06 July 2015

Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky, the Messiah's visit in September and other portents

Lisa Haven*, one of my personal faves as far as predictions of the coming apocalypse are concerned, has dug up a new plan to rid the Earth of the pesky humans. Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky, whose teachings Lisa has chosen to channel this time, is certainly an authority on the coming festive event.

While there are several different dates associated with the Messiah's (Moshiach) journey to Earth (according to the people in touch with the learned Rabbi), some dating as far back as 2014, some even denying the prediction as a rumor, I am ready to accept this coming September as a convenient date. With the kids out of the way in school (kindergarten) and the summer headaches they cause every year behind us, it is as good a date as any.

So listen please to the (definitely persuasive) explanation by Lisa and try to prepare yourself as fully as possible in the circumstances.

It might be fun!

As for the fears about the coming Messiah being some kind of Antichrist: perish the thought. Messiah has gone nondenominational and absolutely politically correct several years ago, after successfully passing the Comparative Theology 101 course and a Microaggression and Triggering workshop in UCLA. No worries.

Of course, if you look around, it will appear that the coming September aims to be even more exciting and full of end-of-the-world events, such as a hefty asteroid smashing into us:
Rev. Rodriquez said the “rich and powerful” and other governments are aware of this event and together with the US government are making plans to store food and build protective shelters for themselves and their friends. The rest of us can fend for ourselves.
Sure thing. In fact, NASA is aware for many years of eight huge asteroids hidden behind the invisible half of the moon by the aliens, who just wait for an opportunity to drop them on our heads.

Then, surely, will come Bill Gates and George Soros with their Ebola attack.

After which attack the scattered remains of humanity will be gathered in FEMA concentration camps by the white UN cattle trucks, with assistance from their black helicopters. To be finished off in seclusion, far away from the limelight of the media**.

All this to be topped by the expected rise of the famous Global Warming hockey stick, which will finally melt down the ice cover of Arctic, Antarctic and even the Qatar ice hockey stadium. Which is the only way to explain the mysterious disappearance of aqualungs, neoprene suits and other underwater equipment from sport shops (another act of treason by the governments, preparing for aquatic life for themselves and their rich friends).

(*) Just to avoid a possible misunderstanding: the picture at the beginning of this post depicts the good Rabbi Kanievsky and not Lisa Haven. Here is a picture of Lisa Haven:

(**) I confess that this passage about media is somehow inconsistent with the end of the world scenario as we know it. OK, I shall work on it a bit more. Later.

Update: A great summary of the upcoming September schedule is prepared by Lyn Leahz in her breakthrough article Just Released! It is Now Official and It’s Coming This Year!
If you get quiet and listen closely, you might hear the ‘not too distant’ sound of horse hooves hitting the heavenly skies. Jade Helm. Economic collapse. Blood moons. Tetrads. Earthquakes. Asteroids. Comets. Tsunamis. Signs in the sun, the moon, and the stars! What is bad is good, and what is good is bad! Strange weather, and more! It’s all unfolding before our very eyes!
That's it, ladies and gentlemen. You might cancel these flight and hotel reservations you made in Hawaii for September. Buy lots of whisky and snacks and start working on that. It is official.

And here is a picture of Lyn Leahz.

So there.


Sennacherib said...

I had this around me all the time, especially with the Chaldeans. It would get so bad I'd call for my official executioner, then tell my Chief Astrologer I wanted to talk about a "conjunction with Uranus". Boy would he get nervous, I still laugh thinking about it.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

Yeah... Chaldeans. A shifty lot, not very much unlike them Philistines...

Dick Stanley said...

Two babes, two wackos. At least they're better looking than the rabbi. On the other hand, leaving aside the Messiah for the moment, have you notice how China is having Greece-like problems, too? Hopefully not a portent of anything we need to worry about.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

Yes, they do seem have a problem. Not being an economist, I could only guess that it may do with overproduction. All in all, we all probably would prefer Chinese folks to be well fed, gainfully occupied and happy.

Sennacherib said...

Leaving the Chaldeans aside for the moment, I agree with Stanley's assessment that they are Babes and if I had the chance I would gladly teach them the Assyrian version of the "second coming", though Ms. Leahz seems quite at a loss on the functions of different furniture.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

The Assyrian version of the "second coming" - hm... it must be a blast. Two blast, actually.

As for Mr Leahz preference for tables - who knows, it may be handy for that lesson you have in mind ;-)