One Lenin, please. Paper or plastic?

Americans want to buy Lenin's body

This headline in Pravda is a typical throwback to the Cold War years. Of course, Americans as such could not care less about the troublesome stiff that still adds its unique aroma to the mandatory tourist experience of the Red Square. But the old time hacks cannot get rid of old habits, so here you are - stuck with a dubious headline. Let' skip it and follow into the article, semi-translated by Google:

The situation around the question of where the body of the leader of Russian revolution should rest, becomes more and more farcical.

It is hard to imagine a more scandalous place than Mausoleum on the Red Square. The historic place, which in a sense even become a visit card for the country, is surrounded by a cloud of scandals. The problem remains the same - whether the body of Vladimir Lenin should be reburied somewhere or not.

Pravda, at least, paints the background of the story fairly objectively. And now, instead of torturing Google, we can switch to the source of the story. Of course, it is not the "Americans", but one astute American who saw a way to help out the Russians and to get some free publicity - Fark Proprietor Drew Curtis.

With controversy raging in Russia over what to do with Lenin's body, Fark.com has tendered an offer to the Russian Government to purchase Lenin.

When asked what he planned to do with Lenin, Fark Proprietor Drew Curtis noted that he had put the question to members of his wildly popular news and entertainment website. Some suggested a tour of the United States, including Disneyland "since it's a place that Soviet Premiers seem to want to visit," said Curtis. He also suggested that since Fark.com is located in Kentucky, perhaps a trip to Disneyland could begin with a driving tour of the United States. "We could stop in Moscow, Kansas, or Moscow, Arkansas, even Moscow, Idaho. Possibly even St. Petersburg Florida. I hear the Devil Rays are looking for a new manager, maybe he could submit a resume. Didn't Lenin say he invented baseball?"

Other suggestions for Lenin included cloning him, challenging Michael Jackson's elephant man to a fight, having him run for President in 2008, taking him to see the world's largest Cheeto in Algona, Iowa, using him as the second person in a car in an HOV lane, swapping him with Bob's Big Boy statue to see how long it takes before anyone notices, and having him put on a Yankees uniform and taking him to Fenway Park in a move that would surely offend everyone. Curtis also suggested reuniting him with Paul McCartney but was later disappointed to hear he was thinking of the wrong person.

Fair deal, I think. So why is Pravda foaming about it? Back to Google translator:

There could be different attitudes to the persona of Vladimir Lenin, but he and his body couldn't be treated as small change in political battles. Isn't it better to leave the body and the name of Vladimir Lenin alone, leaving the answer to this question to history?

The last sentence is somewhat vague in the Russian original too. What is the question that Pravda offers to leave to history is unclear: is it about the body or about the name? The body is unsanitary, it stinks and should be returned to earth as soon as possible. Or encased in transparent plastic and sold to Mr Curtis to explore all possible lines of entertainment.

As for the name - history has already taken care of it, you know. History does have its garbage bins.

Re entertainment: I like the idea of Sir Paul singing to the stiff. It is kinda cute...