05 June 2012

Jams did it for me, and I shall meet him in Gitmo

Since reading the post Department of Homeland Stupidity by Dick Stanley aka Texas Scribbler, I have been fighting an uphill battle against my laziness. To get the necessary search words from the original document seemed to be an insurmountable task. But now that Jams has done it, I can just copy/paste from him. Even if it makes him unhappy, Gitmo inmates have very limited access to lawyers. So here it goes:

It could be described as character assassination, the unprovoked attack on Arthur Scarrot,  the man responsible for  domestic security arrangements for the village of Drill.

"The papers claim I take no exercise and call the cops for assistance in dealing with the slightest law enforcement problem. This is plainly untrue and I have in place an arrangement with the proper authorities for all matters right up to Disaster Management and Disaster Assistance. I have a group of part time and volunteer DNDOs (Domestic Neighbourhood Disturbance Officers) working for me.Each of these is trained to the national preparedness standardand is fully able to handle virtually any eventuality be it the prevention or response to crime and the recovery of stolen goods. In mitigation though I would not expect them to deal with a Dirty Bomb or conduct Domestic nuclear detection - although several homes have been issued with Geiger counters.

"Myself and my team are the first responders to any incident in the village and thus are responsible for emergency response and emergency management You could call my team a mini Department of Homeland Security! Since we are on the coast we have undertaken course in Maritime Domain Awareness, but the only call that has been made on us in this area was a suspicious looking dinghy. Still we are a small but iportant part of the national preparedness initiative even if organised crime, riots, looting, gangs militias, shootings  -the only shots fired and explosions are caused are by the Anglo Zanzibar war Recreationists are rarer than hen's teeth!

"We also have a Taliban Hostage Recreations Society. They are weird but harmless. Every year they kidnap a number of prominent local citizens and hold them in the local pub issuing a threat that if their ransom are not paid they will be force fed pork scratchings. Meanwhile my men and women dress as a police SWAT team and lockdown the neighbouring area. Amid the explosion of  pipe bombs the "police" team makes a breach in the hostage takers' security, screening the hostages from the takers, and then undertaking an evacuation. There have never been any deaths among participants although our volunteer Disaster Medical Assistance Team remains on standby. It's a great way to test national security on a local basis without declaring a state of emergency!

I shall wait for whatever happens next: either Jams transcribes the next page of the source or gets to fly to Gitmo courtesy of CIA.

Oh, and you are welcome to copy this stuff. We'll meet over there, you know what I mean...


shaun downey said...

You realise that DHS takes a dim view of plagiarism. I' m sure that will be a double waterboarding for you with an extra deep internal examination!

SnoopyTheGoon said...

I have always liked snorkeling but stopped at scuba diving. Now I'll have an opportunity.

Dstanley869 said...

Hmm. Nicely done. However, you realize this is but a small fraction of DHS's total.
FYI, I preferred scuba diving. Snorkling only means sun burn on the back.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

I hope Jams will continue the good work. If he doesn't get caught, that is. And you are right about snorkeling.