16 September 2007

A message to Larry, a concerned citizen

Frequently we (the Elders) encounter messages from "a concerned citizen". Usually we do not bother with anything signed by anyone less than a head of state, and even then we are quite choosy. But from time to time we stumble upon a message of such refreshing naivety that we just cannot remain indifferent. Besides, we are allowed to show concern at our spare time, which is right now in the midst of the High Holiday.

So, Larry, a very concerned U.S. citizen, writes to all who may be concerned:

I fear the majority of good people in the Middle East do not realize how much the U.S. is controlled by Israel and her henchmen in Washington, D.C. All one need do is study the influence wielded by the neocons and their cohorts in our State Dept. to see how far down the road Israel has led the U.S. since the end of WWII.
And more. So, in order to spare Larry the anguish and the wear and tear of his stomach lining and his esophagus (whatever it means, but ain't it a nice word?), we have prepared a special, individual and very open letter:

Dear Larry,

Thanks for your letter of concern. Of course, we, the Elders, do not like to see anyone in a state of excitement that may be detrimental to his/her health. So we have decided to put a few issues straight and to do everything to calm you down. The best way to do it is to let you know as many pertinent facts as possible, since knowledge is the best cure for your disease.

First of all, Larry (your real name is not Larry, and we and you know it): our control of the world, let alone one measly State Department is now absolute as far as our reach and control are concerned. To say that it all started after WW II is to neglect several millenniums of slow but controlled encroaching upon every governmental or private power source, which was completed on December 31, 2000, at 23:59 with takeover of the tribal committee of Papua New Guinea.

And pointing fingers at our control of the mass media is really naive and misleading. Mass media is so seventies! Just to give you an inkling of our level of control and our depth of reach, we'll be sending you your real name, address, a list of your children's hobbies and some non-damaging pictures of your mistress in ... (no, we are not going to blackmail you, there really is no need for such crudeness). We'll not use FedEx - we have enough of your neighbors who will be happy to oblige, you know.

Now a few suggestions. Your Alsatian is in need of a surgery, due to the hip bone problem - it is a hereditary trait with many of these otherwise fine dogs. The toaster you have is a fire hazard, you should throw it out and buy a new one. Your son may need a sinuses treatment, but what you are afraid of as his relatively high masturbation frequency is quite fine. Unlike yours, which is really a bit too extreme, especially coupled with that habit of watching horror movies during the act. And that curtain over your French window is loose, so your neighbors on that side know all about it.

So Larry (oh well, for your privacy sake) - relax, you are in good hands and everything is under control. You have to understand our benevolence and good will, and then everything will be just peachy, and mind your digestion - it is the key to happiness, really.

Your sympathetic Elders.

P.S. And in the future try to park your Toyota (Camry, 2005) a bit farther down the road when visiting the girlfriend we have mentioned above. The neighbors have started gossiping.