Separated at birth?

Details.

More details.

Over to Israellycool (but he probably already has it somewhere)

Jams did it for me, and I shall meet him in Gitmo

Since reading the post Department of Homeland Stupidity by Dick Stanley aka Texas Scribbler, I have been fighting an uphill battle against my laziness. To get the necessary search words from the original document seemed to be an insurmountable task. But now that Jams has done it, I can just copy/paste from him. Even if it makes him unhappy, Gitmo inmates have very limited access to lawyers. So here it goes:

It could be described as character assassination, the unprovoked attack on Arthur Scarrot,  the man responsible for  domestic security arrangements for the village of Drill.

"The papers claim I take no exercise and call the cops for assistance in dealing with the slightest law enforcement problem. This is plainly untrue and I have in place an arrangement with the proper authorities for all matters right up to Disaster Management and Disaster Assistance. I have a group of part time and volunteer DNDOs (Domestic Neighbourhood Disturbance Officers) working for me.Each of these is trained to the national preparedness standardand is fully able to handle virtually any eventuality be it the prevention or response to crime and the recovery of stolen goods. In mitigation though I would not expect them to deal with a Dirty Bomb or conduct Domestic nuclear detection - although several homes have been issued with Geiger counters.

"Myself and my team are the first responders to any incident in the village and thus are responsible for emergency response and emergency management You could call my team a mini Department of Homeland Security! Since we are on the coast we have undertaken course in Maritime Domain Awareness, but the only call that has been made on us in this area was a suspicious looking dinghy. Still we are a small but iportant part of the national preparedness initiative even if organised crime, riots, looting, gangs militias, shootings  -the only shots fired and explosions are caused are by the Anglo Zanzibar war Recreationists are rarer than hen's teeth!

"We also have a Taliban Hostage Recreations Society. They are weird but harmless. Every year they kidnap a number of prominent local citizens and hold them in the local pub issuing a threat that if their ransom are not paid they will be force fed pork scratchings. Meanwhile my men and women dress as a police SWAT team and lockdown the neighbouring area. Amid the explosion of  pipe bombs the "police" team makes a breach in the hostage takers' security, screening the hostages from the takers, and then undertaking an evacuation. There have never been any deaths among participants although our volunteer Disaster Medical Assistance Team remains on standby. It's a great way to test national security on a local basis without declaring a state of emergency!

I shall wait for whatever happens next: either Jams transcribes the next page of the source or gets to fly to Gitmo courtesy of CIA.

Oh, and you are welcome to copy this stuff. We'll meet over there, you know what I mean...

'Kill potentially harmful kids before they can walk,' Turkish principal says

When a school principal talks in public:

A Turkish school principal has suggested that all newborns should be genetically scanned and that those who could prove harmful to the country should be “eliminated.”

"Children should be analyzed immediately after birth. If they are to become harmful to this country, to this nation, then they should be eliminated before they can walk," Dumlupınar Elementary School Principal Mustafa Aydın said yesterday during a meeting organized by the police department in the eastern province of Erzurum. The meeting's topic was violence among children and ways to prevent it.

Methinks there already is an absolutely certain candidate for that measure. No genetic scans required.

Better late than never...

Giant squid, platypus, ghost, kraken, Gwyneth Paltrow, Prometheus trailer?

Strangely, Google decided that all these search words are somehow related. What does the giant squid aka kraken have to do with Gwyneth Paltrow? Unless she was photographed in a wet t-shirt...

Jerusalem apartment housing African migrants goes up in flames; police suspect arson

Makes you happy, MK Miri Regev? Because they are a cancer in our body, aren't they?

Jesus tries to give Texan homeowners a housekeeping advice via bathroom mold

Apparently he tries to send the owners there for an advice. However, the signal is misinterpreted.

Details.

In related news: Happy Meal Toy "Insults Mohammed"- Saudis Demand McDonald's Be Punished

Pot-smoking US mom drives off with baby on roof

An almost mundane story:

A marijuana-smoking woman was arrested on Saturday in Phoenix after she accidentally drove away with her five-week-old son in a child safety seat on the roof of her vehicle, police said. The baby fell off the car in the middle of an intersection and was found unharmed and strapped into the seat, said Phoenix police spokesman James Holmes.

Yes, quite mundane, but there is a vitally important lesson in it for every young mom: always keep that baby of yours, that apple of your eye in a child safety seat!

North Korea: where cruelty to animals is the name of the game

And Where no one knows Jacko's dead.

I don't know whether Sun existed in 1930-eths. They probably complained about dreadful design of Mussolini's uniform and Hitler's mustache.

American elections: it is fun, I say!

I hope you heed my advice re being prepared for the watching duties. Here we go again:

Read more »

Ali Larijani threatens Israel, lost in translation again

Speak about coincidences. Here I penned a short post hailing a new discovery in biology of political bodies by one and only Juan Cole, and now we have another situation where his considerable talents are the only means available to save us from total despair.

It started with Ali Larijani, the Hon speaker of Iranian Parliament, explaining to the world at large what will happen if anybody* intervenes in the ongoing unpleasantness in Syria. The microphone has barely left his able hand, and here we have three vastly different interpretations of his main point. First of all, the Haaretz' version:

In what seemed to be an explicit threat against the consequences military action could have on Israel, Larijani said that violence form a Syrian version of Benghazi "will spread into Palestine and the ashes of such flame will definitely bury the Zionist regime."

Well, any naive reader may consider the statement clear and unequivocal. But wait, here comes Ynet (Yediot Ahronot):

"US military officials probably have a poor understanding of themselves and regional issues because Syria is in no way similar to Libya, and (the effects of) creating another Benghazi in Syria would spread to Palestine, and ash rising from the flames would definitely envelop the Zionist regime,” Larijani was quoted by the Tehran Times as saying during a speech in parliament.

And then  Times of Israel joins the fray, muddying the issue even more:

Iran’s parliamentary speaker threatened that fallout from a Syria war would engulf Israel.

So what will it be, I barely dare to ask Juan Cole, our luminary: bury, envelop or engulf**? I hope that he will solve the issue exactly as few years ago, when he brilliantly interpreted Mahmoud the Mad for all of us unwashed heathens (unlike, for example, this uncouth Iranian general who until now didn't read prof Cole's explanation***).

I know that I am demanding a lot from this tired, but still magnificent brain and hope that he will rise to the occasion to demonstrate again this penetrating wisdom.

And notice that I don't even for a moment dare to ask a related question: how come the Iranians seem hell bent to involve Israel**** in a conflict no one in Israel seems to want to mess with - aside of very understated hints on a somewhat unbridled way Baby Assad has of killing his own people. No sir/madam, I am sure that prof Cole could dispense with that question as easy as swatting a fly. He knows that what Ayatollahs want is right, and so should you.

(*) Anybody but Iran, of course.

(**) I was mulling a bit on the three options and now I don't know myself which one I personally prefer. There is a slight edge to engulfing, but I am not sure yet.

(***) The general, in fact, says "...that the Iranian nation will remain committed to the full annihilation of the Zionist regime of Israel to the end." But it is obvious that he means it in some non-physical way. Something spiritual.  Capisce?

(****) Sorry, as prof Cole explained again and again, they don't use the hated word. They call it "Zionist regime" or "Zionist entity".

Other prophets

I am not sure I fully agree with Mo's sentiments: religion is a pretty humorless business in general. But there is a good deal of truth in the cartoon, nevertheless.

Details.

Mel Brooks was right all this time: Native Americans are Jewish!

Don't say you were not warned:

A population of Native American Indians from the US state of Colorado has been found to have a genetic mutation typical of Ashkenazi Jews. The finding suggests the presence of common roots that date back to the days of Christopher Columbus.

According to RT news, the so-called “Ashkenazi mutation” is a deleterious modification in BRCA1 gene which increases risk of developing breast and ovarian cancer. Researchers from the Sheba (Tel Hashomer) Medical Center in Israel found it in the DNA of descendants of those Indians who moved from Mexico to Colorado some 200 years ago.

So there:

The Council Has Spoken!

Council Winners

Read more »

... and then you die

The logic of the event is inescapable:

A "serpent-handling" West Virginia pastor died after his rattlesnake bit him during a church ritual, just as the man had apparently watched a snake kill his father years before.

And it (the event) has developed in an expected way:

Robin Vanover, Wolford's sister, told the Washington Post that 30 minutes into the outdoor service, Wolford passed around a poisonous timber rattlesnake, which eventually bit him. "He laid it on the ground," Vanover said in the interview, "and he sat down next to the snake, and it bit him on the thigh."

As the good pastor himself used to say:

"Anybody can do it that believes it," Wolford said. "Jesus said, 'These signs shall follow them which believe.' This is a sign to show people that God has the power."

I wouldn't argue with that, although I have to say that the deity obviously has the power to command that snake to bite one on one's arse. And what can one learn from the story?

Snakes bite.

A reminder to U.S. Congressman Dennis Kucinich

Repeat with me.