Half a billion dollars left at the Western Wall: what now, you may want to know?

That's a fact:

Rabbi Shmuel Rabinovitch, who oversees Jerusalem’s Western Wall, said a worshiper found an envelope at the site Wednesday with 507 checks in the amount of about $1 million each. They were not addressed to anyone, and it’s doubtful they can be cashed.

You may be discombobulated by this detail:

Rabinovitch said most are Nigerian.

But don't worry, my dear friend. You see, Rabbi Rabinovitch has a long time ago taken a vow not to handle money in any form and for any purpose. Being his nephew twice removed on his second wife's side, I am usually charged with performing the (distasteful, but necessary) task of taking care of the checks left at the Western Wall.

The checks, of course, are perfectly valid and wouldn't bounce. However, the significant amounts involved demand a discreet and careful handling. And here is where you, my friend, could be of assistance, of course for a consideration. The checks will be divided into lots of $5M each. Your part of the operation will involve cashing the checks and transporting the valise (provided by us) with the banknotes to the assigned location*. Your handling fee will be $1M, with your personal expenses coming from this amount.

If you are interested in participating in this perfectly legal procedure, please contact me at the e-mail address that appears on the upper right side of this site. Please provide the following information:

1. Your Full Name, Company's Name, Address, Telephone and Fax Numbers.
2. Your Bank Name, Address. Telephone and Fax Number.
3. Your Bank Account Number and Beneficiary Name - You must be the signatory.
4. Your shoe size (for emergencies only).

Kindly contact me as soon as possible, whether or not you are interested in this deal, so that whereby you are not interested, it would give us more room to scout for other partners. But if you are interested, kindly contact me via above email, so that we can swing into action, as time is not on our side.

I wait in anticipation of your fullest co-operation.

(*) Some moderate digging effort is anticipated at the location, so please dress accordingly and carry working gloves at all times.

Yours Faithfully.