26 August 2007

On the next move by the Elders

Dear citizens of USA!

(By now you know that this message doesn't bode well, and you are right).

You have already had the first inkling of the changes coming to the continent of North America and you have already seen this map - vague and general as it is.

Since the Elders have already made sure of the outcome (resistance is futile and detrimental to your health, be assured) and since the story we have initially tried to laugh off is already out, I was given the green light to publish the details of our latest operation that was put in motion several years ago and is now close to completion.

I shall have to start from times immemorial, so be patient for a while. You see, as the popular lore goes, Jacob has fathered 12 sons and one daughter. This is not strictly true. To give you a hint: which floor is usually missing in many US hotels?

Anyhow, as our archives show, there was another son. He was aptly named Zichron-Yaacov, or "Jacob's memory" for several reasons: first of all, no one of Jacob's wives wanted to confess to the birth of the unluckily numbered son. Secondly, due to his failing memory, frequent pregnancies in the family and what with spending a lot of time abroad (business, business) and all that coming and going, Jacob misremembered the sequence of events and wasn't totally sure which wife was due to produce the offspring. Lastly, it didn't matter that much really, so Jacob just went back to his business and the boy was raised by the whole tribe.

However, when the sons were up to dividing the heirloom, it was clear that Zicky is not getting any - no sane person will divide his place into that unlucky number of pieces. Thus, being given a ship, a number of slaves and concubines, Zichron-Yaacov was sent away with a vague blessing and an order not to come back under any circumstances lest he wants to be set upon and teared to bits by the other 12 fierce (and strapping) brothers.

To make the long story short - Zicky and his team, due to the vagaries of sea travel and the winds, got to the Central America somewhat earlier than Columbus, settled there, were fruitful and multiplied and this is how we have the Maya, the Aztecs and all that. As for the written language - Zicky was so pissed off with his family that he ordered his scribes to invent a new one, for which purpose a mix of Yiddish and Chinese was chosen. And if you have ever wondered about that peculiar similarity between nachos and matzo bread, now you know better...

With the advent of DNA and all that scientific crap, the facts above were double-checked by our eggheads, and the results were unequivocal. So you understand by now why we, the Elders, have the interests of state of Mexico foremost in our minds and why there will have to be some changes in the NA. Sorry, folks, but it cannot be helped - the family comes first, and besides we want to make up to Zicky's descendants.

So, to start with, we have been concerned lately with that resistance to the peaceful migration of our brothers from Mexico north. The debates in the Congress and the Senate, the obstructionism, this ridiculous fence (notice that its construction has been slowed down - we decided not to provide our Mexican brothers to help out anymore, so here you are) - this must be resolved.

Thus, the solution will be carried out in three (as usual) steps:

  1. Construction of the Mexico-Canada highway
  2. Population of Canada by our relatives
  3. Pincer movement from the North and South to overwhelm the US
I hope the picture is clear?

Oh, and there was some concern about the fate of Kansas City and the wide swath through it that we'll have to cut for the 15-lane (yes, it is 15 - each direction) road. Sorry again, folks, but Kansas City will have to go. It is my personal point and I got a special permission from the Elders' Council, so see it as a fair warning. Next time when a person asks for his steak to be medium-rare, do not try to persuade him that these cinders are what he really asked for...

As a consolation, we can promise that what you used to call Mexican food in US will be eradicated and replaced by the real stuff. Which is just yummy!

So relax and wait for the developments.