14 July 2008

Cow farts and the great vegetarian conspiracy

Under the guise of objective scientific research, some dark forces are conspiring against us, the nice and happy carnivores. This is the inescapable conclusion of looking at the recent goings on in some places. Headlines like these:

Scientists are examining cow farts and burps in a novel bid to combat global warming.


Eating beef 'is less green than driving'

cannot but alert us to the danger of continuing to ignore the cloud gathering over our steaks, our burgers and our fried chicken. No more can we pretend that nothing is going to change our ways and our habits. Remember the fate of smokers!

To start with, take a look at this:

In a bid to understand the impact of the wind produced by cows on global warming, scientists collected gas from their stomachs in plastic tanks attached to their backs. The Argentine researchers discovered methane from cows accounts for more than 30 per cent of the country's total greenhouse emissions.
If this is not enough of a warning, I don't have a lot of hope to wake you up. Anyway, here are the first steps to be carried out immediately:
  1. Check out the dietary preferences of these "Argentine researchers" - most probably a cell of secret tofu-munchers and soy worshipers.
  2. Publish their names and addresses - the average Argentine Joe will not take kindly to this perversion.
  3. Organize an anti-vegetarian team of scientists and reuse same plastic tanks the pervs attached to cows on the human vegetarians.
  4. It should be clear to any unbiased observer that a human vegetarian produces more so called "greenhouse emissions" (why not call a fart by its name?) than any cow, cow's stomachs being much more efficient in processing vegetable stuff.
  5. After the stark truth is out there for all to see, start culling vegetarian population. Or, at least, find a way to stop the "greenhouse emissions". Like this.

Carnivores of the world! Before it's not to late, before your health ministry starts stamping your steaks with all kinds of revolting warnings, before the clique of tofu-munchers takes over your life as you know and like it - unite and fight!

Viva Portehouse! Hurray to Steak Tartar! Asado forever!