03 August 2009

Toilet Readers of the world, rejoice!

Dear fellow TRs,

After centuries of being neglected and kept in disdain - esp. by our spouses and other competitors for Shared Toilet Time (STT), lack of understanding, medical and other attention, finally the day arrived for us to come out of the water-closet smiling: we have been noticed! The article Toilet reading habits in Israeli adults* is the first ray of light in the darkness of public ignorance. And we can proudly state that from hitherto insignificant, dispersed and somewhat persecuted minority we are emerging as the world most powerful faction:

We found that TR is common and involves 52.7% of the population.
I don't have to explain the meaning of the above number. Just point out a political party that reached this level of support in any democratic country... all we lack is organization - an then the world is in our hands.

(*) Of course, the results of this local research are relevant to the whole world. There is no reason to assume that all TRs are concentrated here. Besides, the article states clearly: "The incidence is similar to that reported in other countries."

It is in our power now to put the world on the new, healthy social, economic and ideological basis. No more hiding in the... er... restroom, no more need of pitiful excuses. Just look at this:
This habit probably exists since then the appearance of printed books. A controversy exists whether TR may improve or worsen bowel habits. One of the claims is that TR extends the stay in the toilets, leads to an inefficient strain and may lead to the development of constipation and hemorrhoids. Others claim the opposite.

Our hypothesis was that TR provides a distraction and acts as an unconscious relaxation technique and allows an easier defecation process.
This clinches the deal. Of course, our rule will be benevolent and promises to bring uncounted advantages to all - in economic, cultural and public safety areas, as I will shortly demonstrate. Think of the following changes that we are going to introduce (examples only, to be fully developed in the New World constitution):
  • Building and architecture: revision of toilet policy to allow the TR people to read undisturbed, by increasing the number of available facilities. For buildings that are built to accommodate public forums of different kinds (parliaments, city halls, party HQs etc.) - suitable communication infrastructure that will allow TRs to carry out their duties in situ.
  • Public toilets to be increased to allow unlimited usage time by TRs. Eventual goal - to eliminate the necessity of STT (see above).
  • Porcelain industry and furniture: design of more comfortable seating arrangements.
  • Specially designed book clubs and libraries for TRs.
  • Health care and public hygiene: improved care of toilet seats. Psychiatrists and analysts - to be trained in services to TRs in their natural environment.
  • Publishing houses: washable books and washable e-book readers.
  • Transportation: special sections / railway carriages / buses... for TRs
  • Science: increase in quality TR time will cause a drastic acceleration in scientific progress. It is well known* that most momentous scientific discoveries were made during TR.
  • Etc.
To be sure, the new era of economic, cultural and general prosperity will be crowned by abolishing states, borders, parties, races and religions. It also goes without saying that at some stage the issue of non-TRs will have to be resolved - whether by persuasion or by more drastic measures, remains to be seen.

The new era is afoot, ladies and gentlemen. Of course, not everything will be smooth in transition to the New World Order. For instance, this worrisome fact:
The preferred reading material was: "whatever is around" or more than one answer in 42% of TRs followed by newspapers (38%), books (9%), crossword or Sudoku (5%) and professional literature in 2.3%.
The statistics and esp. the mention of Sudoku and crosswords show lack of TR planning, expressed best by the late Douglas Adams in The Meaning of Liff:
Great Wakering (participial vb.)

Panic which sets in when you badly need to go to the lavatory and cannot make up your mind about what book or magazine to take with you.
We, TRs, as a new rulers of the world, should insure that every TR session be planned in advance and started in an orderly fashion.

Or, speaking about sore spots:
Among the 263 reading/playing, 92.8% only read, 1.5% only play and 5.7% enjoy both activities. Among the questioned, 26.5% mentioned that they own a laptop or a handheld computer.
The 1.5% + 5.7% mentioned above should be warned severely (once). This "playing" phenomenon should be dealt with by any means available. And these 26.5% laptop and/or handheld owners should be taught that the only activity allowed involving their electronic gadgets is reading. Or else.

And, of course, the newspaper readers should be encouraged (gently!) to switch gradually to books. In short, there is a long way to go.

The future is here, fellow TRs. And may our TR be serene and not interfered with. Amen.

(*) The myth about the falling apple assisting Newton was invented by constipated prudes. He wasn't sitting under no tree.