13 July 2012

Buggery for martyrdom and paradise, or a new development in the anal Jihad

I don't know whether you all remember the story of the first Assbomber, one Abdullah Hassan Taleh Al Asiri, who, stuffed with half a kilo of explosives in his anus, performed a failed assassination attempt on Saudi Prince Muhammad Bin Naif, Assistant Minister of Interior for Security Affairs in 2009. For a detailed analysis (NPI - no pun intended) of the method go there.

Of course, a lot has happened during the last three years, and the story, and with it the whole revolutionary idea, seemed to have fizzled out (NPI). However, it is not over yet. Apparently, some creative minds in Al Qaeda, were busy trying to resolve the main drawback of the method - the limited quantity of explosive material that could be... er... placed in the above mentioned orifice.

Surgical methods of increasing the loading capacity were obviously rejected for being too complex and expensive. Besides, the martyr should be able to locomote to the target on his own two legs. So, one of the clever lads in the rocket science department of Al Qaeda came up with this bright idea to increase the payload capacity: buggery.

A 2010 Arabic news video that is making the rounds on the Internet gives the details. Apparently a cleric, one Abu al-Dema al-Qasab, informed jihadis of an "innovative and unprecedented way to execute martyrdom operations: place explosive capsules in your anus. However, to undertake this jihadi approach you must agree to be sodomized for a while to widen your anus so it can hold the explosives."
You can ask why the three years of delay? Obviously to argue for and, eventually, receive the required Islamic stamp of approval for the new methodology, revolutionary and unorthodox as it looks.
However, jihad comes first, for it is the pinnacle of Islam, and if the pinnacle of Islam can only be achieved through sodomy, then there is no wrong in it. For the overarching rule of [Islamic] jurisprudence asserts that "necessity makes permissible the prohibited." And if obligatory matters can only be achieved by performing the prohibited, then it becomes obligatory to perform the prohibited, and there is no greater duty than jihad. After he sodomizes you, you must ask Allah for forgiveness and praise him all the more. And know that Allah will reward the jihadis on the Day of Resurrection, according to their intentions—and your intention, Allah willing, is for the victory of Islam, and we ask that Allah accept it of you.
So, now the Al Qaeda scientists have the necessary fatwa, the iron will and, probably, a few volunteers to be initiated into the process. Not to forget, they also need some volunteers to perform the enlargement process as well, and these volunteers must be up to the purpose of the job (NPI). Dimension-wise, I mean.

Of course, the idea raises a few questions from an outside observer. Since it's too late for an in-depth analysis (NPI), I shall limit myself to one question only: how could we be sure that the newly martyred assbomber, upon his arrival to the martyr's department of the paradise will still retain the taste for and the will to use the services of the guaranteed 72 virgins?

Methinks some additional brainstorming from the Al Qaeda mighty Islamic minds is required. Otherwise - go figure...

A few more details here.


shaun downey said...

Time for the Bottom Inspectors methinks!


SnoopyTheGoon said...

Good stuff that, thanks Shaun.