26 December 2009

Open letter to former POTUS James Earl Carter

[Disclaimer]: the following document is deeply personal and is not and never has been related in any way whatsoever to any current or past government or any other official organ of Israel aka Zionist Entity. Or to Abe Foxman. The author of this document is strictly a private citizen* and will deny any connection with above mentioned. [End of disclaimer]

Dear Jimmuh (do you mind if I call you Jimmuh? why should you care anyway?),

I was deeply touched by your personal letter to the Israeli people. I almost (but not quite) wept like a baby reading that "Al Het" offer made in the true Christmas spirit**.

So I thought hard and without interruption for a whole night, and this is what I have to counter-offer (but first of all a question: why the heck do you think that Israelis as a whole and I in particular need this offer at all? Oh well, just wondering.) Now to the nitty-gritty.

In your esteemed letter you have expressed your wish for security, prosperity and happiness of Israel. Peachy, but there is one other point in the letter I want to stress: "the State of Israel will fulfill its destiny as a light unto the nations".

First of all, we don't never want to be no light unto no nations no more, let me make it as clear as possible. We want to deal with our own problems and to be left alone by all kinds of well- and not-so-well-wishers. And seeing as that guy, you know whom I mean, the one who helped to knock over your embassy in Tehran and now is a bosom buddy of some of your bosom buddies, that Mahmoud A. guy, wants to help us to become a kind of special light, I would say thanks but no thanks.

So I have a deal to offer to you, Jimmuh. On your side, you take away your apology, many thanks and all that but no need to bother. And of course, let's back off of that light unto nations business, it's too murky with all these different kinds of light, if you see what I mean. And just forget about us, OK?

On my side, I promise not to:

  • mention your connections to all kinds of folks (see "bosom buddies")
  • remind anyone the case of the homicidal rabbit
  • publish barf-inducing pictures where you kiss some unspeakable bounders
  • use words "Tehran embassy", "Kim Il Sung", "peanuts" and "failure" on a page where your name appears
If we got a deal, just nod.

Your STG

(*) Of course, aside of being one of the chief Hasbara operatives of the Elders' HQ, but this goes without saying.
(**) It cannot really be about Hanukkah spirit, since Hanukkah spirit is all about killing as many ancient Greeks as possible and then celebrate the deed by eating lots of kosher food. And we are totally out of ancient Greeks.