18 February 2015

The general theory of espionage. And the end of thereof.

This post is very important to all fans of spy thrillers, to all who are mad about Ian Fleming, John le Carré (at least before his conspiracy-ridden years), Robert Ludlum etc. It is even more important to all the naifs who believe that every stupid move by our less than smart politicians will be corrected by wise old people who inhabit their dusty small offices somewhere far from the glitter of the capital and their brawny trusty 007-type braves spread all over the world, ready to spring into action and save us (and the world) again and again. I know this is one illusion that was carefully nurtured in your brain. To part with it could be traumatic, but necessary, so schedule a series of meeting with your shrink, but first read this to the bitter end. It is going to change your life, I can assure you, and if it doesn't - your money back.

The man whose report I am translating is depicted above. His name is Alfred Koch, and some of his bio details appear in the text. More than that I can't tell. So, let's go.

***

I kept thinking: why does Putin call his opponents (whoever they are) - "colleagues"? It sounds somehow too ponderous for humor. And when the same crappy joke is repeated for the umpteenth time, it doesn't even sound funny anymore. And it doesn't work as an insult anymore, because of frequent use. And then it dawned on me: this is simply a part of KGB jargon! They used the nickname "colleagues" for the representatives of the intelligence services of the West. CIA, MI6, BND, what else is there... Ah! Mossad...

But why do they have to call them "colleagues"? After all, "colleague" is your teammate (perhaps a friend), who works with you on the team to solve a problem! And they are the enemies! Who kill each other, stalk, compromise, cheat, put each other in jail ... Wow - some "colleagues"... Why is that? What kind of common problem do they have to solve? Are they on our side of the barricades? I thought a lot about it and that's what I want to tell ...

Long ago, when I was a big boss (Deputy Prime Minister and, at the same time - Chairman of the State Property Committee), the same scene took place once a week in my office in the White House (and in the offices of other deputy prime ministers). My Chief Secretary will come in and, in a subdued voice, inform me that I had a courier with secret government documents waiting for me at the reception. The Old Faithful bowed his head out of respect for State secrets and opened the door.

A dashing lieutenant entered and handed me over a package in exchange for my signature. The package bore the inscription "Federal Security Service." It contained a summary of reports from agents abroad about everything. Who, where, what they said, what intrigues against Russia are invented by our enemies, what hypocrites our friends are, what they say about us behind our backs etc.

I must say that all this gobbledegook wasn't worth shit. All that was old news from the day before yesterday newspapers and magazines. The New York Times, Washington Post, Financial Times, Times, Frankfurter Allgemeine etc.

I, in the State Property Committee, had my own press office, which prepared for me the briefs from today's(!) Western newspapers. And I knew all these Chekist "secrets" three or four days before they were brought to me by the government courier. And my press secretary sent them to me by e-mail, rather than sending a secret courier with an envelope. Of course, no one classified this information as state secret of the highest level.

So what was the difference between these two files: the strictly top-secret FSB reports and frivolous digests by my press service? The point is that they presented the same news differently. My press office wrote: "Süddeutsche Zeitung reports..." And the FSB reports: "As we found out from a source we've recruited..."

And a revelation struck: there is no source at all! All this was bullshit! They do not recruit anyone. They just read the newspapers and on this basis concoct their memorandums to the Centre. And the "recruitment" money goes into their pockets. They even get the newspapers from the trash bins, which explains why the news is always from the day before yesterday. And the money for the newspapers - again, goes into their pockets.

And I've realized that this system exists for decades. They were so confident that the Deputy Prime Minister (a septuagenarian grandfather with the background of a parochial school) will not, under any circumstances, read "New York Times", that they easily sold him crap from NYT editorials, presenting it as information from a top-secret super-influential "source", which required lots of money for the recruitment and lots of time. (Come on there, where is my order of the Red Star and my KGB colonel's shoulder straps...)

Periodically, KGB funded exciting thrillers about their spies and created a mythology about themselves. But now that we know the value of all these Anna Chapman & Co, we understand that all this is BS and it's all about a sinecure. A budget manipulation and a fraud against the taxpayer, clear as baby's tear.

It is enough to check what exactly did Putin do in GDR (what spies did they have - with their Stasi?) To make sure - he went for the "Volga" [the car] and did nothing aside of fucking some German woman with big boobs and fishing in the Elbe ...

But the things are not different with the villains. Remember that idiot Briton, who two years ago was hiding some notes in a fake rock (well, wasn't he an idiot?). Or that CIA report to the US president in 1989 that the Soviet Union is stronger than ever and will last at least another 20 years ... Or the fascinating story about the fact that, when the invasion of Iraq began, it became clear that the American army has no translators from Arabic...

Where I am leading? It is now clear as day why all of them are "colleagues". They're all together in staging a show about themselves and about each other, getting paid from the budget in non-transparent funds and spending them on themselves. That's all. Do you get it? There is nothing more - nothing!

They can do this only because of the existence of each other! This scam has been going on for many years. They are completely dependent on each other. They coordinate all of their actions, demands, captures and exposures. Indeed, they work as a team against all of us. Russians, Americans, Germans, etc.

That's why they are "colleagues". You got it now, I hope?

***

And if you think that all of the above was a joke, check this.