14 December 2005

Urgent message to the maintenance department

Hi Uri,

My scrambler is on the fritz - as usual these days, so I am using an open channel. Fuck the scrambler, actually - this is not why I am calling. The reason is that "David Duke" unit you have put in the field about 55 years ago, if I am not mistaken. Took you about 20 years to get it to the operational status, and even then it was not without its faults.

Yeah, I know, for about 10 years its output was superb, and we are proud of your work. So pipe down, OK? I know that it gave these Americans such a turn-off of everything related to KKK and its affiliates that... Fine, fine, I said pipe down.

But look at what this "Duke" is producing
now. I hope you understand that it cannot continue this way anymore. It is not only that the unit has not produced any new material for the last 30 years or more and that its value is diminishing. It is just that it it cannot connect a few sentences together without fucking up. Look at this:

"I believe that this is part of the ongoing Zionist effort, in their control of American foreign policy, to dominate the entire Middle East, and I believe, dominate the world. I think America is occupied in many ways the way the Golan Heights is occupied, the way the West Bank of Palestine is occupied."

It believes? What the heck? This is all that our allegedly premium model that took tons of money to produce and I am not even going into the maintenance bills, is able to utter? In public? No, do not give me that faulty transistors shit. Is it so difficult to record a trivial message like "The Elders of Zions control everything!" instead of that watered down list of Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Pearl, Daniel Feith, Mr. Warmser, and Elliot Abrams?

Or look at this:

"Well, first off, I think we have to understand that there are certainly some Jews who oppose the Zionists"

What is that stinking mumbling? Cannot he tell the difference between a Jew and a Zionist? This after 55 years of field work? I mean, what are we here in the Elders' machine - some kind of a amateur production unit like these MPACUK
pishers who cannot take a leak without a manual?

"These radical, extremist Jewish elements such as Ariel Sharon, such as the neo-cons in Washington..."

The fuck is that? "Jewish" where it should be "Zionists"? Next thing you know he will put "Zionists" instead of "Jewish", where you and I will be in the outfit then? Oh, he already did... Good, you explain it to BB come next Sunday morning meeting.

Now a purely cosmetic issue: look at the unit's face panel.

I know that you have used a reptilian frame to build it, but for heaven's sake, can't you send somebody over to do something about that mug? It becomes more and more reptilian every year!

OK, Uri, I hope you got the message loud and clear, so take the finger out and start doing something about that putz of a field unit. Or else.

P.S. And stop ogling my new secretary. Yes, Rivka. Or you will be in a commando unit training Kurds in Iraq faster than you can say "Shma Israel" - I swear.

Kudos to Meryl for the tip.