03 March 2006

On the stealth shark project

The bottom feeders from Aljazeera got on the smell of something brewing. As always, not being privy to the real sources of information, they are guessing.

"The US Defence Department is funding research into neural implants with the ultimate hope of turning sharks into "stealth spies" capable of gliding undetected through the ocean, the
British weekly New Scientist says. The research builds on experimental work to control animals by implanting tiny electrodes in their brain, which are then stimulated to induce a behavioural response."

"The Pentagon hopes to exploit sharks' natural ability to glide quietly through the water, sense delicate electrical gradients and follow chemical trails," says the report, carried in next Saturday's New Scientist.

Poor Aljazeera... This is so last century it is laughable. OK, we'll show the Doha scribes some of the real stuff.

For quite a few years some of the Elders' marine dept. were concerned with use of all kinds of fish for various purposes. These sharks with electrodes is chicken feed, really. Today we are talking about whole motherboards installed in some fishes, not to speak about assorted armory, cameras and stuff. The first time an armed shark was presented to the world was here;

This is a result of one of the earlier, crude development stages. Such a laser-equipped shark (called a "frickin' shark" in professional lingo) is used only for freak-out operations, when all life on the beach (or at the poolside, does not matter) should be burned out indiscriminately.

More sophisticated fishes are used for reconnaissance or focused attack operations. A shark, equipped with a guiding mechanism based on GPS locator and a pre-programmed path, could either provide the Center (otherwise also called the Centre) with a live video feed or attack the target, or both. Here is one example:

You can see the first, historic snapshot of Saddam's wife being hoisted out of the water by the guards. Of course, it is only her posterior that could be seen, but for a trained attack fish this picture will be more than enough to identify and take out the person dressed in that bathing suit.

We, in the Outfit, call this picture historic, since it was the opener for a new and exciting military application of trained fishes. Since then, our Butt-Biting Corps (BBC - not to be mixed with that media outlet) has grown into a fearsome and disciplined underwater army.

BBC is supported by a large Logistic Surface Department (yes, we know that it is an unfortunate choice for an acronym, but this is a tradition already and cannot be changed). The role of LSD is to gather and update a collection of bathing suit snapshots for every VIP in the world. Should a need for an action regarding the VIP arise, our BBC will be up to any mission.

For example:

Notice the cool and elegant style of Jacques Chirac, the politically correct color chosen by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the chaste model selected by Ayatollah Khamenai.

Of course, the tactics chosen for identification of the target are not without a fault. For example the "mysterious" attack on an woman near central California coast is a result of a lady wanting to snub a wife of an unidentified general by ordering the same bathing suit. Too bad. And the general wasn't happy that his request wasn't carried out immediately, I can tell you.

Well, I hope you are sufficiently impressed by now. And we wouldn't tell you for a while about the total success achieved with our genetically modified piranhas trained to use drainage pipes to gain access to swimming pools, about our deathly poisonous turtles, about... oh well, this is classified for now...

Cross-posted on Yourish.com