25 April 2006

Mahmoud A. as a stand-up comedian

That funny Iranian bloke Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is certainly redefining the envelope of the stand-up comedy, boldly and vigorously fighting his way to the top of this crowded genre. His new solo show tentatively named by Haaretz Iranian president says Israel cannot continue to exist is receiving rave reviews.

Before we go to the program itself, it must be mentioned that Mahmoud decided to spruce up for the new show. Most probably he is using that Saddam's tailor who is now out of a lucrative commission and is pining for new Names to add to his client list.

Of course, Mahmoud still looks like a village idiot, but this cannot be helped. At least he is a jacketed village idiot now. Now to the show itself.

In wide-ranging remarks, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Monday that Israel was an artificial state that could not continue to exist.

All states are artificial, Mahmoud. This is the second lesson a politician should learn, immediately after mastering that shit-eating grin you seem to perform with a certain flair.

"Some 60 years has passed since the end of World War II, why should the people of Germany and Palestine pay now for a war in which the current generation was not involved," Ahmadinejad told a press conference.

That's the way we, the Jooz, control the world, bro. It is called paying by installments. We have decided lots of years ago not to extract the full payment at once. That Shylock story is a good lesson: if you extract a vital organ, the rest of the body will not bring you money afterwards.

"Open the doors [of Europe] and let the Jews go back to their own countries," the president said Monday. He added that Europeans should jettison their "anti-semitism" to enable Israelis to "return" to their continent, and "allow Palestinians to decide their own fate and live freely."

We are real touched by your worry about the "anti-semitism" in Europe, Mahmoud. We believe that it is a passing phenomenon, and after another 50 or 100 million of your fellow Muslims move there, that scourge will be eradicated completely. Re the proposed move to Europe: as we have already agreed, we are ready to move to the place so far called Italy. But the locals, who were posted about that decision on time, keep dragging their feet. Their last reason for delaying their removal is that Fiat (that shitty brand most of them use) cars and trucks are not able to cross their borders, breaking down a few kilometers after the crossing. For crying out loud!

Ahmadinejad also hinted that Iran would consider withdrawing from the United Nations nuclear agency if membership produced no benefit. "What has more than 30 years of membership in the agency given us?" he asked rhetorically at a press conference.

Well, it kept you and your place from becoming so much molten glassy surface good only for cockroaches. It must count for something, ain't it?

The last but not the least:

Ahmadinejad often gives long, rambling speeches but Monday was one of the rare occasions when he allowed foreign journalists to question him. He seemed to enjoy the encounter, making jokes and putting questions to the reporters.

Putting questions to the reporters is really bad technique. These folks do not know a question from shinola, and the resulting confusion really lowers the class. Avoid at all costs.

Now be a good fellow, listen to our advice and the next time we are in Tehran we might drop by to see your show. Or just drop something on your place, whatever comes first.

Cross-posted on Yourish.com