31 January 2017

How men lost the upright micturition war

This post will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the emergence of the whole unisex/multi-gender/inclusive toilet (or so called "toilet war") issue was a clever subterfuge, secretly advanced by militant feminists*. The subterfuge, that eventually succeeded, resulting in the appearance and proliferation of such toilets, was meant to circumvent the resistance of the male population that protected their right to upright micturition (or pissing while standing, in simple words). All this, of course, due to shortsightedness and general slowness of the male population.

A bit of history. Frontal attack.

The war against the male habit of upright micturition started a long time ago. At the beginning (mid-nineties of the previous century) the militant feminists didn't hide the reasons for their irritation with this habit:
Young women in Sweden, Germany and Australia have a new cause: They want men to sit down while urinating. This demand comes partly from concerns about hygiene -- avoiding the splash factor -- but, as Jasper Gerard reports in the English magazine The Spectator, "more crucially because a man standing up to urinate is deemed to be triumphing in his masculinity, and by extension, degrading women." One argument is that if women can't do it, then men shouldn't either. Another is that standing upright while relieving oneself is "a nasty macho gesture," suggestive of male violence.
Of course, the real reason for this attack was the ancient and unabating irritation of the women by the long lines at every public restroom for the better gender. The urinals that cause lack of similar queues at the men's restrooms, in other words.

But the war, started at such high and aggressive tones, obviously couldn't be won. The males as a whole stood firm against such crude accusations and didn't budge. Several years later the approach changed and, instead of the crude frontal attack, a note of care was inserted:
Known as a socialist and feminist organization, the party claims that seated urination is more hygienic for men — the practice decreases the likelihood of puddles and other unwanted residue forming in the stall — in addition to being better for a man’s health by more effectively emptying one’s bladder, The Local reported.
Of course, there is more than a grain of truth in the mention of puddles, although the "other unwanted residue" crack will be never explained, I'm afraid. And thus cleanliness and health angle appeared, being more acceptable to some of the men, whose unity started to unravel, if this Guardian article is to be the witness.
If you’ve ever wondered how men achieved their cultural dominance in the world, I’m pretty sure I know what happened.
Yes, of course, it is all due to that accursed upright micturition. You bet. Anyway, even the softer approach failed to rid the world of the urinals.

Change of direction.

Viewing the obvious defeat of the frontal attack, the feminists started looking for other ways to tackle the problem. At its low point, the "if you can't beat them, join them" approach was briefly considered.

But of course, such defeatist attitude couldn't be accepted by the majority of the feminist public and was rejected by all, except fringe pacifist elements, whose survival rate is exceedingly low nowadays. New approach to the permanent abolition of the much hated men's urinals was urgently needed.

And it was found in the swiftly raising self-awareness of the hitherto ignored and oppressed genders. I am, of course, not talking here about the more established and venerable lesbian, gay or bisexual folk, but of more exotic varieties, such as questioning, flexual, asexual, genderfuck, polyamourous etc. If you really want to know how many genders are out there, good luck to you. Googling will show you anything between 31 and 97 possibilities, depending on the source.

And how the emergence of all these genders is linked to the Great Urinal War, you might ask - especially if you are naive or male (which is, apparently, more of a synonym than previously considered). The answer is: by complicating the issue of who is allowed/entitled/wants to use which toilet to the point when it might be simpler to micturate on the spot where you are currently located than to figure out which restroom is a better fit for the gender you currently identify with.

As usual in a complicated situation like this one, the powers that be responded by a simplest possible solution:

Which solution while being touted as inclusive, surely doesn't include the beloved urinal, you can take it to the bank.

Of course, the urinals weren't the main target of the multi-gender awareness campaign, rather a side benefit, but don't let yourself into a false belief that it was an unintended one. Surely some genius was busily at work behind this move, coldly and rationally calculating all the possible and desired outcomes of the campaign. And, as we can see now, winning it.

What is left?

Frankly not much. In a short time all the existing urinals will be a memory. Of course, desperate measures like pissing on the walls, are still out there, but only for the hardcore folks, whose life expectancy is short anyhow. Some of us might count on secluded areas like forests, deserts, swimming pools etc. But technology and roaming gangs of vigilantes will put an end to all such attempts to micturate anywhere but it specially designated facilities. And these gangs will be equipped with all the required technology, no doubt.

And what, you might ask, will prevent the male user from micturating upright in the seclusion of a private stall in these facilities? Ha! - is the most fitting answer to such naivety. Surely these facilities will be soon equipped with enough electronics to prevent such attempts and make the outcome as painful as possible. Not to mention the obvious: enforced addition of needed sensors to your all-seeing and all-hearing smartphone, which will squeal to the authorities the moment you even think of...

So, ze / zir - please join the line**, with all the other LGBTTQQFAGPBDSM... people, and wait patiently for your turn in the stall. And yes - sit down, please!

Or else.

(*) Just to make sure you understand that "feminist" is not a gender designation in any way, sense or meaning in this text.
(**) Unless, of course, you are Brian Eno.