To educate Manuel Zelaya

While the forests are full of wild echoes from all these UN General Assembly speeches, a less significant voice from a Brazilian embassy basement somewhere in Tegucigalpa is being slowly but surely smothered.

It's been 89 days since Manuel Zelaya was booted from power. He's sleeping on chairs, and he claims his throat is sore from toxic gases and "Israeli mercenaries'' are torturing him with high-frequency radiation.

Hmm... judging by the symptoms (sore throat), the man's days are already numbered. But it is never late to educate a man, at least in the hope that others will learn in the process.

It is interesting to notice how some folks never hesitate before blaming these mythical "Israeli mercenaries" when their predicament becomes too shitty. The truth is that there are no Israeli mercenaries in Tegucigalpa, in fact Mossad (to take one example) still don't believe there is a place with such a name. Also, there is no need for toxic gases, it's really a crude technique better confined to history lessons. Just an advice (we have to show some humanity, you see): if the feeling of being surrounded by toxic gases continues, ask you hosts to stop ordering the Mexican takeaways. Go for Chinese.

Of course, we (the Elders) are going to do Mr Zelaya in, but our mind rays, projected from our CHQ (wouldn't you die to know its location, you momzers?) easily get to any point on this planet. And beyond, if necessary. And they don't smell - you can take it to the bank. Although why would Mr Zelaya need a bank at this stage, is unclear.

You understand by now that this assertion that "mercenaries were likely to storm the embassy" is ridiculous. Why would we do something like that, when our mind ray team is doing what needs to be done? But one has to make allowances for the poor state of the subject's brain, being slowly roasted by the rays.

As for this:

"I prefer to march on my feet than to live on my knees before a military dictatorship,'' Zelaya said in a series of back-to-back interviews.

Sorry, hombre, both options are out for now. We got the cash in advance, so think about something else, about a third option - something celestial, involving wings, harps, marching on a cloud, whatever...

With thanks to Dick Stanley.