27 April 2007

Bird Flu: Another Israeli weapon?

In fact, the full headline of the Al Jazeera (the .com variety, not to be mixed with the .net one) is:

It is quite a long time since we have dealt with a good juicy (Joocy) conspiracy theory. While the idea of the article is not new, it must be said that the author has done a good job of compiling the assorted rumors into a solid scientific medley. Very impressive for a person who is not a member of the Elders' organization.
The Gulf emirate of Dubai has decided to check air passengers before being allowed entry on suspicion of carrying the lethal H5N1 strain of bird flu and Saudi Arabia declared an emergency aimed at preventing the outbreak of the virus, after it has reportedly killed more than 160 people all over the world, according to the World Health Organization, with many cases uncovered in Arab and Middle East countries.
Indeed, the case described above happened in reality. However, the Dubai's decision to check the passengers and to prevent the carrier of H5N1 (we have trained both the carrier and the virus, of course) from entering the country was based on our own last minute phone call. It appeared that 99% of Dubai population are Jewish! The inattentive field officer was severely punished.
An article published earlier on the state-run Syrian daily al-Thawra drew suspicion that Israel may have developed the bird flu virus as a new weapon to avenge Arabs and harm the genes of its Arab neighbors.
Indeed that is the ultimate goal. The wily virus, however, was developed with a IQ that is too high for a mere military device, and part of its quirks is a burning desire for travel. This is why the virus declared that China, Vietnam and Thailand are to become its first operational ground. Because of a programming error, the virus initially refused to have anything to do with people of Semitic persuasion, and only an urgent re-education effort brought a change in its negative attitude.
The Syrian paper cited a report released in 1998 by the Sunday Times alleging that Israel is developing a biological “ethnic bomb” that would kill Arabs and not Jews. The Times report said that Israeli scientists were doing experiments at the Institute for Biological Research in Nes Tsiona near Tel Aviv to identify genes characteristic to Arabs so as to develop viruses that attack these genes.
That was a tough one indeed, after all, being cousins, we have a lot of identical genes. The ingenious solution the boffins came up with was a talking virus. If, upon addressing you, the virus hears "salaam aleikum" in response - you are as good as dead. Only urgent study of a foreign language (Hebrew preferably) can save you from the monster.
The same report published by the Syrian paper accused Israel of poisoning the late Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat using biological viruses. “We recall that the assassination of Yasser Arafat was done using a biologically engineered virus to which only the Zionists had a remedy,” the paper wrote.
Oh, well. You see, Arafat has a secret weakness known only to Mossad: chicken fajita, and the rest was relatively easy. Of course, the linked recipe does not tell how to slice and marinate the virus, we have decided not to publish that part for a while.

Another way to spread the bird flu is to program it into a live chicken:

Our operative, caught in that picture from the Al Jazeera article, by an almost imperceptible movement of his right hand, clicks a button that will transform a regular, peaceful chicken into a homicidal carrier of the deadly virus.

The last and the most dramatic sentence of the article:
Could the deadly virus, which has so far killed 24 Egyptians, mostly women or girls, be another weapon used by the Israelis to achieve strategic goals, instead of pursuing diplomatic means, that would require direct talks with rivals in Iran, Syria and Palestine?
After a series of prolonged meetings in the Elders' HQ, an answer was formulated, agreed upon and approved for publication. And this answer is: