15 November 2005

Anti-Zionist Durex

In a recent survey, the average Israeli was dealt a striking, below-the-belt blow by the worlds leading latex prophylactic producer. We take it upon ourselves to note that while western society has adopted the manufacturers name as a generic term for Petz Gumalach worldwide, Israelis tend to go for other, less constricting variety of products by manufacturers more in tune with the Jewish organ.

One thing that has to be pointed out, before delving headlong into statistics, is the average Israelis inability to comply with any given survey by means of reasonable sincerity. The phenomenon is better known as the "Loser Complex", coined for the inability of leading Israeli statisticians to predict the results of any given election that Shimaleh participated in. It was scientifically demonstrated that Israelis will always answer a survey with the complete opposite of their true intention. Obviously, Durex has not calculated for this stipulation. Leading researchers have found that this ubiquitous phenomenon is directly connected with the Elder's first discipline of 'always wrong footing the enemy'.

Another huge hole in this survey can be directly related to the fact that most Israeli men are away from their sexual partners for periods in excess of 30 days, in activities relating to keeping our excitable cousins at bay. Factoring most of all, while away in Reserves duty, the IDF spices the drinking water with Bicarbonate of Soda, a development taken from the British Forces widespread use of Quinine as an erection suppressant. While Quinine has long term permanent damaging indications, Bicarbonate of Soda blows out of the system within 45 days, with only minor side effects; notably nighttime IDF issued blanket flapping. Taken in context, we therefore invite Durex to note this major error in their calculations, and respectfully recalculate the statistics to reflect that the average Israeli has only 320 potential days per annum for shtumping. This alone would bring us to the top of the bang-per-annum listing, were it not for the following.

Davinen, or praying is a known form of copulation circumnavigation. All religious men can be found at shul (synagogue) all year round, exhausted by all of that tooing and froing, swinging back and forth tribal ritual they do for hours on end. By the time they get home they barely have the energy to strip a sweat drenched tzitze, let alone attend to Havale's danglers. It's a well established fact that most curly worlies and other god sniffers rarely shtump, what with all of those menstrual restriction, ritual bathing and dietary restrictions. Food of sorts is a known aphrodisiac, but grey Gefilte Fish is hardly an oyster. Again we have easily demonstrated that this survey does not take into account the gamut of Israeli sexuality. When recalculating the numbers, and allowing for the statistical loophole that the religious Israelis present us with, the true numbers would suggest that an average Israeli Knaker performs the ritual twice frequently as the average virile Greek.

Another factor which this so called survey fails to take into account is the known fact that Israelis are the global prize mind screwers, a category for which no apparent statistical data was even collected. We therefore conclude that ulterior motives were behind this tendentious survey. Durex can expect to receive the bluff end of the Elders Serpent.

5 comments:

Laura said...

"most Israeli men are away from their sexual partners for periods in excess of 30 days, in activities relating to keeping our excitable cousins at bay."

So keeping up an illegal occupation puts a dreadful dampener on the old sex life then?

SnoopyTheGoon said...

Nope, Laura, you have misunderstood the thrust (so to speak and no pun intended) of the text.

Keeping up the illegal occupation during that obligatory month or so every year makes us red-toothed Zionists even hornier on these remaining 11 months out of uniform.

It is doubly so with us - elite members of the Elders' outfit. Not to speak about special deals we get on cosmetic surgery in Zurich that makes our girlfriends literally breathless.

Yeah, I am talking about our schlongs, if you still have problems with reading comprehension.

Drop by to check it out, meidaleh!

GideonSwort said...

Put away that Shlong Goon, the Maiden just called in about the above comment. She was using that IPtracker thing she has on that Promis software toy she loves so much, and did a complete lowdown. Bottom line is a harsh verdict, along the lines of "with a Punem like that, who needs a tukhes".

My advice is don't offer your services before you check out the recipient, even a seasoned quack like you would get a'shockle; the IDF could display the shmate to the troops rather then waste money on Bicarbonate of Soda.

Less said, the better…

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SnoopyTheGoon said...

Yeah, well, you know how it is: you are tolling on these Elders' projects, no time even for ogling that Rachel from counter-prop dept. And suddenly a dame comes by practically offering it for free...

Freedomnow said...

Laura is sexually frustrated and likes to demean men as revenge.

She should get a vibrator instead.