The Elders' personal message to Clarissa Sebag-Montefiore

Dear Ms Sebag-Montefiore,

With great concern and consternation spilling into outright ire, we, the Elders, read your soul outcry in one of our favorite adrenaline level support publications, The Guardian's CiF.

A Jewish friend of mine, now in her 20s, recently told me about a shocking incident while she was at school. Aged 16 she was confronted in front of her class by a history teacher and was asked to explain Israel's conduct.

We are shocked. Really, for crying out loud! The unspeakable history teacher will be punished according to our best practices. As for your wish, expressed so eloquently in this:

Despite my own connections and history, what I really want is to be free from having to explain, to justify, to comment on or condemn Israel's actions.

and in this:

Just because I'm a British Jew doesn't mean I am answerable for – or even associated with – Israel's actions:

The Elders' HQ, upon calming down a bit and issuing a few operational orders to our field agents in Great Britain, authorized me to provide you the following document (cut along the lines below and keep in your wallet at all times).

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To: whom it may or may not concern
From: EoZ Eternally Unlimited

Subject: Ms Sebag-Montefiore - not a Zionist by any means

The Bearer of this document is not, never was and never will be answerable for any activities, deeds, claims, representations and daily atrocities perpetrated by the State of Israel, also referred to as the Zionist Entity, the Small Satan, etc.

The Bearer is free of any commitment, obligation, debt, allegiance, loyalty to the above mentioned State and as such is not required to explain, to excuse, to explicate, to justify, to comment on, to condemn, to decry, to excoriate, to objurgate, to chastise and in any way to refer to the said State.

The Elders confirm that any resemblance of the Bearer's last name to that of the well-known Zionist is unintended and shouldn't be construed as Bearer's support for the latter's activities in any way, method and manner. To ensure that understanding, everywhere the Zionist's name is used the previous sentence will be prominently displayed.

The Bearer is entitled to carry the following badge when deemed necessary or convenient:

This document is irrevocable and doesn't expire. Subject to local taxes where applicable.

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P.S. Any other timid, self-conscious, encumbered by the unfairly pressed on them misfortune of their birth and otherwise afraid of their imagined complicity with Israel, British Jooz are welcome to apply for a similar document and badge.

Self-addressed stamped envelope attached to the request will be appreciated.

Cross-posted on Yourish.com