22 July 2009

When a woman cries: memo for a man.

The author of the following remarkably clear and handy manual is unknown, the text, as it came to my attention via e-mail, was in Russian, so it's Google and I to blame...

  1. First, try to find out whose woman she is. When this woman is somebody else's, it will be unsafe to try to comfort her. If she's is nobody's woman, get her for yourself. Now, if she continues to cry, it would be quite clear that she is crying from happiness.
  2. When a crying woman is yours, do not leave her alone, because then people all around may think that she's nobody's woman and then - see 1. Be attentive to her and as close as possible in the circumstances, which means that you shouldn't get away farther than the distance where her voice will not be heard. Do not lose the sight of her (see 1.). Use binoculars if necessary.
  3. Questions you cannot ask a women in tears: a) What do you want? b) Who is to blame? and c) What can I do? The answer to the first question could be painful to your purse, while the answer to the second and third - to your pride.
  4. You don't have to flee in response to woman's tears. You don't need to save anyone. You shouldn't punish anyone. Because it will eventually appear that you should have done the opposite of saving and/or punishing.
  5. It is a fallacy to bring gifts to a crying woman. Better hand her a packet of tissues. Remember, gifts should be given only to a happy woman. It develops a useful conditioned reflex and pleasant behavior.
  6. If you followed rules 1-5 and the woman continues to cry, but stays with you and doesn't go to somebody else, then she really needs to be comforted by you. Show her your sad and concerned face. To do this you may have to put aside your binoculars and to come closer.
  7. You do not have to listen to what the crying woman says. The thing to do is to sigh deeply during a pause and to hold her tenderly between the pauses.
  8. To really ace it, let a tear slide down your unshaven cheek. At this point the woman normally forgets about her own troubles, is frightened and starts to comfort you.
Addendum: When a man cries: memo for a woman.
  1. Try to be tactful. Pretend, at least for a while, that you didn't notice the restrained sobbing of the male.
  2. If the sobbing is not restrained - pat the man on the shoulder with the words "Well, well..."
  3. If the man continued to cry, check his diapers and give him your breast
Kudos: DB.