My doctoral thesis - here it is

The glimmer of the idea came from this inspirational clip. Apparently, scientists discovered A new cigarette hazard: 'third-hand smoke'.

Parents who smoke often open a window or turn on a fan to clear the air of second-hand smoke, but experts now have identified another smoking-related threat to children's health that isn't as easy to get rid of: third-hand smoke.

That's the term being used to describe the invisible yet toxic brew of gases and particles clinging to smokers' hair and clothing, not to mention cushions and carpeting, that lingers long after smoke has cleared from a room. The residue includes heavy metals, carcinogens and even radioactive materials that young children can get on their hands and ingest, especially if they're crawling or playing on the floor.

Imagine the poor innocent tykes glowing through the night in their cribs from radioactive poison spread by their unthinking parents... oh the horror of it. But no worries, the cavalry is on the way:

Doctors from MassGeneral Hospital for Children in Boston coined the term "third-hand smoke" to describe these chemicals in a new study that focused on the risks they pose to infants and children. The study was published in this month's issue of the journal Pediatrics.

That's it. Now the babies are safe, the science has made another big step forward and the Bostonians could be deservedly proud of the new addition to their already overflowing collection of prodigies. And, of course, let's not forget the forthcoming doctoral degrees and the accompanying generous research grants from NIH.

The whole story had a serious impact on my remaining brain cells. You see, many years ago after pulling my MSc degree from the unwilling talons of my Alma Mater, I have been too busy with other-gender-related activities to think about the next step. Now, seeing how the time passes by and how people succeed where no reasonable human being will suspect a possibility for a BSc, not to speak about a doctoral degree, I have decided to have a go at it.

So, after a week or two of 24x7 brainstorming, here it goes - the subject of my doctoral thesis is: Doctoral Degree as a Derivative of Another Doctoral Degree - Proof of Relation Infinity. Or, in other words that could be appreciated by general population: Milking a Dead Cow Forever.

I hope there is no need to write a long boring text to support the self-sufficiency and brilliance of the subject. I have not decided yet which school of high learning will be honored by the right to issue the doctorate certificate, so proposals (with research grants checks attached) could be sent to me until further notice.

And to the good doctors of MassGeneral: to help you out, using my newly discovered methodology, I have defined the subject for your next research and coined a term for it: Fourth-Hand Smoke Hazard", and I already see a glimpse of the one after that. Keep up the good milk work!