Bloggers Nabbed!

We've just heard through our Elder Liaison Office that following a piece on False Dichotomies, Alex and Seth were just nabbed by Israel's Internal Security Services (Shabak) for allegedly supplying Mordechai Vaanunu with a professional blond mimsy. They have both been taken into custody at the Russian Compound and are facing an unpleasant shakedown.

Our contact revealed that the two gullible new immigrants took pity on the isolated nuclear whistle blower, when interviewing him for a blog article, after he complained bitterly that he hadn't had intimate relations since he was nabbed and put away behind bars. The agent stated that they were prompted into rapid action once Seth had put up his blog piece, and are now in the process of taking legal action to remove the blog.

The agent revealed that Alex and Seth pretended to be away from Israel once they suspected that the services were on to them. However, they were easily located using the chip implants that every Israeli conscript is injected with ("IDF inoculation injections").

Update: There is an uncertainty re the text of this communique, since a typing error slipped into it: the text "Seth had put up his blog piece" should be read "Seth had put up his blond piece".

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Separated at birth?

I bet you will recognize easily at least one of the two characters below:











The second one is our current minister of internal security, Avi Dichter.

The situation those two are/were in when the pictures were taken are eerily similar: both are looking for a new sheriff. As we all know, the one on the left succeeded admirably.

Maybe he could come over to share some of his wisdom with Dichter?

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The Top 50 Rabbis in America

Newsweek has published a list of the top 50 American rabbis. Go and take a look here.

And here is my count (I get a kick out of counting everything under the sun, composing statistics and then drawing conclusions):

Orthodox: 15 (30%)

Conservative: 10 (20%)

Reform: 18 (36%)

Reconstructionist: 3 (6%)

Renewal: 2 (4%)

Hasidim: 1 (2%)

Lubavitch: 1 (2%)

---

Reform Jews make up approximately 35% of the American Jewry, and their rabbis represent 36% of the top 50 rabbis in America - which is fully within the norm.

Conservative Jews make up approximately 26% of the American Jewry, but their rabbis constitute only 20% of the top 50 rabbis - some nerve-racking food for thought for our Conservative friends, although the difference is hardly cause for serious worry.

The Orthodox make up approximately 10% of the American Jewry, yet their rabbis are more than just pulling their weight, making up 30% of the top 50 rabbis.

The Reconstructionist are also big winners: They are 2% of the American Jewry, but they have managed to sprout 6% of the top 50 rabbis.

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A conductor, a hooligan and doing a Gibson

So what happens when a professional (apparently) musician turns to the murky realm of politics to gain inspiration for his new production? Here is the musician:

Simon Capet (pronounced Ka-pay) is part of three generations of classical musicians. "Music was the family trade, and I was also intended to carry the baton.”

And here is the subject matter:

Samson is an oratorio by George Frideric Handel. It was based on a libretto by Newburgh Hamilton, who based it on Milton's Samson Agonistes, which in turn was based on the figure Samson in Chapter 16 of the Book of Judges. Samson is considered one of Handel's finest dramatic works.

And here is the result:

The Victoria Philharmonic Choir is creating a stir with its version of Handel's Samson oratorio. The choir's version of the classic story turns the Biblical tale on its head by portraying Samson as a suicide bomber in 1946 Jerusalem.

Some say I'm brave, some say I'm anti-Israel or whatever, but that is OK," Capet said. "The point is to get discussion going."

Brave? Come on, it is all in the realm of poetic license. In is not like one would put a pile of shit in a box in a museum of art... oops, it was already done. Anyway, it is not about bravery for sure.

Anti-Israel? Come on, who cares about a politicised musical? Was done already, without much success...

So, while some may say whatever some may say, I say that little knowledge is a dangerous thing and may cause one to be called simply stupid. So it is time to present here a politically incorrect but true version of Samson's story. Mind you, I am not Norm, too (there is no Norm but Norm in any case), so it is not a refined version, be warned.

Samson (pronounced Shim-shon) was no refined third generation musician, that's for sure. He was a muscle-bound shtarker to start with ("Samson was said to be so strong that he could uplift two mountains and rub them together like two clods of earth"). He was an animal torturer ("Samson attaches torches to the tails of three hundred foxes, leaving the panicked beasts to run through the fields and vineyards of the Philistines, burning all in their wake.") He was a biggest hooligan in the known history ("Using the jawbone of a donkey, he slays one thousand Philistines.").

But first and foremost, Samson was a womaniser, lusting after every skirt (or was it toga at the time?), especially the goyish ones, of Philistine persuasion ("Samson's eyes were put out because he had "followed them" too often"). Which trait eventually caused his demise.

Now, there are two versions of the last act of that demise process. The totally wrong one, by the author of the linked CBC article: "He is chained in the temple by the Philistines and forced to witness a sacrilegious act. He pulls down the temple, killing himself and thousands of others in the process." It was difficult for Samson to witness anything at the time, dear scribe, for the simple reason of him being blinded prior to the act in question.

Then there is an accepted version (from Wiki):

Once inside the temple, Samson, his hair having grown long again, asks the servant who is leading him to the temple's central pillars if he may lean against them.

"Then Samson prayed to the Lord, 'O Lord God, remember me, I pray thee, and strengthen me, I pray thee, only this once, O God, that I may be at once avenged of the Philistines for one of my two eyes.' (Judges 16:28)." "Samson said, 'Let me die with the Philistines!' (Judges 16:30) Down came the temple on the rulers and all the people in it. Thus he killed many more as he died than while he lived." (Judges 16:30).

Of course, this version is a load of crap as well. The truth is much more mundane: Samson, as the story goes, after being blinded was put by Philistines to work grinding grain. Which work causes grain dust to fly around and the result is intense itching all over. So the only thing Samson had in mind while in the temple was to scratch his back against something. Unfortunately, Philistine know-how in the building industry was extremely poor, and Samson was, as it was already mentioned, quite a hefty bloke...

Anyway, suicide was the last thing Samson had in mind, and making him out to be a suicide bomber at the Jerusalem King David hotel is akin to making, for example, a distinguished Vancouver conductor into a... successful dealer in second hand camels of dubious pedigree.

Capet says presenting Samson as a terrorist is not meant to offend, or cast blame, but to challenge our notions of what a terrorist is. "Is there any difference between pulling down a pillar or blowing a bomb?" he asks. "Samson killed thousands of people. To show him in the traditional mythological sense does a disservice."

Our notions of what a terrorist is, dear Simon Capet (pronounced Ka-pay), are quite made up, and they could hardly change because of a two-bit conductor with aspirations and his pathetic attempt to tamper with classics for his own nefarious ends.

So let's summarize:

• The people who blew up King David hotel were terrorists - not because of their intent to do in a few British officers but because many innocent lives were taken.
• Samson was a hooligan, as was already established. May he rest in peace.
  
• Philistines had some outstanding girls, obviously. They (both the Philistines and their girls) are no more and are not a subject of this post. But it must be mentioned that they may have been blond. Judging by Samson's obsession with them.
  
• You, Simon Capet (pronounced Ka-pay), are quite a shameless publicity seeker, trying to do in a small way what one Mel Gibson has done in a much bigger way with The Passion Of The Christ. Witness the key sentence: "The point is to get discussion going."
• I do not believe one Simon Capet has a future as a successful dealer in second hand camels. Doesn't have what it takes.

Feh...

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A peculiar outrage and Dayenu

Reading this peculiar article by one Ronan Bennett, I cannot help but think about an ancient song which is one of the most beloved songs of the Passover celebration ritual. It is called Dayenu, which could be loosely translated as "it would have been enough". The explanation of the song here says:

"It", in the Passover story, represents each favor that G-d created to help free the Hebrews from slavery. This song is essentially a song of thanks and gratitude to G-d, where its message is saying: "If G-d did a simple favor for us and didn't do anything else, it would have been sufficient", even if granting more favors would have helped the Hebrews to escape slavery sooner, or helped contribute to less suffering. The main point of the song is to recognize and be grateful for even the simplest of favors from another.

So, the adults and the children play it out this way: the grown up asks (or, rather, sings out) the question:

"Had God taken us out of Egypt, without bringing judgments against them--"

"Dayenu!" sing the children.

"Had God brought us into the Land of Israel, without building the sanctuary for us--"

"Dayenu!" the children shout.

And more and more... Beautiful song, does not sound too good in English, but you get the general idea. So what is the connection to the above article? The author is, probably, into masochism, judging by the fact that he is so lovingly describing various methods of torture and humiliation. He, in effect, recommends that the captured sailors, no matter what is done to them, say "dayenu" for not being subjected to any of the tortures he lists.

Turney may have been "forced to wear the hijab", as the Daily Mail noted with fury, but so far as we know she has not been forced into an orange jumpsuit.

Dayenu!

Her comrades have not been shackled, blindfolded, forced into excruciating physical contortions for long periods, or denied liquids and food.

Dayenu!

Etc. You get the general drift by now, do you?

Anyhow, I am personaly keeping my fingers crossed for the 15 fellows kept in Iran and hope that they will be home before Passover dinner, and will be able to say "dayenu" in their own non-Jewish way.

I also hope, just a bit, being a vengeful Elder and all that, that the fifteen, or some of them, will read the above mentioned article and get their mitts on one Ronan Bennett (two n's and two t's) and beat the holy crap out of him.

Although, come to think of it: how do you beat the crap of a person who is full of it?

Cross-posted on DSTPFW.

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Good questions, Sir Gerald!

It is not that I have anything personal against the British nobility. All these titles, honorifics, shields, swords, plumages and gaily decorated horses are rather pleasing to the eye and to the ear. Besides, it always reminds me of the long history, painstakingly researched and documented genealogy, heroics, King Arthur's tales, etc.

On the other hand, the subject matter never fails to remind me several episodes from Monty Python related to the inanity of some, apparently too inbred, members of the same class. Lately, though, I have started to doubt the theory of inbreeding. It looks like with some characters it is sufficient that the Queen bestow the title on them for their IQ to drop to levels hitherto unknown in the history of politics.

Take, for example, Hon Gerald Kaufman, MP or, in other words, Sir Gerald. Here he is, celebrating with his grateful electorate a victory in the umpteen years of fight to save a... golf course and a golf club from extinction by a murderous business park development:

No, he is not the one sitting - he is the one in the informal clothing, probably ready to tee off as soon as the photo op is over. Unless this t-shirt is for the march in protection of foxes. Or something.

Here is a better picture of him:









(It is the one on the left really, the other one got stuck to it by mistake, probably because it is called noseglassesfortruth. After all, no one will expect a mustache on a Hon MP - really!)

Anyhow, Sir Gerald is taking up a lot of good causes, as you can see. The only fly in his oinment is the existence of the State of Israel that really bothers his (otherwise clean as whistle) conscience and causes him to erupt from time to time. And so it happened that Sir Gerald succeeded to inject a dose of hilarity in the deadly serious subject of Arab League peace proposal. His wrathful response to the article by Jonathan Freedland left Monty Python gang standing. I must copy it here in its entirety and keep it for future generations.

Is the Jonathan Freedland who says that it is essential for peace in the Middle East that the Israeli prime minister, Ehud Olmert, be bypassed, the same Jonathan Freedland who, during last summer's disgusting and disastrous Israeli invasion of Lebanon, said that it was essential for peace in the Middle East that that same ineffable Olmert should have his standing enhanced?

And if the Israelis strip-searched the British consul-general who arrived at Olmert's office in Jerusalem by prior appointment, how would they treat an Arab League representative who turned up in Jerusalem uninvited?

Gerald Kaufman MP
Lab, Manchester Gorton

As you can see, the letter is nothing more than two questions. And just by asking these two questions, Sir Herald has admirably succeeded in conveying several messages:

1. That he is all het up by the whole Middle East nonsense
2. That the (possible) proliferation of Jonathan Freedlands causes him a stomach ache
3. That he sees connections between events that other people don't even dream of
4. That he hardly understands what this is all about but is angry as a hornets' nest disturbed by a bear
5. That he is a nincompoop of a highest degree - but of a rather endearing category

He is really endearing with these questions. As a child that one would like to sit down with (or, maybe, to set him up on one's knee) and to tell him (while feeding him some politically correct food, like carrot cake) that:

• The answer to your first question, Jerry, is yes - this is the same Jonathan F. You see, Jerry, Jonathan wanted to see Olmert stronger then and wants to bypass him now, for reasons that... ah well, have some more cake, dear.
• The answer to your second question is: them Zionists have indeed something terrible in mind for the Arab League representative, in case one has a misfortune to show his face at the Ben-Gurion airport. Strip search is a child game compared to what they plan. But you must not, dear Jerry, even think what they will do to a noble Jooish-British MP setting his foot in the same place. Woe to such a person... Bad, bad Israelis!
• Have more cake, Jerry...
• See, Jerry, this is a cat! It is fluffy and hunts mice.
• And this is a dog, beware of it.
• And this is a napkin. Let's clean up that drool, Jerry, here, now who is a good boy?

No, it is definitely not inbreeding, I say. It is the title...

***

Words of Wisdom

“If Islam laid down its weapons, there would be peace in the Middle East.

If Israel laid down its weapons, Israel would cease to exist.”-Somebody

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Britain takes Iran to UN, woman sailor remains captive

LONDON (AFP) - Britain took the escalating crisis with Iran over 15 captured sailors to the UN Security Council Thursday, as Tehran withdrew an offer to free the only woman detainee.

Iran also demanded an apology from London for what it said had been an incursion by the British navy.

Some especially zealous Iranians want more than just an apology:

Yeah. But back to apologies:

The logical solution ... is for the British authorities to accept the reality, present their apologies to the great Iranian people," armed forces spokesman General Alireza Afshar was cited as saying by the semi-official Mehr news agency.

Iranian people are great indeed, the problem is they are lead by a bunch of shitheads that should really be executed. To start with the one in the quote below:

The head of Iran's supreme national security council, Ali Larijani, earlier said the only woman captive, Faye Turney, would not be released because of Britain's "incorrect" attitude.

Correct attitude for Brits should be rather different. Like to blow a few Islamic Revolutionary Guard boats out of the water. But this is considered bad diplomacy these days.

Too bad.

***

A little bit of drama

And if there's one lesson the world can learn from Northern Ireland, it's that a little bit of human drama and symbolism goes a long way.

This sentence closes a remarkable article by Jonathan Freedland. The article broaches an idea that has been in the air for quite a while already, and its main motif is simple: let an important Arab leader repeat the Anwar Sadat outstanding act of personal and political bravery and come to Jerusalem with an emotional appeal to Israeli public, thus bypassing the indecisive and weak Olmert and creating a sweeping wave of public support for negotiations.

After all, to start the negotiations is the most important thing, and both sides may soften their stance on the issues that currently seem unsolvable (I am outguessing Jonathan here, since he is not saying it directly).

So what about it? First of all, a remark about the lesson we can learn from Northern Ireland: the one Jonathan has mentioned above is not the only one. There are two (at least) additional lessons:

1. It took about 400 (four hundred) years since 1606, when the first Scottish Protestant settlers were 'planted' in the Ards peninsula area of Ulster, to get to the current state of affairs in Northern Ireland.
2. And no less important: the colonial politics of military conquest and settlement won. The settlers have finally gained recognition. After 400 years of strife.
   

Seems a far cry from the situation in the Middle East, doesn't it?

But of course, the mixed message from the Arab League could be read by any person in any way he/she wishes to interpret it:

Arab leaders gather in the Saudi capital of Riyadh today, swearing they will never amend their five-year-old land-for-peace offer to Israel.

But while the communiqué that the Arab League will issue at the end of their two-day meeting is expected to be written in unyielding language, many believe that the 22-nation group is nonetheless getting ready to bargain quietly.

There is a room for any interpretation and any expectation. The big question is: whether the people of Israel, tired as we are by many years of double tongued messages from the other side, should count on that vague "readiness to bargain"?

After all, that eventual peace treaty is to be signed not by a Saudi prince or by the Arab League, but by recalcitrant Hamas folks, who are not even trying to hide their piecemeal approach to elimination of Israel. An excellent in its clarity expression of the current Palestinian government stance was already helpfully provided:

The spokesman for Hamas in the Palestinian parliament, Salah al-Bardawil, told Haaretz, "we will not agree to recognition of Israel or peace with it [as it appears in the initiative]. We have no problem with the part of the initiative that calls for the establishment of a Palestinian state on the 1967 borders and the right of refugees to return."

It could hardly be made clearer, can it? And what kind of solution does Jonathan offer for the crucial issue of the right of return?

Israel insists that any such right would be impossible to implement, spelling the demographic end of the country as a Jewish national home: Palestinians should instead return to the proposed Palestinian state on the West Bank and Gaza. If Riyadh sees no return to the original language, Israel will refuse to engage with it.

In other word - nothing. This is the dead end, and the whole good-intentioned article is undone by this central problem. And how does the author cope with the issue? Simply by ignoring it and leading instead to a dramatic crescendo at the end of the article:

It's a good idea, for it would call Israel's bluff. The country always says it wants peace; now the sincerity of that stance would be tested. If the language on refugees and borders were loosened, thereby denying Olmert a reason to say no, all the better.

But neither the language on refugees nor the language on the borders will be loosened. And no Israeli leader - on the left or (especially) on the right will dare to enter negotiations where the impossible conditions are stated in such a clear and destructive way in advance.

I dare Jonathan to imagine a situation where Israel offers the Arab League to start negotiations, stating in advance that it is not to return any occupied land and to apply to Arab League the same approach he has taken to Israel (e.g. a dramatic visit of Olmert in Riyadh or some other theatrical gesture). I can guess what his response will be.

So what is left? Just a bit of drama, I am afraid.

Meanwhile, in related news:

Also Wednesday, Palestinian militants in the Gaza Strip fired seven Qassam rockets at Israel, Israel Radio reported. Two of the rockets landed in open areas near Ashkelon. No injuries were reported in either incident.

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World's Tallest Man Married

The Elders extend their hearty congratulations to Bao Xishun, the tallest man in the world, on his marriage. May the abundant blessings of the Elders be upon them.

Connect the dots

What do you do if you happen to find yourself knee-deep in sewage in your backyard? I guess you would get to a dry place first and then figure out a way to get rid of the flood and make sure it does not happen.

The recent tragic events in Gaza show that this simple logic is just not applicable in some places.

The earthen wall of a sewage pond in the northern Gaza Strip ruptured Tuesday, flooding a nearby village and killing at least four Palestinians, providing a tragic illustration of Gaza's crumbling public works after years of neglect and recently curtailed foreign aid to the government.

A brief google shows that complaints about the lack of sewage processing are dated way before the last elections in Palestinian territories that brought about the cutting of foreign aid. No, the problem was known and clear to all. It is just that the powers that be in Gaza could not care less about the well-being of their subjects, when the first and foremost action item on their agenda is to get more and more arms to kill the hated Jooz.

And thus there is a line of business burgeoning in Gaza that has a direct impact on the issue of sewage treatment: the rocket science. You see, to build one Qassam rocket you must have about 2m of pipe. Multiply 1000 (which is roughly the number of Qassams launched on Israel) by 2m and you shall see how the dots connect. Clearly the iron will of the terrorists makes the sewage treatment even more of a pipe dream.

But of course, the Zionists will be blamed for that sewage disaster as well.

In related news:

12:38 IDF sends two pumps to Gaza to help lower level of sewage (AP)

Cross-posted on Yourish.com

***

The bumpy road to peace

United States Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said Tuesday that Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and Palestinian Authority Chairman Mahmoud Abbas have agreed to meet biweekly, holding talks that could include discussions about the formation of a Palestinian state.

Of course, the brain dead defeatists traitors on the left will scream that Olmert is rejecting all and any peace initiatives. Of course, the brain dead aggressor kill them all traitors on the right will scream that Olmert is selling off the idea of Greater Israel. But we, the Elders, eternally in the midst of thing, stirring the brew and even adding some secret ingredients, know better.

These biweekly meetings are a monumental achievement of Condoleezza that will create a solid base that will serve as a cornerstone in that peaceful edifice that will house the civil engineering equipment of friendship, brotherly love and understanding, which equipment shall clear the road for negotiations that will conceive a new roadmap for peace. Which peace is already around the corner, so to say behind the curtain and waiting to enter the stage.

In short - the two leaders will meet every other week to play poker. Why poker, you ask? Just because both are notoriously bad at it, and Condoleezza has decided that they should at least start to learn something useful for a politician. What version of poker was chosen is not disclosed, but we have been told that the cards will be marked and that each player will be given four spare cards and instructions (in Hebrew and Arabic respectively) for hiding them in various items of underwear.

The game of Battleships used by one of the previous administration to improve the relationships between Itzhak Shamir and Yasser Arafat was rejected this time, due to the bitter experience with the two. Each time one of the two had to visit the restroom (which happened quite frequently due to prostate issues), another one was erasing some of the ships belonging to his opponent, thus increasing the enmity.

The poker game will be accompanied by the regular cooking meetings for the men's spouses. The two will exchange recipes and each will cook the dishes proposed by the other one. Both ladies have absolutely refused to disclose the planned menus and, of course, the recipes. Only a few words said by Abu Mazen's wife were (partially) overheard: "this ...ucking....ilte...ish", leaving our agent (unfortunately male) even more confused.

White House is nurturing great hopes regarding these meetings, and the CiC of the 6th Fleet was ordered to maintain the second highest level of combat readiness. Just in case a new pack of card will have to be flown in...

In the picture: Zionist Condi stealthily passing a fifth ace to Zionist Olmert

***

Israeli PM Ready to Make 'Painful' Concessions

This time I have picked it up here. No matter, we have been hearing this statement for the last umpteen years, and I don't know about the person(s) stating it, but to most of us it has become a pain in the neck.

Really.

***

Oh boy...

A woman was caught with three crocodiles strapped to her waist at the Gaza-Egypt border crossing after guards noticed that she looked "strangely fat," Officials said Monday.

The woman's odd shape raised suspicions at the Rafah terminal in southern Gaza, and a body search by a female border guard turned up the animals, each about 20 inches long, concealed underneath her loose robe, according to Maria Telleria, spokeswoman for the European observers who run the crossing.

One is bound to think first about a new idea by Hamas to start a new kind of warfare, training crocodiles to bite the hated Jooz. But the truth is elsewhere in this case.

While presenting to the public a puritanical mask of a dedicated jihadi, Hamas' chief Ismail Haniyeh, as well as his colleagues, is known to indulge his more base urges in the privacy and seclusion of a certain Gazan club. Many years ago, as a youngster, Ismail was smitten by the formidable act by incomparable Cicciolina and her python.

It so happened that the pet shop in Cairo was out of pythons and the lady in question has decided that crocodiles, being just another kind of reptiles, will do...

***

How did they know?

The Leprechaun says,
	"Wake up drunk."
Find Out Your St. Patrick's Day Advice at QuizGalaxy.com

Amazing!




to Oceanguy.

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