Spanking Sarah Palin? Maybe, but to spank Timothy Bancroft-Hinchey?

Spanking. A subject that somehow strangely fits that proud double-barreled British name: Timothy Bancroft-Hinchey. Spanking, just like the predilection to double names, seems to have deep roots in the soil of Albion. I hope my British friends wouldn't take it personally, since no offense is intended, but one of the most popular posts on this here blog is Time for some spanking, Bibi? Written three years ago, it is still one of the all time hitters and most of the hits come from UK. All that because of search term "spanking".

Anyhow, let's proceed to another peculiarity of Great Britain: the institution of English Language Teacher abroad. I am ready to be corrected, but it seems already hundreds of years since British seventh sons without any prospects of an inheritance, without any discernible talents and not attractive enough to snag someone's daughter with a dowry, were sent off to foreign parts as English Language Teachers. I don't know much about their full life cycle, it's not a subject widely discussed in literature, but probably at the end of their useful life they were buried in the foreign soil by the last family hosting them, somewhere between the beloved horse (dog) and the garden toolshed.

Timothy Bancroft-Hinchey, in his own way, continues this tradition. Here is (purportedly) his picture:

Unfortunately, I have no way to establish the authenticity of the picture, since it, just like the whole person, could easily be an invention of some anti-British cult (here are some hints on the subject). But if the real TBH exists, I shall be happy to publish his picture here.

TBH, obviously lacking any talent to speak of and, most probably, not being in line for inheritance, has chosen to become a sort of a modern English Language Teacher, by selling his mediocre ability to write in this language to several Russian media sources, chief of which is Pravda. I have to say, in way of a compliment, that even in the poisonous anti-Western and anti-democratic atmosphere of the yellow tabloid that Pravda became, Timothy Bancroft-Hinchey succeeds to keep the lead as a poisonous anti-Western and anti-democratic hack without any scruples.

It appears that Mr Bancroft-Hinchey developed a passion. This passion is his explosive hate of Sarah Palin. I am not going to defend Sarah Palin here. It's not my business or my inclination, besides she will be perfectly able to do it by herself, giving she can get  close enough to Mr Bancroft-Hinchey for a personal response. It is more about his unusual, even outstanding hate. The first manifestation of this hate I was able to find is this short article Palin – the Devil in disguise (sic!). Even in such a short opus, Sarah got several expletives (and worse) leveled at her:

• Mrs. Nobody know-it-all shreiking [indeed this what he's written - "shreiking"] cow from Alaska
• the joke of American politics, plied with a couple of vodkas before letting rip in front of incredulous audiences
• ridiculous figure
• Mrs. Hockey Mom housewife-cum-small-town gossip merchant and cheap little guttersnipe
• pith-headed little bimbo from the back of beyond
• So next time suppose you keep your mouth shut and while you’re at it, make sure the members of your family keep their legs shut too.

Yeah... not bad for a day's work, is it? Now you know that Pravda's rubles don't come easy. You also know how bad Timothy Bancroft-Hinchey got it for Sarah Palin. So bad that it totally screws up his thought process, whatever there was to start with. Here is his latest opus on Sara: Spankin' Sarah Palin: A clown short of a circus. From the first statement, the author shows that he is deadly serious:

I have already called Sarah Palin a pith-headed bimbo from the back of beyond, in this column. I shall now go one step further.

You can see how proud he is of that "pith-headed bimbo" turn of phrase. Yes, that "pith" shows that he is either British or does his best to play one. After this display of professional (oh well...) pride, our friend Timothy proceeds to the premise of his whole piece. And the premise is so stupid that, aside of following the new wave of expletives, there is no need to read the rest. Here it is:

By attacking the democratically elected President of the United States of America at a sensitive time in her country's history, she shows the tact of a boorish drunkard bawling obscenities at a funeral.

This one is a doozy. Really. Either TBH is indeed a Russian parody of a Brit or his 40 years of work for the sewer press have annihilated the last remains of democratic instincts in his puny brain. Only a person to whom the serfdom in the current Russian two-czars-regime seems like a natural environment, could produce such a shining example of nincompoopery. Only a serf's mindset could find an "attack" of the POTUS to be in any sense abnormal. TBH is so incensed by this effrontery that he really goes all out for Obama. Here is how:

• Hockey Mum Sarah ex-Governess of Alaska is famous for her shrill shrieking [this time he got a handle on this difficult word] style...
• a pitifully shallow persona
• a real-life female version of Homer Simpson-cum-Belching Barney at Mo's
• she sets herself up as the dumbest woman on Earth
• Sinister Sarah Palin
• screaming, unrefined oaf with as much class as a searing release of flatulence [Have you notices the mention of class? Speak about double barreled names...]
• a pitifully inadequate anachronism

While he is laughing at Sarah's frequent bloopers:

Sinister Sarah Palin then goes on to insinuate that she is an advocate of cyber terrorism...

If you know what this one means, please let me know.

Now on TBH's total lack of understanding of modern America's problems:

Sarah "We're all Arizonans now" Palin, cracking down on immigrants when the US of A is after all a country formed by...whom?

And another outstanding sample of TBHs' drooling at Obama:

To attack the President of the country at a time when the USA needs to close ranks and stand together to consolidate the enormous strides his intelligent and respectful approach has achieved in building bridges, when her party's period in government bombed them...

It really makes one suspicious: is Obama a Putin's secret buddy, which fact is known only to Putin and to TBH, by any chance? "Enormous strides"... "his intelligent and respectful approach"... wow, it's almost NK style when talking about the one and only Kim... Even Putin rarely gets such a thorough brownnosing.

Whether Timothy Bancroft-Hinchey really exists or is a product of some anonymous Russian joker fertile mind, he might as well be real. He might have some uses, although his ability to insult people is mediocre, due to obvious lack of imagination and brain cells. But, being himself an incontrovertible proof of fallibility of contraceptives, he could be put on display in central cities of China to further reduce the birthrate there. Instead of trying to bite some other people's knees and humping his masters' legs.

Afterword: And Andrew Sallivan enjoys it: Seriously: "it's rip-roaring stuff...". What a perverted joy... Does Mr Sallivan realize whose eruption of excrement he is enjoying so much?

Update: How could I have missed it? Two articles by Matt Gurney, Assistant Editor, Comment, and a member of the National Post Editorial Board. First of all, Matt participated in a debate with this character, so there is a chance he exists. Secondly, a quote that is simply sublime:

This man hates more things than Naomi Klein.

He he he...