27 August 2012

Al Qaeda recruiting via the Internet - and I know why

It looks like the best and bravest of the ultra-Islamist outfit have some HR trouble brewing, as the TOI noticed:

Apparently low on bombers, al-Qaeda is running a (short-term) employment advertisement on its Shumukh al-Islam Internet forum. Under the heading “Area of activity: The planet Earth,” the ad seeks jihadists to carry out suicide attacks.

Applicants must be Muslim, mentally mature, dedicated, able to listen, and utterly committed to completing their mission, the Hebrew daily Yedioth Ahronoth reported on Tuesday.
From what I hear, 3500 eager candidates have already answered the ad, however compared to the total number of Muslims in the world, it is a drop in the ocean. And the reason for the numbers being that low is not in the inner controversy between the offered job and the requirement of mental maturity, although the two is difficult to reconcile. The real problem is that demand that the candidates be "utterly committed to completing their mission", which is no more than a thinly veiled hint at the undefined period of excruciating anal discomfort:
A 2010 Arabic news video that is making the rounds on the Internet gives the details. Apparently a cleric, one Abu al-Dema al-Qasab, informed jihadis of an "innovative and unprecedented way to execute martyrdom operations: place explosive capsules in your anus. However, to undertake this jihadi approach you must agree to be sodomized for a while to widen your anus so it can hold the explosives."
Even assuming that one is a penniless seventh son of a seventh son, unable to get an education and/or to come up with a necessary number of camels to pay for one bride (not to mention prescribed four), ugly as sin, sickish and in general values his own life below that of a cockroach - still the offer is not something that could be accepted without qualms.

What if, after an unknown period of anal improvement, the candidate fails some other test - for instance ability to walk normally in order not to offer a dead giveaway to the security agents? All the pain for nothing, aside of the funny way of walking and no 72 virgins on the horizon...

It's time for some creative thinking, Mr al-Zawahiri, and no buts about it.

10 comments:

Francis Sedgemore said...

Opportunities for career advancement may be limited.

Noga said...

I thought I'd seen the bottom of Islamistic creativeness but this leaves me quite speechless. I really feel like I want to say something but I'm speechless. I'm without speech.

Noga said...

Actually, I have question: According to wiki, The human rectum is about 12 centimetres (4.7 in) long. Its caliber is similar to that of the sigmoid colon at its commencement, but it is dilated near its termination, forming the rectal ampulla.

Can the rectum contain enough explosives to kill anyone else besides the carrier of those explosives?? If not, it seems there is a fatal flaw in this otherwise perfect plan.

Dick Stanley said...

Heh. That should be butts. As in butt heads.

Dick Stanley said...

If it didn't kill them the smell alone would ruin their day. Not to mention what's likely to be flung all over them.

Dick Stanley said...

Heh.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

But the bonus is worthwhile, many think so at least.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

This could be that bottom you mention, Noga - in all senses of the word ;-)

SnoopyTheGoon said...

Well, there are some mighty potent explosives. In a closed space, like a room, even 300 gram could cause a lot of mayhem.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

I left "buts" on purpose ;-)