Congo: penis theft or shrinkage?

I am interrupting my holiday slumber to provide some relief to the panic-stricken fair citizens of Kinshasa.

Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo's sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.

On the face of it, the situation may look unbearable. You take a taxi, do some shopping, have a few beers and then, when a call of nature leads you to do what a man must do, you discover... what?

Dear men of Kinshasa - relax. The only people in the world able (and sometimes willing) to steal your highly valued members are the Elders, who use the fabled Penis-Melting Zionist Robot Combs. However, we have been not active in the field lately, having already accumulated a large stock that should see us through the good part of the current century.

Some Kinshasa residents accuse a separatist sect from nearby Bas-Congo province of being behind the witchcraft in revenge for a recent government crackdown on its members.

And to the separatist folks: that quote above doesn't mean that the government of Congo has somehow got wise to our member-snatching techniques. It is just a poor attempt at a pun and doesn't really mean what you may think it means. One has to be a member... oh what the heck... an employee of the Elders' outfit to be able to do it.

Now, what really stands behind the wild rumors you all are panicked by is the simple phenomenon of shrinkage.

George: See, look at this. Rachel, my T-shirt shrunk. It used to be much bigger, and now it shrunk. You see, that's what water does. It shrinks things.

As you can see, it's a simple and temporary effect of water, so just by avoiding it you can quickly get the situation back to normal, whatever it means in every individual case.

So cool down, sit yourself in the sun and just wait a bit. Everything will be fine.

In other shrinkage-related news - Carter: Hamas willing to accept Israel as neighbor.

Former US President Jimmy Carter on Monday said Hamas is prepared to accept the right of Israel to "live as a neighbor next door in peace."

Really? Probably this kind of door will be acceptable to Hamas:

Anyway - back to slumber.