21 March 2007

A tale of unspeakable cruelty

Al Jazeera (the dot com variety - not to be mixed with the dot net one) made a big production out of the Khalid Sheikh Mohammed torture story. In an article titled "The torture of Sheikh Mohammed worked!", Al Jazeera says:

UN investigations had previously concluded that the United States committed acts amounting to torture at Guantanamo, including force-feeding detainees as well as subjecting them to prolonged solitary confinement.
While this provides a weak support to the claims of torture, for once we are going with the folks of Al Jazeera. After all, where we'll all end up if we continue to ignore the voices of free press?

Specifically, it is clear that the unending stream of confessions by the subject is really getting out of hand, and very soon he may start to confess to all the dastardly deeds that by right belong to the realm of Elders. So we have decided to investigate the situation, sending our ace agent for the purpose. And the truth exceeded our expectations.

As you can see on the latest photo of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, he was definitely force fed, since he does look as a stuffed goose.

But the most striking change is not that of the girth (after all, let's not forget the hectic and nerve-wracking way of life KSM used to enjoy before his capture, compared to the current serenity, regular meals and medical supervision). What is most amazing is the hair, of course. The pictures from our archives show the bald head of KSM:

And his bare hairless body (only a fragment, so do not get overexcited):

The lack of hair served him well in the sewers he used to frequent in his undercover activities.

So, the stark truth of the matter is that it is not only sleep deprivation, force feeding and solitary confinement - no, there is more. Of course, KSM served as a laboratory rat for one of the giant pharmaceutic concerns that is developing a new hair growing drug and was in dire need of testing volunteers. And of course, the process was tortuously painful, this is why KSM sings so freely.

And this is not the end of it, as our valiant agent discovered. Another stage of torture is being planned for KSM. It appears that another company, in cosmetic surgery this time, is going to try out its new widget for hair removal. We want to save our readers from the horrors of the new method, so we shall only say that the adhesive strips used by the female part of population pale into insignificance when compared to the new way. It is promising to become a bestseller!

Better him than us, that for sure...

Update: Fresh from the press, Al Jazeera reports on another prisoner singing his guts out:

A Guantanamo Bay detainee is said to have confessed to planning an attack on the USS Cole in 2000 and assisting with the bombing of two embassies in east Africa in 1998, according to a transcript released by the Pentagon.

Wallid bin Attash told a military hearing that he bought explosives and recruited the team that rammed a boat into the ship.
Now the picture of the suspect:

Clearly the suspect has undergone the hair enhancement treatment as well. No doubt now.