My dear reader(s?),
It is with a mix of sadness and happiness that I am publishing this notice. A long awaited tide of wealth is coming my way soon. It brings the opportunity to put an end to the grim and dangerous life of an Elders' operative which, while rewarding and exciting, offers long and tedious hours, irregular and unscientific feeding schedule, occasional bouts of gratuitous violence and overall tendency to moral and mental degradation. It's time to turn the page and to spend the rest of my life, short as it will be, in the pursuit of hedonistic pleasures and unseemly experiences that only a great amount of money can bring. But I owe you an explanation.
Not a long time ago I have published an excerpt of my correspondence with Mr Robert Mueller, III, FBI Director. It so happened that FBI has decided to intervene into a completely legal transaction between the esteemed government of Nigeria and yours truly. Suffice to say that the amount of this specific transaction was US$10,500,000.00.
Only my firm and uncompromising stand and finely tuned crisis resolution skills have solved this standoff, and I am happy to announce that I have received the following reply from Mr Mueller:
Attn: Beneficiary,Needless to say, I have already had a lengthy and entirely satisfying discussion with Mr. Kelvin Williams and the remaining details of the transfer of the US$10,000,000.00* were ironed out to mutual satisfaction.
Compliments of the day, I Wish to inform you that your Payment has been released and you will need to contact the payment Officer Mr. Kelvin Williams with the informations as stated below.
NAME: Mr. Kelvin Williams
Do contact Mr. Kelvin Williams of the ATM PAYMENT CENTER with your details:
Also please be informed that all neccesary Documents has been put in place all you will have to do is to make sure you can be able to afford 110 USD for the Delivery of your Funds which is to be sent to you via an ATM SWIFT CARD using FedEx International Courier Service.
we do await your response so we can move on with our Investigation and make sure your ATM SWIFT CARD gets to you.
Thanks and hope to read from you soon..
ROBERT S. MUELLER, III
DIRECTOR, FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
(*) Of course, it should be noticed that the amount in question is US$500,000.00 less than the original one, but one should not begrudge such a pittance to the leader of such proud institution as FBI (see the previous post linked above). He has a great weight of responsibility to carry on his shoulders, and I am happy that the government of Nigeria (indirectly) and I are able to contribute to the righteous fight with national and international crime.
So, as soon as I receive this magic ATM SWIFT CARD via FedEx International Courier Service, my blogging and Elders' days are over. A new period of opulence, of endless moral and physical debauchery and of joyful gallop to the end of my days will commence.
There is one, purely technical detail that I would like to raise with you, my dear reader(s): you may have noticed in the letter above that I have to raise the amount of $110 for the Delivery of my Funds. I hope that you will find it in your hearts and your wallets to assist me in my last steps towards my final state of nirvana. Please send your much appreciated funds via this link and be blessed by me, by Nigerian government and by all relevant deities.
Thanks for your attention and your kindness.