01 December 2006

A business proposition

I have stumbled today on this wondrous art workshop that offers many an object of beauty and worship, catering to a specific slice of population. I was particularly interested in this figurine:

So much so that I have decided to initiate a joint venture with the Ozarks Craft. To this end I have sent them a letter, part of which I am publishing here, in the hope that more publicity will have a positive effect on the success of our enterprise.

Dear gentlemen of Ozarks Craft,

I am an ex-Israeli citizen, now happily quadruply married Muslim citizen of Benin. Recently I came into a sizable inheritance, you can check the ways and means that helped me here.

After a short acquaintance with the attractive and beautifully crafted samples of art on your esteemed site, I have been consumed by an idea that may be of benefit to both sides. I think that expanding the marketing effort to additional circles of potential buyers will have a great positive impact on your sales and will allow me to enjoy some humble commission from your financial bonanza.

The gist of my proposal is to start a marketing effort among Jewish and African-American population of your great country, with possible future expansion to Muslim environs, starting with my current place of residence - Benin.

To increase the attractiveness of your figurine and the associated garment as presented above, I would suggest to make a few minor modifications for the new market:

  1. Coloring: pink will be our preference. See the prototype here. The color of the prototype appeared to be unstable when put through a washing cycle.
  2. A possibility to replace the KKK sign by Star of David (size, coloring and other specs enclosed)
  3. An accessory that will quickly raise the (very low) hem of the garment to approximately the level of genitals, to enable running to (or from) the enemy of the people, whoever he/she happens to be at the moment.
  4. A model for women - without the above mentioned accessory, the womenfolk should not be able to run away at will. Some decorative additions are described in the attached specs.
To jump-start our enterprise, please consider shipping a first consignment of your esteemed wares (of 10,000 samples) to the enclosed address. In addition, to initiate the first transfer of the considerable amount of funds to your account, please submit with the shipment your credit cards and social security IDs.

As a personal favor, please enclose one figurine exactly as it appears in the picture above. With the glowing eyes, if you will, and an enclosed battery.

I am confident in the enormous success of our joint venture and am looking forward to the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Yours truly...

I shall notify my readers about the (undoubtedly positive) response and the future business developments.

(and some percentage of future profits) to SV.