23 February 2010

How God rewards a female suicide bomber?

Regarding the male martyrs, everything is clear cut: where there is a deed, there is a precisely defined award:

  1. The Shahid's sins are forgiven
  2. He sees his place in Paradise and lives a full life of joy with Allah
  3. He is protected from "the Great Shock" on Judgment Day
  4. He is crowned with a crown of honor
  5. He marries 72 dark-eyed wives
  6. He will be able to intervene on behalf of 70 of his family members on Judgment Day, thereby ensuring them the reward of Afterlife
And, behold this miracle of miracles: Palestinian Authority TV has even achieved something that in the previous century and before would have been thought impossible: a first ever view of the virgins:
I only hope that the dresses in the picture are not representative of the virgins' wardrobe in general (color-wise, form-wise and otherwise), and that these are uniforms for the ceremonial part (reception of the martyr, registration process, necessary speeches, executive meetings etc). But, on the whole, the virgins, what could be seen of them in the picture, look not bad at all. Makes one think some positive thoughts about Semtex one has never entertained before...

And, financially speaking, the whole deal is something no mother would miss for her son. Just think how much, in terms of bride price, mom and dad will have to spring for 12 brand new virgins, not to mention 72? It's no wonder that the mom in that article says: "My message to every mother is to sacrifice her child for Palestine".

But, on the other hand (this is why we usually have two hands), how about a female martyr? Its' a murky issue, really, and the Islamic theology slinks away from answering this question. However, some feminists have already turned their turrets in this direction.
If male martyrs can expect to find 72 virgin maidens in paradise when they die, what rewards can female suicide bombers expect?
I say it's a totally reasonable question, and even an MCP (male chauvinist pig) could see where it makes sense. After all, a contract is a contract and ten pounds of Semtex are ten pounds of Semtex, no matter who is thumbing that button.

I believe that, for the sake of fairness, the number of males provided to the female martyr should be the same. Only one minor correction, though: I would suggest to dispense with the notion of providing 72 virgin males. I mean, who needs the hassle?

And my suggestion to the shakers and movers of Islamic establishment is to produce the goods asap. Otherwise the feminists will get into the fray, and you will end up with an endless bargaining, apologies and who knows - Islam may end up with two separate Edens... who really needs it?

21 comments:

Dick Stanley said...

Very good question. The lack of a suitable answer may be why there have been so few successful female ones.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

Right.

Kateland said...

But what I have always wondered is what does a gay suicide bomber get? I mean 72 virgins is all well and good if your a straight male but if your gay it would seem to be a celestial punishment to be stuck with 72 virgin females. Although, you would never be lonely playing dress up.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

I would guess that on the way to paradise the gay suicide bomber gets a new lifestyle and the virgins suddenly become fine for him.

jams o donnell said...

I'm sure it woudn't be hard to round up a half gross of geeks, nerds and assorted social inadequates..... not much of a prize though!

SnoopyTheGoon said...

I say both the 72 female virgins and 72 male braves should be picked up on volunteer basis.

Dick Stanley said...

Well, they do need to do something about the blue whatevers. A little more skin would help the incentive. We need to do this right, people.

Dick Stanley said...

Tammy O., now, might have some insight on this. It seems she is working up to volunteering for the honor. She should be encouraged.

David All said...

Christopher Hitchens several years ago remarked that it was logical to assume that if a martyr recieved 72 virgins, that they would also each get 72 mothers-in-law!

Snoopy, thanks for this post and especially that picture of the Palestinian TV's potrayal of the waiting virgins. It is chilling how many Palestinians, Saudis, Iraqis, Pakistanis and other Muslim extremists have embraced the cult of the suicide bomber.  

Judeosphere said...

Seven years ago, a Koranic scholar said that the verse offering "dark-eyed virgins" to martyrs actually promises them, in a closer reading, "white raisins."

Imagine their disappointment...

SnoopyTheGoon said...

Yeah, I remember that one. Raisins somehow don't inspire, I have to tell you.

Akaky said...

I believe I've asked this before, but it never hurts to repeat oneself, I think: if in lieu of 72 virgins, the award for suicide bombers are 72 white raisins, should the bombers bring the milk and corn flakes with them, or will Allah provide the corn flakes and milk free of charge?

SnoopyTheGoon said...

Now, Akaky, you went and spoiled my image of paradise with this description of the breakfast I shall never eat (I hope)...

vincent said...

wow ! lots of new features in this nice zionist site!!! =-O

mattarello said...

72 jamaicans & mandingos for the poor ladies!

SnoopyTheGoon said...

Zionist? How do you do on reading comprehension? Read Our Charter.

yoyo said...

they should be rewarded with a night of love in the arms of snoopy!!

mattarello said...

i was under the assumption that you guys cannot post on saturday afternoon??!!

SnoopyTheGoon said...

"You guys"? Who is it you mean by that, mattarello?

SnoopyTheGoon said...

No thanks, yoyo.

mattarello said...

oh well, untill the sunset...