbollah and Hassan, although to tell you the truth no one knows how to spell that cursed name: Hezbollah, Hizbullah, Hizbollah... who cares, for that matter? But you can call me Hezy too, if you wish.

Q: Wow! Hezy, we are flabbergasted... But what do your Iranian Ayatollahs friends say about all this?

Hezy: Aw, come on, we are all in this jihad business together, you know. What is a small difference of tastes between friends? You say potato, I say... [starts tap dancing, visibly animated by the subject]

Q: But... but... about that promise to remove all the hijabs that person SnoopyTheGoon mentioned in that post here?

Hezy: Oh, that SnoopyTheGoon. One miserable Zionist imperialist running lackey dog of a blogger, AIPAC stooge and whatnot. You wait till I get to him. I have just bought myself a good lash in that S&M shop on Allenby, with barbs in it...

But you were asking... oh, yes, hijabs. To tell you the truth, I could care less about what is hidden under them hijabs. Not my cup of yogurt, as you already know. But as a socialist, one must do what one must do, so it is off with the hijabs.

Let me better show you that new latex underwear I have just bought in the same shop [becomes even more agitated]...

[The rest of the recording is a mix of indecipherable noises]