Letter to al-Zawahiri

After the latest al-Zawahiri video surfaced in the media, an unnamed intelligence agency intercepted a package addressed to the fugitive. Apparently, the package was sent by al-Zawahiri's senior wife. A short letter was enclosed, we have obtained its translation.

My dear lord and husband,

I am using this opportunity to send you a letter with the neighbors' boy Abdallah, who is going to Afghanistan to become a martyr* for the cause. I have seen your picture on TV in the internet cafe, and my heart stopped beating. You are so pale, my dear husband - it seems that all these years in a cave made your skin look like one of these British or American infidels, but please do not get angry with me for saying this. And that yellow circle on your forehead: Osama (more about him later) says that it could be from a laser sight. I do not know what this means, but please be careful when out of the cave.

We are doing well, do not worry about us. Of course, the money you send runs out too quickly, what with feeding all these 23 children, but we do with what we have. I have learned to bake a camel dung pie you will like very much, I put a piece of it in the package.

Our daughter Mabrouka is already nine years old and I have given her a blessing to become the third wife of Mahmoud, son of the Hussein the cobbler. It is true that Mahmoud is blind on one eye and drags his left foot a bit, but he already has six children and his father still employs him.

I am enclosing a picture of our son Saddam, he is three years old. He looks just like you when a light falls on his face in a certain way. It is true that I have not seen you for the last eight years, but this is an Allah's miracle that puts to shame that silly story the Christian infidels tell about their "immaculate conception". Tell you more when we meet.

Osama sends you his greetings, he visits me on his way to the clinic in Switzerland where they cut his face twice each year to make him look like someone else. The last time they made him look like some infidel named Newt Gingrich. Don't know who this Gingrich is, but Osama laughed a lot about it for some reason.

I think maybe it is a good idea for you too. I am enclosing a few pictures of infidels. The one with the long hair - Orlando Bloom - may suit you very well, although there are some rumors that he may be Jewish, so it is up to you, of course.

You loving wife,
[signature illegible]

(*) Abdallah went off prematurely, as a result of pulling the cord by mistake when trying to swat a fly. The fly and Abdallah's camel perished as well.

Cross-posted on Yourish.com