16 April 2010

Advance notice of my upcoming retirement.

My dear reader(s?),

It is with a mix of sadness and happiness that I am publishing this notice. A long awaited tide of wealth is coming my way soon. It brings the opportunity to put an end to the grim and dangerous life of an Elders' operative which, while rewarding and exciting, offers long and tedious hours, irregular and unscientific feeding schedule, occasional bouts of gratuitous violence and overall tendency to moral and mental degradation. It's time to turn the page and to spend the rest of my life, short as it will be, in the pursuit of hedonistic pleasures and unseemly experiences that only a great amount of money can bring. But I owe you an explanation.

Not a long time ago I have published an excerpt of my correspondence with Mr Robert Mueller, III, FBI Director. It so happened that FBI has decided to intervene into a completely legal transaction between the esteemed government of Nigeria and yours truly. Suffice to say that the amount of this specific transaction was US$10,500,000.00.

Only my firm and uncompromising stand and finely tuned crisis resolution skills have solved this standoff, and I am happy to announce that I have received the following reply from Mr Mueller:

Attn: Beneficiary,

Compliments of the day, I Wish to inform you that your Payment has been released and you will need to contact the payment Officer Mr. Kelvin Williams with the informations as stated below.

NAME: Mr. Kelvin Williams
EMAIL: williamskelvin888@yahoo.cn
Telephone: +2348138938981

Do contact Mr. Kelvin Williams of the ATM PAYMENT CENTER with your details:

Also please be informed that all neccesary Documents has been put in place all you will have to do is to make sure you can be able to afford 110 USD for the Delivery of your Funds which is to be sent to you via an ATM SWIFT CARD using FedEx International Courier Service.

we do await your response so we can move on with our Investigation and make sure your ATM SWIFT CARD gets to you.

Thanks and hope to read from you soon..


Needless to say, I have already had a lengthy and entirely satisfying discussion with Mr. Kelvin Williams and the remaining details of the transfer of the US$10,000,000.00* were ironed out to mutual satisfaction.

(*) Of course, it should be noticed that the amount in question is US$500,000.00 less than the original one, but one should not begrudge such a pittance to the leader of such proud institution as FBI (see the previous post linked above). He has a great weight of responsibility to carry on his shoulders, and I am happy that the government of Nigeria (indirectly) and I are able to contribute to the righteous fight with national and international crime.

So, as soon as I receive this magic ATM SWIFT CARD via FedEx International Courier Service, my blogging and Elders' days are over. A new period of opulence, of endless moral and physical debauchery and of joyful gallop to the end of my days will commence.

There is one, purely technical detail that I would like to raise with you, my dear reader(s): you may have noticed in the letter above that I have to raise the amount of $110 for the Delivery of my Funds. I hope that you will find it in your hearts and your wallets to assist me in my last steps towards my final state of nirvana. Please send your much appreciated funds via this link and be blessed by me, by Nigerian government and by all relevant deities.

Thanks for your attention and your kindness.


Yitzchak Goodman said...

What a coincidence! It so happens that the director of our national bank died, leaving the exact sum of $110 depostied in his account. Please fax us all the relevant information on your bank accounts, including passwords, so that we can effect the transfer of ths sum immediately to our mutal beneift.

jams o donnell said...

Oh Snoopy I'm sure you could make raise the $110 (and then some) selling off the socks and ballpoints your agents have stolen from me over the years!

SnoopyTheGoon said...

No can do, Jams, your socks belong to the strategic stock dedicated to... oops, can't tell.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

OK, but then I need the same details from you to transfer the commission after I get the big bucks.

Anonymous said...

Hi Snoopy,
I'm ready to give you the needed sum as an acknowledgement of your tireless efforts in the Monkeys and Pigs Alliance.. My 150million USD worth bankcard from Nigeria is on the mail, I expect to have it on 31/04.
I'll post you your money the second I got it.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

Much appreciated. I would do the same for you anytime.

David All said...

Snoopy, was the $10 Million USD for helping out either the widow or the son of the late Nigerian dictator General Abacha? And does it have anything to do with your marriage to the widow of the late President of Benin, for which you converted to Islam?

There use to be lots of e-mails from people claiming to be either the son or the widow of General Abacha. Jonathan Edelstein of the now unfortunately defunct HeadHeeb once remarked that we should try to get the General's widow and son together for a family reunion!   

OT, Serious: As part of this week's remembrance of the Holocaust:
"Concentration Camp Liberators gather in Washington" at http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/04/14/AR2010041404882.html

A very elderly friend, he will be turning 90 next month, was involved in the liberation of Buchenwald. For more than 50 years he could not talk about it. It is only in recent years that he has been able to do so because he felt the need to let his teenage students know about the Holocaust.  

SnoopyTheGoon said...

Benin is a separate deal. I have left the widow, citing differences of opinion on truly kosher kitchen. With some of the dough, of course.

The deal with Nigeria was about a wealthy merchant that died, as usual with lots of funds to be transferred with my assistance to some place abroad.

And thanks for the link.

Dick Stanley said...

I am shocked. I got that FBI email, too, but you moved faster. Oh, well, I was loath to act, being so much more in their jurisdiction, in case there was a mistake or something. Or, as is well known, their lack of a sense of humor prevailed.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

Yeah, they tend to arrest a person first and think about the evidence later.