26 March 2006

OK, OK, enough, we confess!

Under a red colored headline: Like U.S. "“bad apples"”, Israel'’s terrorists are "“lunatics"”, Aljazeera (the .com variety - our favorite loony bin) people scream at the whole universe about their "discovery" of the Israeli dastardly plot: that of destroying the holy sites of Christianity and Islam using so called "lunatics". (For first time users: that "lunatics" passes for sarcasm in Aljazeera.com).

In other circumstances, we, the Elders, would have fought like mo... like fearless lions to protect our good name. But, taking into account the current relaxed secrecy guidelines and the general openness, coupled with absolute impossibility to reason with Aljazeera.com, we have decided to 'fess up. We hope to put the whole story of this poorly planned and eventually failed operation behind us forever.

It started, like many other failures, with some intern in the Operations trying to be too clever for his own good. Of course, the Chief of Operations, in a hurry to get to Switzerland for some cosmetic surgery, did not check the details and just signed the whole shebang off. How typical!

The goal of the operation was simple: to raze the Church of the Annunciation in Nazareth city to free the place for a new 3D model of the Second Temple for tourists. The means were simple: 3 Hollywood actors playing a totally demented family, only partly Jewish, and some explosives for them to throw around to blow up the church with everyone inside. The only thing that appeared to be not so simple was execution of the plan.

The problems started during the training, that was supposed to be short. However, the lead actor, Chaim Topol:

playing the role of Haim Habibi:

- head of the family, refused to move a finger before his special food, designed and cooked by a certain monk in Tibetan monastery is provided twice a day (at quite a cost for the Air Force, I have to add).

Meryl Strip:

Who played the role of the Polish wife, Vivian Habibi (on the left in the picture below):

demanded an exorbitant sum for the role (measly 10 minutes of playing), and only combined pressure of some Zionist Hollywood producers and US ZOG succeeded to reduce the amount significantly. As a result, the training started much later than planned. In the middle of the training course she decided that she should become Jewish and requested a full course in Cabbala

Winona Ryder:

targeted for the role of the daughter Odelia Habibi:

agreed much easer, after a shopping spree in Tel-Aviv was promised. However, she demanded a separate trailer and a whole team of masseurs, hair stylists, etc. with a personal rabbi on top (of the team, that is).

Still, the training progressed albeit too slowly and causing the Elders' a lot of grief and heartburn, but still progressed.

The disaster waited in the guise of the final briefing, conducted by that arch-Zionist Shimon Peres. Here you can see him with the team leader Chaim/Haim and Uri Geller.

Uri Geller's role in this fiasco couldn't be disclosed. (In fact, nobody knows what the role was and, moreover, whether Mr. Geller could possibly do something useful for the operation, it is just that nobody wants to deal with that character. You know how it is with these supernatural types - no one believes in them, but to be on the safe side...)

Anyhow, Peres suffers lately from a nervous twitch in his left eye - a usual pre-election malady of his. The deputy Chief of Operations, being new on the job, was not familiar with this phenomenon, and the result was disastrous. Suffice to say that the "firecrackers" that the trio was supposed to throw around in the church and that in reality should have been full of a new super-secret and super-powerful explosive, were replaced by... firecrackers. The gas containers, instead of a mix of cyanid and nerve gas were filled by CO2 - the stuff used for making soda, for crying out loud!

The rest is history. The only thing left to mention was the role of a Vatican representative who was supposed to publicly forgive the so called "Habibi family" for the sin of destroying (ha!) the Church (on the right in the picture below):

Really, we have expected a better improvisation from Nicolas Cage! So what if the forgiveness was to be issued posthumously? A professional must not be deterred by a small thing like this.

Well, this is the whole story in a nutshell, and I hope it will pacify the Aljazeera (.com) friends for a while (fat chance!)...

Just a question regarding the following sentence in the linked article:

Arabs history is rich with incidents were Muslims and Christians carried the flag of unity defending Islamic and Christian holy sites in the occupied Palestine and elsewhere.

How is that (rumors only, of course) history of cases where churches were destroyed - from Constantinople to Kosovo and Nigeria being qualified by your august news organ? Tourism? Rest and Recreation? Urban renovation? Confusing, innit?