28 February 2006

Jooz stole the salt?

HAMISH ROBERTSON: Events in Moscow last week pointed to some strange conundrums in the Russian capital.

Why are some public buildings unable to bear the weight of snow in a city renowned for its severe winters, and why are Muscovites frantically stockpiling salt?

But in the past couple of weeks, salt has been disappearing from the shops, as Russians engage in a frenzy of panic buying.

As Emma Griffiths reports, the causes of this salt-scare are difficult to trace.

Nikolay is an elderly man carrying his shopping bags of cabbages. He has his theory.

"Zionists have triggered this crisis," he says. "They've taken over the country and are now trying to arrange a salt crisis like they did before perestroika, when there were shortages of tobacco and washing powder. They do it all deliberately."

So, we, the Jooz, have been caught again. Just in two short weeks we have:

  • Blown up a famous mosque
  • Spread the bird flu over half a world
  • Incarcerated a saint of all Aryan people (and some non-Aryan I could mention, but wouldn't - they are too sensitive lately), using Aryans to do so too
  • Buried some nuclear dump over all the Muslim countries (the last time I am using the d-word for the next month or two, I swear!)
  • And now, like babies, we are so easily caught stealing salt

OK, fine, time to 'fess up. You see, we have done a terrible mistake, filling up most of the Dead Sea with crude oil. It's right that we have now more oil than we'll ever know what to do with. But the main source of the world salt is gone. Finished, kaput! Even if we ever get a way to dig the salt out, it will be so permeated by oil, no one will agree to lick it. Ever.

So, of course, our emissaries are buying up the salt all over the globe. Then we'll start reselling it, and believe me, what you ever called oil crisis will be a joke in comparison.

Hat tip: Judeosphere

Cross-posted on Yourish.com