The delights of Inspire Magazine by Al Qaeda

According to this:

Samir Khan, a 24-year-old American citizen who left the country last October, is believed to be the top editor of Inspire, a newly launched online magazine that seeks to recruit members of Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula...

Unlike Fox News in this article we'll not begrudge the young and obviously talented editor in his new and exciting venture. Bloggers of all persuasions should help one another, I say. So, being of Elders' habits and training, we have found ways and means to take a look at the upcoming new edition of the esteemed magazine. Some selected headlines and excerpts follow:

Religion: Why depiction of any object could be insulting to Islam. By Sheik Anwar Al-Awlaki PBUH (Yemen).

Yes, on the face of it this picture of a telephone by Motorola is perfectly innocuous, but take a close look. How could we be sure that the infidel in his treacherous duplicity didn't really mean to burn into a hidden microchip of this phone the sacrilegious image of the Prophet with a bomb in his turban, or upon a dog's body - or both?

Cooking (for Jihad): Your mom's food processor and the way to eternal glory. By Imam Abu Hamza al-Masri (The Hook) PBUH (UK, jail).

You may be surprised how easy it is to prepare your own explosive belt using the ingredients easily found in your mom's kitchen. Well, you may need some quicksilver, ammonium and fertilizer that should be purchased separately (and discreetly). But even if you are unable to get one of those, you could always surprise and delight your parents by a delicious dish of humus or couscous.

From the field: Stopping a rocket-propelled grenade with your forehead. By Al Qaeda Deputy CiC, Aiman Al Zawahiri PBUH (Pakistan, cave).

This ability stems from the power of your faith. After about ten years of hitting the prayer rug with your forehead, replace the rug with a sandbox. After a year of praying this way, advance to gravel, and after a year of gravel proceed to a concrete block. Do not attempt any heavy thinking at this stage!

Family affairs: Adding a new goat and keeping peace and harmony in your tent. By Adam Gadahn aka Adam Perlman PBUH, Al Qaeda PR manager for Europe and Americas (Pakistan, cave, via satellite link).

You may think that adding a new goat to your stable is simple. But consider the senior goat's response and the friction that will inevitably arise between the junior goats and the newcomer. Consider the possible impact on your main source of cheese and the possible impact of hoofs on some of your more painful bits...

Science: Response to my learned colleague Mr Osama Bin Laden, Esq PBUH on some aspects of Global Warming. By Al Gore PBUH, ex-VP of the Big Satan (Montecito CA).

It is with great interest and increasing happiness that I read the discourse by my learned colleague on the subject matter in the previous issue of this esteemed magazine. I am glad to establish that we have reached a complete accord on this vital issue. However, I would suggest that my learned colleague attend to the use of 20 foot wave as a solid and proven mechanism of GW Hasbarah* effort...

Of course, not yet free of his past as a Zionist stooge, Mr Gore PBUH still uses some Zionist terms [Ed.]

Romance: 72 virgins and handling thereof - do we require protection? By Abdullah Hassan Tali al-Asiri PBUH (The Assbomber), posthumous (Paradise).

After my first year in Paradise, sitting in the lap of Allah in the garden of everlasting bliss and my nightly sojourn with the eternal virgins, I can safely say that there is no need for the barbarous protective sheath invented by the infidels. Allah takes care of his martyrs. The only advice I can extend to the martyrs to come: do reconsider the location of the explosive charge. It is true that the bang gives you an incredible boost and propels you to the Paradise directly. However, the virgins...

Centerfold of the month:

Miss Camel.

Subscribe to the new and exciting magazine! Yearly subscription: $25 or 300 grams of Semtex. All credit cards accepted, no COD. Local taxes may apply.